Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Holy crap, I'm tired.
Just flat out exhausted really. It's absurd. I have no idea why I'm this tired, I slept in this morning and took a latter shuttle, figuring that I could use the sleep after staying up past midnight chatting on line with a boy. Hopefully this is just post-lunch coma and I will revive a bit in an hour or so.
The good news is that I only have one more dress project to do for other people before I go. Hurray! It's a somewhat scary one, but once that's finished I free of commissioned sewing for a very very long time. Which is am very very happy about. Having to sew specific things for other people, especially things I find hideous and scary, make the whole sewing thing more of a chore than an enjoyable way to relax.
Anyway, I'm having a terrible time motivating myself to get much done at work at the moment. Apart from the whole sort-timers disease/senioritys I seem to have developed, one of my testers brought in his 2 month old shitzu puppy. This is the cutest little doggies I have ever seen. He looks like a baby ewok. Very distracting, but in a good and cuddly kind of puppy way. this little dog is 1/3rd the size of my cat though, it's kind of ridiculous.
Not much knitting content just now, I've been working on the interminable green lace weight shawl on the shuttle. It seems to not be getting any bigger, but I know this is just an illusion. I want this thing done. The current plan is to bring that and the orenburg to the hot springs this weekend and work on it on a deck someplace while relaxing in between dips in the hot tubs. Once I get going, the knitting is fairly mindless, so it should be a good project for relaxing and being quiet and mellow.
The good news is that I only have one more dress project to do for other people before I go. Hurray! It's a somewhat scary one, but once that's finished I free of commissioned sewing for a very very long time. Which is am very very happy about. Having to sew specific things for other people, especially things I find hideous and scary, make the whole sewing thing more of a chore than an enjoyable way to relax.
Anyway, I'm having a terrible time motivating myself to get much done at work at the moment. Apart from the whole sort-timers disease/senioritys I seem to have developed, one of my testers brought in his 2 month old shitzu puppy. This is the cutest little doggies I have ever seen. He looks like a baby ewok. Very distracting, but in a good and cuddly kind of puppy way. this little dog is 1/3rd the size of my cat though, it's kind of ridiculous.
Not much knitting content just now, I've been working on the interminable green lace weight shawl on the shuttle. It seems to not be getting any bigger, but I know this is just an illusion. I want this thing done. The current plan is to bring that and the orenburg to the hot springs this weekend and work on it on a deck someplace while relaxing in between dips in the hot tubs. Once I get going, the knitting is fairly mindless, so it should be a good project for relaxing and being quiet and mellow.
Monday, June 20, 2005
Virginia or bust
The moving plans have shifted in over-drive. I have a month, plus 3 days (I leave July 23rd), before I load up a truck and start driving back east, like some sort of wagon trail or pioneer in reverse. The better part of the weekend was spent packing and sorting and repacking, but I am glad to say that all the nooks and cabinets in my living room have been unloaded and packed, and I have a massive heap of cloths, books, fabrics, and other stuff to get rid of. Hurray! Getting my fabric collection down to 2 25 gallon bins was quite an accomplishment. Now if only I had been able to reduced the yarn and fiber stash some, oh well. At least that will all get put to good use. Knitting and spinning keep me sane, I'm going to need that while in school.
The people I've been talking to to find apartments back there have been so freakishly nice! I don't get it. Of course, the whole world isn't like it is here, but these people have been so genuinely caring and helpful, I'm not quite sure what to do what myself. I have a lead on a good sounding townhouse, and a complex that's trying to find me a one bedroom that will work with my move schedule and budget.
I finished my pink sweater thing from White Lies. The crochet edge was sort of intimidating, and not made any better when I realized the written out pattern was missing a row, and I couldn't decipher the last row on the graphed version. Never mind that it doesn't really flow and ripple down the front like in the picture. Oh well. I figured it out, and it looks really cute. I just need to find something to wear it with. A little black dress or something would be very cute. The whole thing is more cropped in front that I thought it would be, possibly because my boobs are larger than the pattern models (which seems to be the case most of the time), but it should still be ok with jeans and a tank top.
I've made very little progress on the actual charting for the new orenburg shawl project. I do have some ideas, so that's a step in a direction anyway. The theoretical part of the design process always takes me the longest. Once I've worked out what I'm trying to do, it goes pretty fast. So far, I think I'm going to do a double border palatine with an all over design in the middle section. I'll use interlocking hearts and a snowflake pattern for the boarders, and then something open and airy for the middle. I just need to chart out the borders so I know what kind of stitch counts I'm working with in the middle section.
The people I've been talking to to find apartments back there have been so freakishly nice! I don't get it. Of course, the whole world isn't like it is here, but these people have been so genuinely caring and helpful, I'm not quite sure what to do what myself. I have a lead on a good sounding townhouse, and a complex that's trying to find me a one bedroom that will work with my move schedule and budget.
I finished my pink sweater thing from White Lies. The crochet edge was sort of intimidating, and not made any better when I realized the written out pattern was missing a row, and I couldn't decipher the last row on the graphed version. Never mind that it doesn't really flow and ripple down the front like in the picture. Oh well. I figured it out, and it looks really cute. I just need to find something to wear it with. A little black dress or something would be very cute. The whole thing is more cropped in front that I thought it would be, possibly because my boobs are larger than the pattern models (which seems to be the case most of the time), but it should still be ok with jeans and a tank top.
I've made very little progress on the actual charting for the new orenburg shawl project. I do have some ideas, so that's a step in a direction anyway. The theoretical part of the design process always takes me the longest. Once I've worked out what I'm trying to do, it goes pretty fast. So far, I think I'm going to do a double border palatine with an all over design in the middle section. I'll use interlocking hearts and a snowflake pattern for the boarders, and then something open and airy for the middle. I just need to chart out the borders so I know what kind of stitch counts I'm working with in the middle section.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Do I get a lollipop with that?
So, last night at about 5:30 the job offer finally came through. Nothing like timeliness, eh?
A bigger joke I have never seen in my life. Bad enough that they offer me, in real terms, less than I made right out of college, bad enough that I couldn't rent a decent apartment close to work on that sort of salary, but the job title! It's actually offensive. They expect me to take a job as "quality analyst level 1" which amounts to some bone-headed recent graduate who couldn't test a paper bag. Currently, I lead (more like manage) a team on one of the highest priority project going, manage a test case management system used to ensure compliant testing methodology, and train people on what compliant testing methodology means. In the nine months I have been here, I have spearheaded changes that are being felt across the company. I have built testing organizations from the ground up in past jobs. And they think I belong with a pile of useless recent grads? Please. Give me some credit.
The offer is sad. It would have been less sad had they handed me a lollipop to go along with it. It's hardly any wonder they can't find people to work in testing around here, with crap offers like that. Any self respecting, well qualified professional tester would happily take fewer lunches in exchange for an adult salary at a company willing to treat them like the professional adult they are.
Not that I'm pissed off or anything, it's actually very funny.
In some ways, I am actually thankful they came up with such a stunningly bad offer. It made rejecting it very easy, and remarkably guilt free. I am sorry that my teammates are getting screwed by their employer, but there isn't much I can do about that. Not if they are going to make offers like this one.
As far as knitting goes, I accomplished nothing last night so I threw a lace shawl I've been avoiding for months into my work bag and will be carrying that around on the bus to work until I get my pink sweater sewn together. Hopefully I'll get that done this evening, or at least this week.
A bigger joke I have never seen in my life. Bad enough that they offer me, in real terms, less than I made right out of college, bad enough that I couldn't rent a decent apartment close to work on that sort of salary, but the job title! It's actually offensive. They expect me to take a job as "quality analyst level 1" which amounts to some bone-headed recent graduate who couldn't test a paper bag. Currently, I lead (more like manage) a team on one of the highest priority project going, manage a test case management system used to ensure compliant testing methodology, and train people on what compliant testing methodology means. In the nine months I have been here, I have spearheaded changes that are being felt across the company. I have built testing organizations from the ground up in past jobs. And they think I belong with a pile of useless recent grads? Please. Give me some credit.
The offer is sad. It would have been less sad had they handed me a lollipop to go along with it. It's hardly any wonder they can't find people to work in testing around here, with crap offers like that. Any self respecting, well qualified professional tester would happily take fewer lunches in exchange for an adult salary at a company willing to treat them like the professional adult they are.
Not that I'm pissed off or anything, it's actually very funny.
In some ways, I am actually thankful they came up with such a stunningly bad offer. It made rejecting it very easy, and remarkably guilt free. I am sorry that my teammates are getting screwed by their employer, but there isn't much I can do about that. Not if they are going to make offers like this one.
As far as knitting goes, I accomplished nothing last night so I threw a lace shawl I've been avoiding for months into my work bag and will be carrying that around on the bus to work until I get my pink sweater sewn together. Hopefully I'll get that done this evening, or at least this week.
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
It's so Pink!
I've decided that my main difficulty with this whole work mess is that they have yet to give me an offer to reject. So I still have this tiny little out if I chicken out on the whole school thing, and I am worried that I'm going to wuss out at the last second. Not good, but at least I'm getting some clarity into my current state of mind. I just want everything to be settled and all the doubt and running around here is not really helping with that.
Anyway, lack of progress as far as this whole work debacle goes aside, I've been managing to get stuff done. A truck has been reserved, my dad has time off to help me move, I'm collecting leads on apartments, and trying to nail down the last bits of financial aid and hopefully get some more so I can pay for a new laptop.
I finished all the knitted parts of my pink sweater on the way in to work this morning, so tonight I will try to sew it together and get going on the crochet bits. I'm very excited about doing this part. Crochet patterns kind of freak me out for some reason, so actually following one should be an interesting challenge. Not that I think it'll be hard. It will just be one of those overcoming mental blocks things.
Anyway, lack of progress as far as this whole work debacle goes aside, I've been managing to get stuff done. A truck has been reserved, my dad has time off to help me move, I'm collecting leads on apartments, and trying to nail down the last bits of financial aid and hopefully get some more so I can pay for a new laptop.
I finished all the knitted parts of my pink sweater on the way in to work this morning, so tonight I will try to sew it together and get going on the crochet bits. I'm very excited about doing this part. Crochet patterns kind of freak me out for some reason, so actually following one should be an interesting challenge. Not that I think it'll be hard. It will just be one of those overcoming mental blocks things.
Sunday, June 12, 2005
huh
I've been having a hard time posting the last few days. I try to start, and can't get the words out in any sort of order...
Work never did come through with an actual offer. I am told one is forthcoming, I am told they want to hire me, but I still have no letter. Wednesday came and went, and I have begun to move on. The funny thing is that everyone is now in absolute hysterics. But what am I to do? I have already delayed too long, I cannot delay any more. They have known this was coming for months, and chose not to act until now. And it's just too late.
Somehow I feel lighter. It's a strange thing, but I feel finally free of the hideous weight of this decision. I am free. Free to move on with my life, leave this state, and begin a new and wonderful adventure. But I am so very tired. The last few weeks have been so draining, so much work just to keep myself going. I am deeply and profoundly exhausted.
Dad and I are going to drive across the country at the end of July. I'm actually really looking forward to this. I have not seen much of this country, taking the chance to do it now seems like an exciting thing. It'll me, my dad, and the cat in a bag driving across the country with all my worldly possessions in the back of a truck. And I am excited about this! For all my exhaustion, I have just enough energy left to get excited about this.
Work never did come through with an actual offer. I am told one is forthcoming, I am told they want to hire me, but I still have no letter. Wednesday came and went, and I have begun to move on. The funny thing is that everyone is now in absolute hysterics. But what am I to do? I have already delayed too long, I cannot delay any more. They have known this was coming for months, and chose not to act until now. And it's just too late.
Somehow I feel lighter. It's a strange thing, but I feel finally free of the hideous weight of this decision. I am free. Free to move on with my life, leave this state, and begin a new and wonderful adventure. But I am so very tired. The last few weeks have been so draining, so much work just to keep myself going. I am deeply and profoundly exhausted.
Dad and I are going to drive across the country at the end of July. I'm actually really looking forward to this. I have not seen much of this country, taking the chance to do it now seems like an exciting thing. It'll me, my dad, and the cat in a bag driving across the country with all my worldly possessions in the back of a truck. And I am excited about this! For all my exhaustion, I have just enough energy left to get excited about this.
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Still nothing
...at least as far as the job situation goes. Today was my deadline. Which I guess means that I'm heading for Virginia. Unless something amazing occurs this afternoon and they have a very large number in the salary slot on the offer letter anyway...
I find the whole situation really depressing, but oh well. At least I've got a direction, I can set an end date (hopefully), make truck reservations, and find an apartment. I'll start getting excited about this soon I hope, in the mean time I'm just sad and sort of demoralized.
In knitting news, I've finished the body of my scary pink sweater and am on to the sleeves. The sleeves are kind of short, so this should be fast. I got half of one done on the way in to work today, so I don't anticipate the knitting take much beyond this week. Then I get to start on the crochet part. that's going to be harder to do on the bus I think, but once I get going it should be fast. I'm looking forward to being able to wear this thing, and starting on the next project of course!
I find the whole situation really depressing, but oh well. At least I've got a direction, I can set an end date (hopefully), make truck reservations, and find an apartment. I'll start getting excited about this soon I hope, in the mean time I'm just sad and sort of demoralized.
In knitting news, I've finished the body of my scary pink sweater and am on to the sleeves. The sleeves are kind of short, so this should be fast. I got half of one done on the way in to work today, so I don't anticipate the knitting take much beyond this week. Then I get to start on the crochet part. that's going to be harder to do on the bus I think, but once I get going it should be fast. I'm looking forward to being able to wear this thing, and starting on the next project of course!
Sunday, June 05, 2005
How much more can I really take?
The latest news from the job front is that I can't expect an answer of any kind until the 14th at least. Even if they tell me something by then, which isn't likely given their pattern of dragging things out, it's just too late. I'm not sure I can defer at all at this point, 8 weeks before the semester starts is just too late. So I told them I needed to know by Wednesday.
I've essentially quit my job. I just don't know when my last day will be at this point. If they follow their usual pattern, I may have two weeks left, but I seriously doubt it'll be much more than that. After being out of work for so long, walking away from a good job I actually like it pretty unbearable. I've felt physically ill since Friday. And I am terrified. The fear is nearly paralytic.
In spite of the disaster that was last week, at least as far as my work life goes, I had a pretty good time yesterday in Napa. We went wine tasting, had a picnic at Viansa, and then had dinner at Brannan's in Calistoga. Brannan's is a wonderful restaurant, very good food, nice atmosphere, and in a very romantic setting.
I'm making good progress on the pink sweater. I have the back and one front section done. I'm really looking forward to doing the crochet collar/peplum thing, that should be fun and interesting. I also picked up the Loop-d-Loop book on Friday. This is a great book, and not just because one of my knitting group friends did one of the samples! Some of the designs are a little strange and the hair styles scare me, but the ideas are great, the photograph is really quite nice, and it's very inspiring. I think I have a handspun wool I can use for one of the jackets, and I'm shopping for wool to do a couple of the other designs. I figure that some good sweaters will be an important thing to have back east, it's not as cold in Virginia as it is in, say, Boston, but they colder winters I am used to and than my wardrobe is equipped for.
I've essentially quit my job. I just don't know when my last day will be at this point. If they follow their usual pattern, I may have two weeks left, but I seriously doubt it'll be much more than that. After being out of work for so long, walking away from a good job I actually like it pretty unbearable. I've felt physically ill since Friday. And I am terrified. The fear is nearly paralytic.
In spite of the disaster that was last week, at least as far as my work life goes, I had a pretty good time yesterday in Napa. We went wine tasting, had a picnic at Viansa, and then had dinner at Brannan's in Calistoga. Brannan's is a wonderful restaurant, very good food, nice atmosphere, and in a very romantic setting.
I'm making good progress on the pink sweater. I have the back and one front section done. I'm really looking forward to doing the crochet collar/peplum thing, that should be fun and interesting. I also picked up the Loop-d-Loop book on Friday. This is a great book, and not just because one of my knitting group friends did one of the samples! Some of the designs are a little strange and the hair styles scare me, but the ideas are great, the photograph is really quite nice, and it's very inspiring. I think I have a handspun wool I can use for one of the jackets, and I'm shopping for wool to do a couple of the other designs. I figure that some good sweaters will be an important thing to have back east, it's not as cold in Virginia as it is in, say, Boston, but they colder winters I am used to and than my wardrobe is equipped for.
Friday, June 03, 2005
Serious funk
Still no news about the job. This is annoying. If I am going to go to VA, I need to be ready to go in 6 weeks. So do I just say to hell with this and go? Or hold out for another week and see? Part of me feels like I'd be running from something if I were go now. I just which I had some idea which set of wrong reasons was the best one. Or least wrong, or whatever. I hardly understand my own thinking on any of this right now, how can I hope to explain it to anyone else?
I miss M. More than I am really willing admit to myself too. There are things about my life I really want for him to understand, I don't know why it matters to me at this point, but it does. He seems to have little or no interest in making time to know these things, unless he's just busy or something. He seemed really nervous and uncomfortable the other day when we were talking (after he gave me a pair of boxer shorts, which is just a strange thing to give a woman after you dump her if you ask me). I have no idea what that's all about, but I'm really trying to not think about it. Thinking about it won't get me anywhere.
Anyway...tomorrow I'm off to Napa with a new friend for wine tasting and a nice dinner. It should be fun. I'm actually quite looking forward to it. I love it up there, and I always feel much better about life when I come back, even if I was only gone for the day. Sunday I'm supposed to drink beer and play Grand Theft Auto with some of the guys from work, which should be a good time. I love GTA. Nothing like it for getting the aggression issues worked out.
I've decided to make my future sister-in-law and Orenburg shawl as a wedding gift. I did one for my mom last year, which she loves, so it should be a good gift. Plus she can use it at the wedding if she wants to. I've ordered yarn from Handpaintedyarn.com. One of the women in my knitting group was working with some of their lace weight wool, and it's really lovely. I got it in natural, and ordered the Damask Rose for something for myself. Probably the rose will turn into a lace shrug I can wear at the wedding myself. Once the yarn gets here, I can start swatching. In the mean time, I'm working on my silly pink cardigan from White Lies (pictures soon) and coming up with design ideas for the shawl. I know I want to use a linked hearts border, but aside from that I have no idea what stitch patterns I'm going to use. Maybe something with large diamonds like I did for my mom, or a bunch of nested border sections...
I miss M. More than I am really willing admit to myself too. There are things about my life I really want for him to understand, I don't know why it matters to me at this point, but it does. He seems to have little or no interest in making time to know these things, unless he's just busy or something. He seemed really nervous and uncomfortable the other day when we were talking (after he gave me a pair of boxer shorts, which is just a strange thing to give a woman after you dump her if you ask me). I have no idea what that's all about, but I'm really trying to not think about it. Thinking about it won't get me anywhere.
Anyway...tomorrow I'm off to Napa with a new friend for wine tasting and a nice dinner. It should be fun. I'm actually quite looking forward to it. I love it up there, and I always feel much better about life when I come back, even if I was only gone for the day. Sunday I'm supposed to drink beer and play Grand Theft Auto with some of the guys from work, which should be a good time. I love GTA. Nothing like it for getting the aggression issues worked out.
I've decided to make my future sister-in-law and Orenburg shawl as a wedding gift. I did one for my mom last year, which she loves, so it should be a good gift. Plus she can use it at the wedding if she wants to. I've ordered yarn from Handpaintedyarn.com. One of the women in my knitting group was working with some of their lace weight wool, and it's really lovely. I got it in natural, and ordered the Damask Rose for something for myself. Probably the rose will turn into a lace shrug I can wear at the wedding myself. Once the yarn gets here, I can start swatching. In the mean time, I'm working on my silly pink cardigan from White Lies (pictures soon) and coming up with design ideas for the shawl. I know I want to use a linked hearts border, but aside from that I have no idea what stitch patterns I'm going to use. Maybe something with large diamonds like I did for my mom, or a bunch of nested border sections...
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Because yesterday wasn't bad enough
At least as far as technical problems go, today I find I have been locked out of documentation site once again. Pages I wrote, I can no longer read. Gotta love it. Is this a subtle hint that my job prospects are not looking so good? And people wonder why I am paranoid...I swear something like this happens at lest once a week. I get locked out of some area of the network I need access to do my job, spend half the day running around like a lunatic trying to get it fixed, or find a work-around, only to be told that my non-personhood is the root of all evil, and there's nothing much to do. Grr. The gremlins of access control are out to get me!
Anyway...I finished my sweater! I have buttons, I have pictures, I am happy.
According to mom, the new alpaca fleeces are about 2.3 pounds each, one is ivory with a bit of grey, and one is a creamy brown. Yay!
Anyway...I finished my sweater! I have buttons, I have pictures, I am happy.
According to mom, the new alpaca fleeces are about 2.3 pounds each, one is ivory with a bit of grey, and one is a creamy brown. Yay!
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Workstation purgatory
Very bad start to the day...within 10 minutes of attempting to log into my workstation, I had crashed the X server, mozilla had freaked out and sucked up all my CPU cycles, and I had rebooted. Nice way to start the day. I'm not sure what sin I committed against my workstation, but I have been suitably punished. I hope.
As if freakish technical problems aren't enough, I have a whole army of people coming after me personally for application support questions. We have a support email address these questions are supposed to be routed to. I freely admit that 90% of the time, I answer these mails, but also filter my mail so that I find these support questions. If people don't send the question to the address, it gets lost in between rrandom bug reports, Venezuelan spam, and strange messages from my mother. How friggin' hard is it to follow a simple instruction? Really? You people are in testing, how can you be that illiterate?
Anyway...I have fiber news! Wonderful, beautiful, fiber news! All I lack are pictures and sewn on buttons, but the Lacy alpaca cardigan is done, assembled and blocked. And it is lovely. Really really lovely. I love this sweater, it's soft and light and luminous and fits beautifully, and did I mention how lovely it is? Tonight I will sew on the buttons and take some pictures.
And it gets better! What can be better than a truly triumphant FO? How about enough yarn left over for a second truly triumphant FO? I have enough to do another sweater or even a shawl, which I think is what will becomes of the rest of the yarn. I'm planning out a modified Shetland shawl and should get started on that as soon as I'm done with the pink cotton sweater I'm working on. To add to all this fiber related joy, I got a message from my mom last night telling me that a friend of hers just sheered her 2 alpacas (or maybe llamas) and wants to give me the fleeces. Two whole fleeces! All for me! Hurray! One is white and one is some sort of tan color. Cleaning and carding 2 whole llama (or maybe alpaca) fleeces should be an interesting task, but I think it should be ok. I have a drum carder, and this might be a good excuse to get some good combs.
Now if I can just get though this week...the latest news is that the hiring gods are waiting on feedback from some recalcitrant person who remains unknown to me, but this person is being pestered, and if the universe is kind I *might* have some kind of news tomorrow or Friday. Hurray! My new boss is amazing, she's taking the whole leaving for school problem very seriously, and seems to have convinced other people that this is a problem as well. So I'm keeping all the fingers and toes crossed and trying not to panic while I plow through this week.
As if freakish technical problems aren't enough, I have a whole army of people coming after me personally for application support questions. We have a support email address these questions are supposed to be routed to. I freely admit that 90% of the time, I answer these mails, but also filter my mail so that I find these support questions. If people don't send the question to the address, it gets lost in between rrandom bug reports, Venezuelan spam, and strange messages from my mother. How friggin' hard is it to follow a simple instruction? Really? You people are in testing, how can you be that illiterate?
Anyway...I have fiber news! Wonderful, beautiful, fiber news! All I lack are pictures and sewn on buttons, but the Lacy alpaca cardigan is done, assembled and blocked. And it is lovely. Really really lovely. I love this sweater, it's soft and light and luminous and fits beautifully, and did I mention how lovely it is? Tonight I will sew on the buttons and take some pictures.
And it gets better! What can be better than a truly triumphant FO? How about enough yarn left over for a second truly triumphant FO? I have enough to do another sweater or even a shawl, which I think is what will becomes of the rest of the yarn. I'm planning out a modified Shetland shawl and should get started on that as soon as I'm done with the pink cotton sweater I'm working on. To add to all this fiber related joy, I got a message from my mom last night telling me that a friend of hers just sheered her 2 alpacas (or maybe llamas) and wants to give me the fleeces. Two whole fleeces! All for me! Hurray! One is white and one is some sort of tan color. Cleaning and carding 2 whole llama (or maybe alpaca) fleeces should be an interesting task, but I think it should be ok. I have a drum carder, and this might be a good excuse to get some good combs.
Now if I can just get though this week...the latest news is that the hiring gods are waiting on feedback from some recalcitrant person who remains unknown to me, but this person is being pestered, and if the universe is kind I *might* have some kind of news tomorrow or Friday. Hurray! My new boss is amazing, she's taking the whole leaving for school problem very seriously, and seems to have convinced other people that this is a problem as well. So I'm keeping all the fingers and toes crossed and trying not to panic while I plow through this week.
Sunday, May 29, 2005
Small victories
6.6 pounds of me gone! Woo! I know that's a huge loss for one week, but given that I've been off plan for awhile and was recovering from monthly bloat, I'm not worried about it. So I'm not crazy, my brand new pants really *are* fitting better! Hurray!
Since I got to my first 5 pound goal, I got to get a present for myself. I wasn't feeling up for a pedicure, and couldn't find a broach I liked, so I ended up getting a really cute sterling silver heart necklace. It's got pale pink stones in it, which I really like. Plus it was half off. Shiny things are good.
In other news, it turns out I have a new boss, which might explain the sudden and unexplained delay in my hiring situation. The whole thing was very strange, I got a call Friday after lunch from some lady I'd never heard of before and she started going on about how she was taking over my project and we should meet to talk about it, blagh blagh blagh. So I kind of freaked out, and thought I must have been sacked, and how can you be sacked before you actually get hired anyway? As it turns out, I have not been sacked, but am now reporting to a director rather than a manager. This is a good thing, I think, it's all rather unclear. After talking to her, I basically got a soft promotion, am officialy doing the job I've been doing for this whole time, and should hopefully have some answers about my hiring status next week. Hurray!
M. was behaving somewhat oddly on Friday during the social too. He kept running up to me (more of a scamper really), and attempting to engage me in conversation. My two testers were both trying to figure out who the guy putting the moves on me was, one of them knew about the whole thing, so the two of them stood there trying to figure it all out and then analyzing it all like a couple of women afterwards. It was quite funny actually. But whatever, I don't really have the time or energy to question every thing he does that is inconsistent with what he says. That way madness lies.
In knitting and fiber news, I put together 2 skirts for a client yesterday, finished the first sleeve of my alpaca sweater, and got halfway through the second sleeve yesterday. Today I am going to go sew with J, and trying to get my 1901 corset done, finally, start on a Regency corset, and work on the bindings for the cheongsam which is still not finished. A and I are going to an opera in a couple of weeks, so I figured it would be a good thing to wear for that.
I've discovered that I really don't know what to do with guys hitting on me. The last week has been interesting in that regard. I haven't gone from getting lots of attention, to be taken, to being available again since I lost all the weight, and this is a strange thing. Suddenly these vulture people are coming out of the woodwork and I'm not sure that I like it. I feel pretty bruised and beat up, I'm not sure if I'm really ready for all of this. But then again, I probably need to figure this out and learn how to deal with it. There are, after all, worse problems to have.
Since I got to my first 5 pound goal, I got to get a present for myself. I wasn't feeling up for a pedicure, and couldn't find a broach I liked, so I ended up getting a really cute sterling silver heart necklace. It's got pale pink stones in it, which I really like. Plus it was half off. Shiny things are good.
In other news, it turns out I have a new boss, which might explain the sudden and unexplained delay in my hiring situation. The whole thing was very strange, I got a call Friday after lunch from some lady I'd never heard of before and she started going on about how she was taking over my project and we should meet to talk about it, blagh blagh blagh. So I kind of freaked out, and thought I must have been sacked, and how can you be sacked before you actually get hired anyway? As it turns out, I have not been sacked, but am now reporting to a director rather than a manager. This is a good thing, I think, it's all rather unclear. After talking to her, I basically got a soft promotion, am officialy doing the job I've been doing for this whole time, and should hopefully have some answers about my hiring status next week. Hurray!
M. was behaving somewhat oddly on Friday during the social too. He kept running up to me (more of a scamper really), and attempting to engage me in conversation. My two testers were both trying to figure out who the guy putting the moves on me was, one of them knew about the whole thing, so the two of them stood there trying to figure it all out and then analyzing it all like a couple of women afterwards. It was quite funny actually. But whatever, I don't really have the time or energy to question every thing he does that is inconsistent with what he says. That way madness lies.
In knitting and fiber news, I put together 2 skirts for a client yesterday, finished the first sleeve of my alpaca sweater, and got halfway through the second sleeve yesterday. Today I am going to go sew with J, and trying to get my 1901 corset done, finally, start on a Regency corset, and work on the bindings for the cheongsam which is still not finished. A and I are going to an opera in a couple of weeks, so I figured it would be a good thing to wear for that.
I've discovered that I really don't know what to do with guys hitting on me. The last week has been interesting in that regard. I haven't gone from getting lots of attention, to be taken, to being available again since I lost all the weight, and this is a strange thing. Suddenly these vulture people are coming out of the woodwork and I'm not sure that I like it. I feel pretty bruised and beat up, I'm not sure if I'm really ready for all of this. But then again, I probably need to figure this out and learn how to deal with it. There are, after all, worse problems to have.
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Yet another 180
This morning the sky was clear, but for a thin haze in the air that ever so slightly blurred everything, taking away all the sharp edges and jarring colors of my morning walk to MUNI. The fog is on it's way back. I love the morning fog, especially when it's low enough that you can see it swirling around you, winding up your legs. Everything seems very mysterious and quiet with the fog wrapping itself around you like a blanket. If only the day stayed the peaceful...
I can be glad that I at least got status. It's crap status, but it's something I suppose. No news on the real offer for another 2 weeks. WTF? It's just my life that's on hold here, people. The same life that's been on hold, changing directions 180 degrees every 2 or 3 weeks for the last I don't even want to think how long.
I need something stable, that isn't going anywhere, that isn't filled with bad memories. I need to feel *safe,* like the bottom isn't about to drop out on me again. I need to stop spinning around in a 100 different directions.
This all sounds absurdly dramatic...it just seems like everything has been in flux for so long, I don't think I remember what stable and solid ground feels like. Every time I feel like I finally have my feet back under me, that I know where I'm going and what I'm doing, something comes along and *WHAM* I'm spinning around again. I want off this crappy ride!
I can be glad that I at least got status. It's crap status, but it's something I suppose. No news on the real offer for another 2 weeks. WTF? It's just my life that's on hold here, people. The same life that's been on hold, changing directions 180 degrees every 2 or 3 weeks for the last I don't even want to think how long.
I need something stable, that isn't going anywhere, that isn't filled with bad memories. I need to feel *safe,* like the bottom isn't about to drop out on me again. I need to stop spinning around in a 100 different directions.
This all sounds absurdly dramatic...it just seems like everything has been in flux for so long, I don't think I remember what stable and solid ground feels like. Every time I feel like I finally have my feet back under me, that I know where I'm going and what I'm doing, something comes along and *WHAM* I'm spinning around again. I want off this crappy ride!
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Deflector shields at maximum power
I know it's the silliest thing in the world, but I've gotten a couple of really nice and flattering comments today from my okcupid profile, and it's made me really happy. Having random people tell me I'm pretty and elegant makes me feel much better about my relative desirability.
Of course, it's also reminded me exactly how much being single sucks. There are a lot of vultures out there, just waiting for some fresh bit of roadkill to show up someplace. It's enough work trying to convince myself that I won't die fat and alone, and be found weeks latter half eaten by my 35 cats, without having to beat off smarmy lechers and creeps too.
And I keep wondering if he misses me at all...
Things are work are muddling along. Kind of slow so far this week actually, which is good, I'm not feeling up for serious chaos and excitement. No real news on the final offer, other than feedback is being gathered. I told them I need to hire movers next week if I'm going, so hopefully that will hurry things a bit.
Of course, it's also reminded me exactly how much being single sucks. There are a lot of vultures out there, just waiting for some fresh bit of roadkill to show up someplace. It's enough work trying to convince myself that I won't die fat and alone, and be found weeks latter half eaten by my 35 cats, without having to beat off smarmy lechers and creeps too.
And I keep wondering if he misses me at all...
Things are work are muddling along. Kind of slow so far this week actually, which is good, I'm not feeling up for serious chaos and excitement. No real news on the final offer, other than feedback is being gathered. I told them I need to hire movers next week if I'm going, so hopefully that will hurry things a bit.
Monday, May 23, 2005
Positive Reinforcement
I'm feeling pretty good about the whole WW thing today. I did well yesterday eating within my points, and am track to do well today. I got a pair of pants on Saturday and I'm probably insane but they feel like they fit better already. Whatever, I'll take it. I can use anything self-affirming right now, even if it the product of a delusional mind. Anything I can be positive about and feel successful at is a good thing right now.
For every 5 pounds you lose, WW gives you a little award. I've decided to back that up with something more. Here is my reward plan for myself:
5 pounds - pedicure or silly pin for a blazer
10 pounds - new shoes
15 pounds - L'Occitane shopping spree
20 pounds - new underwear
25 pounds - new outfit
10% of me gone - more shoes
Goal weight - spa afternoon
Lifetime - another new outfit
Hopefully if I limit my shopping to these events, I will save some money too. I must not replace food with shoes or bath products. There are worse things, but still, both have their destructive sides.
For every 5 pounds you lose, WW gives you a little award. I've decided to back that up with something more. Here is my reward plan for myself:
5 pounds - pedicure or silly pin for a blazer
10 pounds - new shoes
15 pounds - L'Occitane shopping spree
20 pounds - new underwear
25 pounds - new outfit
10% of me gone - more shoes
Goal weight - spa afternoon
Lifetime - another new outfit
Hopefully if I limit my shopping to these events, I will save some money too. I must not replace food with shoes or bath products. There are worse things, but still, both have their destructive sides.
At least I look cute
Feeling rather better about life than I thought I would today. I've resolved to look fabulous all week, carry on with life as planned, and not worry too much. Maybe go to back to wretched courtesan-style dating-for-fun-and-profit. I keep thinking of the line from Dangerous Beauty, "Love love, but do not love the man." It's as good a rule to live by as any other I suppose, and probably leads to less heartbreak.
Anyway, I indulged in rather more retail therapy this weekend than was perhaps good for the bank account, but I feel much better having new pants and cute new skirt and some fabulous shoes. Shoes always help matter. Better yet is getting to work and having the engineers notice that I have new shoes, and even be suitably appreciative of them. Hurray! They even noticed the snappy new outfit. Another guy actually noticed the nicely co-ordinated accessories, but he's not an engineer exactly and has a wife, so he's better trained. At least I have hope for mankind still.
I finally made it to a BAWDies meeting on Sunday. I had no idea how much I had missed these women. It was so nice to be back, wrapped in fiber and love, and feel supported and cared for after my awful Saturday. It's good to have girl friends, and it is truly amazing how knitting and fiber arts in general has brought this group together. Not going to go on with obvious "knitting different lives together" line of crap, it's overdone and sentimental, but there really is a wonderfully supportive and caring community of fiber geeks out there, and I proud and honored to count myself a part of it.
Anyway, I indulged in rather more retail therapy this weekend than was perhaps good for the bank account, but I feel much better having new pants and cute new skirt and some fabulous shoes. Shoes always help matter. Better yet is getting to work and having the engineers notice that I have new shoes, and even be suitably appreciative of them. Hurray! They even noticed the snappy new outfit. Another guy actually noticed the nicely co-ordinated accessories, but he's not an engineer exactly and has a wife, so he's better trained. At least I have hope for mankind still.
I finally made it to a BAWDies meeting on Sunday. I had no idea how much I had missed these women. It was so nice to be back, wrapped in fiber and love, and feel supported and cared for after my awful Saturday. It's good to have girl friends, and it is truly amazing how knitting and fiber arts in general has brought this group together. Not going to go on with obvious "knitting different lives together" line of crap, it's overdone and sentimental, but there really is a wonderfully supportive and caring community of fiber geeks out there, and I proud and honored to count myself a part of it.
Saturday, May 21, 2005
Now what?
I am frail and small and people should be more careful with me, there won't be anything left if I keep getting broken.
Turns out he was avoiding me...
It's sad really, but so typical of how these things work out for me. The ones I like, maybe even love a little, they don't want me. And I never understand why...
To make it worse, I went back to WW today. I was prepared for things to be slightly worse than they were but it was still depressing to see how far I had slid back. Oh well. I guess now I'll have a little more time to focus on that and get things back where they should be.
It was nice to not be all alone, even if it was just for a little while...
Turns out he was avoiding me...
It's sad really, but so typical of how these things work out for me. The ones I like, maybe even love a little, they don't want me. And I never understand why...
To make it worse, I went back to WW today. I was prepared for things to be slightly worse than they were but it was still depressing to see how far I had slid back. Oh well. I guess now I'll have a little more time to focus on that and get things back where they should be.
It was nice to not be all alone, even if it was just for a little while...
Thursday, May 19, 2005
Fun with automatic translators
When testers get board, testers start playing with random web applications. I don't know why, but these are phrases we've been having fun translating badly into other languages this week while waiting for builds;
My cat has a fluffy white tail.
Now I am going to kick you in the head.
My llama/pants/hair/etc. is on fire.
I am a crazy white chick.
For added fun, try varying the grammar. "Shall" for "am going," "in flames" for "on fire," you get the idea.
We have a very multi-lingual staff here. It's lots of fun to pop up from the cube and call out some random phrase (such as "Ich bin ein verrücktes weißes Küken" or "Je suis un poussin blanc fou. Mes cheveux brûlent.") and see how people react.
My cat has a fluffy white tail.
Now I am going to kick you in the head.
My llama/pants/hair/etc. is on fire.
I am a crazy white chick.
For added fun, try varying the grammar. "Shall" for "am going," "in flames" for "on fire," you get the idea.
We have a very multi-lingual staff here. It's lots of fun to pop up from the cube and call out some random phrase (such as "Ich bin ein verrücktes weißes Küken" or "Je suis un poussin blanc fou. Mes cheveux brûlent.") and see how people react.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
PMS sucks
I've completely lost all perspective.
I feel like crap, probably have a UTI again, my back hurts, I'm crampy and bloated and feel like a hippo, it's all cold and crappy and overcast outside but still oddly warm which is just unpleasant, my housemates are driving me crazy, I feel like boy is avoiding/has no time for me, I still can't sleep and it's all ridiculous but I just want to curl up someplace safe and warm and cry but there is no place safe and warm for me curl up in.
Still no offer with numbers, but I was assured that "the recruiter is working on it" whatever the hell that means. Hiring around here is so convoluted and wrapped in mystery, it's amazing anything ever gets done. If they don't get something to me on paper by the end of the week, or maybe early next, I have no choice but to start calling apartments and movers again, but how in the hell am I going to pay for all that? As if I have several grand just lying around at this point. Please. I guess I'll figure something out, I always do, but still.
I got a really sweet card in the mail from one of the women in my OES chapter, telling me how excited she was for me and my new endeavors, and I feel more like crap about that whole mess than I did before. Like I'm letting them all down as well as myself if I stay. What the hell is that about? Waiting a year is not giving up, in some ways it's being pragmatic about things. Why am I so plagued by self-doubt?!
Stupid PMS.
I feel like crap, probably have a UTI again, my back hurts, I'm crampy and bloated and feel like a hippo, it's all cold and crappy and overcast outside but still oddly warm which is just unpleasant, my housemates are driving me crazy, I feel like boy is avoiding/has no time for me, I still can't sleep and it's all ridiculous but I just want to curl up someplace safe and warm and cry but there is no place safe and warm for me curl up in.
Still no offer with numbers, but I was assured that "the recruiter is working on it" whatever the hell that means. Hiring around here is so convoluted and wrapped in mystery, it's amazing anything ever gets done. If they don't get something to me on paper by the end of the week, or maybe early next, I have no choice but to start calling apartments and movers again, but how in the hell am I going to pay for all that? As if I have several grand just lying around at this point. Please. I guess I'll figure something out, I always do, but still.
I got a really sweet card in the mail from one of the women in my OES chapter, telling me how excited she was for me and my new endeavors, and I feel more like crap about that whole mess than I did before. Like I'm letting them all down as well as myself if I stay. What the hell is that about? Waiting a year is not giving up, in some ways it's being pragmatic about things. Why am I so plagued by self-doubt?!
Stupid PMS.
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Lack of focus is a problem
Ugh. I really need to get back on the WW wagon. Without weekly meetings and accountability, I really have been letting myself go to pot. I feel worse about my body than I have in a long time. At least I can still get in to my pants, that's something. They are not a nice-fitting as I would like, but they zip. This weekend I am determined to start going to meetings again. I am not that thrilled with the center near my house, but it's within walking distance and they have meetings at times that work for me on the weekend, so that will have to do.
That center is actually one of the big reasons I stopped going to meetings in the first place. I didn't realize what a difference the group you met with made, but I just lost focus after switching. I never felt like I had anything in common with the people in the meetings I was at, and the leader drove me nuts. But really, at some level, all that is just an excuse. The focus and drive has to come from within myself. As long as the meeting experience isn't flat-out unpleasant or irrelevant to me, it should be successful. Besides, I know I'll be moving to a new center at some point in the near future anyway, so I should be able to put up with this one for a month or two.
Anyway, not much else is going on. I'm training another new person at work this week. It's actually much easier now that I have one person up to speed already. He's been a huge help with the new guy already. Hurray! No news yet on the offer with numbers, which is annoying, but not wholly unexpected. I need to ping my manager about that this afternoon. I'm doing far more release planning that I really should be doing, but in a way having more responsibility is probably a good thing right now.
I'm feeling kind of tired and glum today. Probably partly due to PMS and crappy weather, but still. All the stress and uncertainty is really starting to takes it's toll on me. I think once I know what's going on with my life, I need to take a vacation. Go someplace quiet and relaxing, maybe sit in a hot tub, or a spa weekend in Napa. That sounds really lovely about now.
That center is actually one of the big reasons I stopped going to meetings in the first place. I didn't realize what a difference the group you met with made, but I just lost focus after switching. I never felt like I had anything in common with the people in the meetings I was at, and the leader drove me nuts. But really, at some level, all that is just an excuse. The focus and drive has to come from within myself. As long as the meeting experience isn't flat-out unpleasant or irrelevant to me, it should be successful. Besides, I know I'll be moving to a new center at some point in the near future anyway, so I should be able to put up with this one for a month or two.
Anyway, not much else is going on. I'm training another new person at work this week. It's actually much easier now that I have one person up to speed already. He's been a huge help with the new guy already. Hurray! No news yet on the offer with numbers, which is annoying, but not wholly unexpected. I need to ping my manager about that this afternoon. I'm doing far more release planning that I really should be doing, but in a way having more responsibility is probably a good thing right now.
I'm feeling kind of tired and glum today. Probably partly due to PMS and crappy weather, but still. All the stress and uncertainty is really starting to takes it's toll on me. I think once I know what's going on with my life, I need to take a vacation. Go someplace quiet and relaxing, maybe sit in a hot tub, or a spa weekend in Napa. That sounds really lovely about now.
Monday, May 16, 2005
Shoe-shopping cures all
All of this waiting around business is rather exhausting. After talking things over with my mom and a particularly trusted girl-friend, I am feeling much better about my current state of mind. If work comes through with the cash, I can stay. Otherwise, I go. I really have no reason to go right now aside from having nothing better to do with myself at the moment, so there it is. With a good job, sufficient income, and time to save money and settle a few personal questions, I have every reason to stick around here (but further south) for a year.
The weekend was quiet, but just what I needed. Friday night I went to dinner and shoe shopping with the trusted girl-friend, which was quite pleasant and relaxing. Saturday I spent most of the day doing housework and a few errands, then went to another girl-friends to sew for the afternoon, which was also great fun. We ended up eating pizza, drinking wine, and watching Monty Python until rather late. Sunday I had a friend/client by for a preliminary dress fitting, which went pretty well, then I ran off to Sunnyvale to make fondue and watch Star Wars movies with M.
Overall, it was a good weekend. I have to say, taking CalTrain with a bunch of obnoxious Bay to Breakers staggerers wasn 't much fun, but once I got on the train and got my iPod cranked up, it was fine. Making fondue turned out to be surprisingly easy. For never having done it before, it turned out quite well, and M. liked it, so I count that as a food success.
Good work continues on the Laci alpaca sweater. I'm about half way done with the second side front, leaving me with just sleeves and finish work. Hurray! I'm looking forward to being able to wear it. It's so soft and light. Almost like a cloud. And I have enough yarn left to make another sweater! I;m going to be a little short-sleeved top I think, something very classic and vintage looking.
Not much else to report...all of this waiting for people to do things has me feeling rather stuck. At least I have plenty of work and things to do to keep me occupied. People keep asking me how I can stand the uncerainty...after the last couple of years actually having two viable options to choose from is a luxury. As much as it stresses me out at times, I can't help but luxuriate in it a bit. Either way, I will be doing something good and worthwhile with myself come August. I just don't know which coast I will be doing it on is all.
The weekend was quiet, but just what I needed. Friday night I went to dinner and shoe shopping with the trusted girl-friend, which was quite pleasant and relaxing. Saturday I spent most of the day doing housework and a few errands, then went to another girl-friends to sew for the afternoon, which was also great fun. We ended up eating pizza, drinking wine, and watching Monty Python until rather late. Sunday I had a friend/client by for a preliminary dress fitting, which went pretty well, then I ran off to Sunnyvale to make fondue and watch Star Wars movies with M.
Overall, it was a good weekend. I have to say, taking CalTrain with a bunch of obnoxious Bay to Breakers staggerers wasn 't much fun, but once I got on the train and got my iPod cranked up, it was fine. Making fondue turned out to be surprisingly easy. For never having done it before, it turned out quite well, and M. liked it, so I count that as a food success.
Good work continues on the Laci alpaca sweater. I'm about half way done with the second side front, leaving me with just sleeves and finish work. Hurray! I'm looking forward to being able to wear it. It's so soft and light. Almost like a cloud. And I have enough yarn left to make another sweater! I;m going to be a little short-sleeved top I think, something very classic and vintage looking.
Not much else to report...all of this waiting for people to do things has me feeling rather stuck. At least I have plenty of work and things to do to keep me occupied. People keep asking me how I can stand the uncerainty...after the last couple of years actually having two viable options to choose from is a luxury. As much as it stresses me out at times, I can't help but luxuriate in it a bit. Either way, I will be doing something good and worthwhile with myself come August. I just don't know which coast I will be doing it on is all.
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Actual knitting content too!
Strange week so far...I have at least worked out a strategy for dealing with the Job Offer of Doom. After getting sleep, talking to lots of different people, and parsing their suggestions, I have a plan. More on the specifics when I get some more information from them, but I'm sleeping better knowing that I have worked out my decision making process when the time comes for that.
Boy seemed to be worried that I'm entertaining the offer because of him and no other real "valid" reasons. First of all, why isn't he a good reason? I'm almost 30. this is probably the healthiest, most positive relationship I've ever been in. Not wanting to walk away from that without knowing if it could really work in the long term seems like a silly idea to me. It's comforting to know he's looking out for my best interests, but really. I think I managed to convince him that there are other good reasons to wait a bit, especially if the money is right.
I've been making slow but steady progress on the alpaca cardigan. The back and right front are done. I'm almost finished with the bottom lace section for the left front. That should go fairly quickly, the I just have to do the sleeves and finish work. Hurray for progress! Hopefully I'll have this done in a few weeks. It's unbearably cold on my part of the office when the AC is running.
I'm looking forward to starting another sweater project too. In a moment of weakness, I picked up this Whites Lies kit but in pink with raspberry trim. Should be very cute and I'm very excited about starting it. Everyone needs a pink cotton sweater thing. It should be good for the summer, if it ever warms up.
I desperately want to take a short vacation and do nothing but sit by the side of a pool in the shade and knit while someone brings me iced tea between massage and facial appointments. It is sweet to dream...
Boy seemed to be worried that I'm entertaining the offer because of him and no other real "valid" reasons. First of all, why isn't he a good reason? I'm almost 30. this is probably the healthiest, most positive relationship I've ever been in. Not wanting to walk away from that without knowing if it could really work in the long term seems like a silly idea to me. It's comforting to know he's looking out for my best interests, but really. I think I managed to convince him that there are other good reasons to wait a bit, especially if the money is right.
I've been making slow but steady progress on the alpaca cardigan. The back and right front are done. I'm almost finished with the bottom lace section for the left front. That should go fairly quickly, the I just have to do the sleeves and finish work. Hurray for progress! Hopefully I'll have this done in a few weeks. It's unbearably cold on my part of the office when the AC is running.
I'm looking forward to starting another sweater project too. In a moment of weakness, I picked up this Whites Lies kit but in pink with raspberry trim. Should be very cute and I'm very excited about starting it. Everyone needs a pink cotton sweater thing. It should be good for the summer, if it ever warms up.
I desperately want to take a short vacation and do nothing but sit by the side of a pool in the shade and knit while someone brings me iced tea between massage and facial appointments. It is sweet to dream...
Monday, May 09, 2005
Sleepless in Silicon Valley
So, after much deliberation and bureaucratic wrangling, I have been offered an actual job. No paper and no dollar sings, but it's mine if I want it. It's the kind of job I've been looking for for years, lots of growth potential, good pay, great benefits, wonderful working environment, and the kind of work I want to do (i.e. little to no actual testing, but lots of planning and strategic work).
And I finally have something like a reason to stay here. At least for awhile.
Add this to all of the other factors in the decision matrix, and you get lots of sleepless nights, lots of confusion, and more tears than I want to admit too.
So what do I do? I could try to defer my admissions to W&M for a year, work hard, pay off more bills and save up cash, finish this project and watch it blow everyone away, see if this relationship thing could really be something, and hunt down more and better financial aid in the process. Or, I could suck it up and carry on with my move as planned.
On the one hand, I could use the extra time to find funds for school and wouldn't feel like I was leaving something half done behind me. On the other, I might be staying here out of fear and more wrong reasons than I can count. I can go now and move on with life, resigning myself to being alone for the foreseeable future, or slow down a little and see if I might have more of a future in this area than I thought.
There are a lot of advantages to staying. It's just my motivation I question. How can I be sure I am thinking clearly when I spent most of last night sleepless and grieving for something I have not yet lost?
And I finally have something like a reason to stay here. At least for awhile.
Add this to all of the other factors in the decision matrix, and you get lots of sleepless nights, lots of confusion, and more tears than I want to admit too.
So what do I do? I could try to defer my admissions to W&M for a year, work hard, pay off more bills and save up cash, finish this project and watch it blow everyone away, see if this relationship thing could really be something, and hunt down more and better financial aid in the process. Or, I could suck it up and carry on with my move as planned.
On the one hand, I could use the extra time to find funds for school and wouldn't feel like I was leaving something half done behind me. On the other, I might be staying here out of fear and more wrong reasons than I can count. I can go now and move on with life, resigning myself to being alone for the foreseeable future, or slow down a little and see if I might have more of a future in this area than I thought.
There are a lot of advantages to staying. It's just my motivation I question. How can I be sure I am thinking clearly when I spent most of last night sleepless and grieving for something I have not yet lost?
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
I want...?
I have to be packed and send all my worldly goods away with the movers in 10 weeks. In 12 weeks, the cat and I will follow, large duffle bag in tow. I've started packing, sort through things, getting rid of baggage, getting ready to move on.
And I am terrified.
What if I am making a mistake? Not so much about school, but about leaving in general, and leaving one person in particular? How does anyone know what to do about these things? What is there to do anyway? Why are there so many questions, and why can't I find any answers?
Work is a bit nuts. It's getting harder and harder not to talk about what I'm working on. At least I can talk to M. about it, that makes things somewhat easier. I'm training two people right now, which is great. Hopefully one of them will turn out to be good and can take over my job when I leave. I think we might have hit the jack-pot with one of them actually, I'm keeping my fingers crossed anyway. The only problem is that since I spend most of the day training people and answering questions and deflecting meetings, I end up working latter so I can get my actual work done. blegh.
So how do you know if you're in love?
And I am terrified.
What if I am making a mistake? Not so much about school, but about leaving in general, and leaving one person in particular? How does anyone know what to do about these things? What is there to do anyway? Why are there so many questions, and why can't I find any answers?
Work is a bit nuts. It's getting harder and harder not to talk about what I'm working on. At least I can talk to M. about it, that makes things somewhat easier. I'm training two people right now, which is great. Hopefully one of them will turn out to be good and can take over my job when I leave. I think we might have hit the jack-pot with one of them actually, I'm keeping my fingers crossed anyway. The only problem is that since I spend most of the day training people and answering questions and deflecting meetings, I end up working latter so I can get my actual work done. blegh.
So how do you know if you're in love?
Monday, May 02, 2005
Coming to terms with Monday
I never have been good at Mondays. Today is a very example. I have a new contractor starting on my team this morning, and got terribly terribly confused about what time I was supposed to go get him this morning. For some reason, I thought I had to get him at 10. I also have a meeting at 10, and was still at M's house at 9:42, wondering how I was going to get myself caffeinated, email read, to a meeting, and get the new guy all at 10. So I was stressed. Then I get to work, have 3 minutes to grab my sad cereal, send the other temp to the meeting to spy for me while I wait for the new guy, only to realize that he gets done at 11:00 or 11:30, not at 10. GAH!! So I've got myself all tense and stressed for nothing. Grr.
Anyway, after skipping the meeting all together in favor of a latte, I'm feeling some what better. It's still Monday, I'm only half awake, but I had a pretty decent and productive weekend so it's all good.
Friday I went to see HHGTTG with J.and M. and a bunch of old radio/Burning Man friends. We all wore PJ's and towels, and got our picture taken for some promotional thing by the theater and they gave us passes to come back again for free! Yay! M was still feeling sick, so instead of bar-hopping with the towel crowd we went back to J's for drinks and to look at pictures from her trip to Europe. I so need to go on a trip someplace fabulous before I start school. Good luck with that one.
Saturday morning we got up and met N for breakfast at Noah's, M took off and N and I headed up to Napa. Napa was fun. We found a new winery (ok, not new, but we'd never been there) which we fell in love with while tasting whites of all things. Costentino has some very nice whites, lovely reds, and reasonable prices (we thought anyway).
After that, we picked up lunch stuff, went to Praeger Port Works (always a hit), then went to Coppola where, I hate to say it, we did not have fun. There was a large group of obnoxious, trashy drunk people in the private tasting room and we actually left before getting to the Rubicon part of our tasting. The people at the winery were really wonderful, gave us a whole glass of Rubicon, and were very apologetic, but it was annoying. I always look forward to a nice, relaxed time at that winery and getting stuck with annoying drunks with no class instead wasn't much fun. I can expect such behavior from people out in the main tasting room, but we were supposed to be getting a private, club members only tasting. Oh well. Can't have it perfect all the time I guess.
After the Coppola debacle, we went into Napa and grabbed dinner, then went back to my place for tea, where I discovered that one of my house mates has completely ruined my Le Creuset tea kettle (like this one only without the whistle and in Flame). I am very pissed about this. My favorite coffee mug has been chipped and now vanished, one of my new knives got chipped, and now my tea kettle is ruined. So I decided that the person who is reasonable can replace the kettle, and all of my stuff is getting packed up now lest it get further damaged.
So Sunday, I packed up most of my kitchen stuff, 3 cases of wine I am storing at my parents, 4 boxes of books I will be storing there, and all my tea cups. I actually made really good progress on the packing! I need more boxes, especially dish boxes, but I'll be able to pick those up next weekend when my dad is in town. He's coming up to eat and help me pack, and then taking things I want to keep but don't want to move away with him. I also got my laundry done, and managed to still have time to take a walk, get my Fast Pass for the month, and go to M's where I cooked him dinner.
Overall, it was a nice weekend and I feel like I got stuff done so that's something. I have 10 weeks left to pack. Ack. But I think if I can keep my focus, and do a little at a time, I'll be in good shape come July.
Anyway, after skipping the meeting all together in favor of a latte, I'm feeling some what better. It's still Monday, I'm only half awake, but I had a pretty decent and productive weekend so it's all good.
Friday I went to see HHGTTG with J.and M. and a bunch of old radio/Burning Man friends. We all wore PJ's and towels, and got our picture taken for some promotional thing by the theater and they gave us passes to come back again for free! Yay! M was still feeling sick, so instead of bar-hopping with the towel crowd we went back to J's for drinks and to look at pictures from her trip to Europe. I so need to go on a trip someplace fabulous before I start school. Good luck with that one.
Saturday morning we got up and met N for breakfast at Noah's, M took off and N and I headed up to Napa. Napa was fun. We found a new winery (ok, not new, but we'd never been there) which we fell in love with while tasting whites of all things. Costentino has some very nice whites, lovely reds, and reasonable prices (we thought anyway).
After that, we picked up lunch stuff, went to Praeger Port Works (always a hit), then went to Coppola where, I hate to say it, we did not have fun. There was a large group of obnoxious, trashy drunk people in the private tasting room and we actually left before getting to the Rubicon part of our tasting. The people at the winery were really wonderful, gave us a whole glass of Rubicon, and were very apologetic, but it was annoying. I always look forward to a nice, relaxed time at that winery and getting stuck with annoying drunks with no class instead wasn't much fun. I can expect such behavior from people out in the main tasting room, but we were supposed to be getting a private, club members only tasting. Oh well. Can't have it perfect all the time I guess.
After the Coppola debacle, we went into Napa and grabbed dinner, then went back to my place for tea, where I discovered that one of my house mates has completely ruined my Le Creuset tea kettle (like this one only without the whistle and in Flame). I am very pissed about this. My favorite coffee mug has been chipped and now vanished, one of my new knives got chipped, and now my tea kettle is ruined. So I decided that the person who is reasonable can replace the kettle, and all of my stuff is getting packed up now lest it get further damaged.
So Sunday, I packed up most of my kitchen stuff, 3 cases of wine I am storing at my parents, 4 boxes of books I will be storing there, and all my tea cups. I actually made really good progress on the packing! I need more boxes, especially dish boxes, but I'll be able to pick those up next weekend when my dad is in town. He's coming up to eat and help me pack, and then taking things I want to keep but don't want to move away with him. I also got my laundry done, and managed to still have time to take a walk, get my Fast Pass for the month, and go to M's where I cooked him dinner.
Overall, it was a nice weekend and I feel like I got stuff done so that's something. I have 10 weeks left to pack. Ack. But I think if I can keep my focus, and do a little at a time, I'll be in good shape come July.
Friday, April 29, 2005
Let the hijinks begin!
So today my entire project team is going to some fancy grocery store that has a cooking school to participate in some sort of team-building Iron Chef style competition. Here is what I predict will happen-
The product group will continue adding features to their dishes, and will ultimately produce nothing (except for an impressive list of meal features).
The engineering team will produce a light board that indicates when their dish is done, but will burn their omelet (omlet filling are a v.2 feature) in while connecting sensors and LEDs to the pan.
The QA team will spend an hour producing a single, perfectly roasted and constantly reproducible, potato, destroying the kitchen in the process (oooo look! We found a bug!).
This could be scary. God willing, no one will burn the place down. Between my freakish ability to set fire to anything (M, sorry about your microwave the other day...) and the engineers penchant for connecting electrodes and LED's to everything, this could get scary. Don't even get me started on those product guys, they just egg us all on (Oh! Let's put another bank of lights there! Surely you can increase the output of this oven?)
The product group will continue adding features to their dishes, and will ultimately produce nothing (except for an impressive list of meal features).
The engineering team will produce a light board that indicates when their dish is done, but will burn their omelet (omlet filling are a v.2 feature) in while connecting sensors and LEDs to the pan.
The QA team will spend an hour producing a single, perfectly roasted and constantly reproducible, potato, destroying the kitchen in the process (oooo look! We found a bug!).
This could be scary. God willing, no one will burn the place down. Between my freakish ability to set fire to anything (M, sorry about your microwave the other day...) and the engineers penchant for connecting electrodes and LED's to everything, this could get scary. Don't even get me started on those product guys, they just egg us all on (Oh! Let's put another bank of lights there! Surely you can increase the output of this oven?)
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Run away now if insecure boy-related ranting isn't your thing
Boy is all sick, but we haven't spent any time together in more than 2 weeks. We were supposed to go see HHGTTG with some of my friends on Friday. He totally forgot about this which pisses me off, I have very little to no free time to dick around with and advance planning is the only way I get to see anyone I don't actually work with. But whatever, he's sick, I can get that, but he won't make even half-assed plans for the weekend either. Now one of my friends wants to go to Napa on Saturday, and he's all, "gee, if it means you have to plan I guess you should go or whatever and I'm going to flying anyway maybe." My dad is supposed to come up the next weekend to help me pack and take a bunch of stuff away to store at my parents, and I have to start getting my stuff organized and packed, so I'm pretty much never going to see him again.
Unless it's at work.
The one thing I do not have time for is flaking out on plans, I don't have the luxury of available days to reschedule at the moment. For fuck sake, I got at home at 10 last night, and had to leave again at 7. I don't have free time to do laundry, never mind re-shuffle other plans. I get 2 days a week to have a social life outside work, do housework, and get ready to move. That's it. So I guess maybe that tells me something...either he's clueless about all of this or just not motivated enough to, I don't know, keep track of things? I've been shuffling things around so I can spend time with him when it suits him for the last 2 months. My schedule looks like tetris, it's not that easy to shuffle.
At the same time, he's sick and just got back from a long trip half way around the world, I should give him some slack and not assume that his apparent disinterest in me is anything more than being tired and sick. But I feel like he went out of his way to avoid dealing with me the week before he left, and this isn't helping with the resulting sense of insecurity and marginalization. If he doesn't want to see me anymore, just come out and say it and don't do this stupid passive-aggressive pushing me away but not letting go crap. If he thinks one of both of us are getting too attached given I'm moving to Virgina in 3 months, well, too late buck-o. I've pretty much decided to take what I can get while I can get it, enjoy what time I have left, and refuse to look back with any sort of regret. Why cant he be happy I want to spend that time with him? It's not going to make the inevitable hurt any less to be all weird and distant and cold while refusing to let me go.
Anyway, my weekend plans are now as follows:
Friday night - race back to city from work for HHGTTG thing
Saturday day and eavening - Napa with N.
Sunday day - Laundry, pack, sew 2 comissioned skirts I forgot about
Sunday night - get ready for ass-crack of dawn early Monday commute, more packing and sleep
Unless it's at work.
The one thing I do not have time for is flaking out on plans, I don't have the luxury of available days to reschedule at the moment. For fuck sake, I got at home at 10 last night, and had to leave again at 7. I don't have free time to do laundry, never mind re-shuffle other plans. I get 2 days a week to have a social life outside work, do housework, and get ready to move. That's it. So I guess maybe that tells me something...either he's clueless about all of this or just not motivated enough to, I don't know, keep track of things? I've been shuffling things around so I can spend time with him when it suits him for the last 2 months. My schedule looks like tetris, it's not that easy to shuffle.
At the same time, he's sick and just got back from a long trip half way around the world, I should give him some slack and not assume that his apparent disinterest in me is anything more than being tired and sick. But I feel like he went out of his way to avoid dealing with me the week before he left, and this isn't helping with the resulting sense of insecurity and marginalization. If he doesn't want to see me anymore, just come out and say it and don't do this stupid passive-aggressive pushing me away but not letting go crap. If he thinks one of both of us are getting too attached given I'm moving to Virgina in 3 months, well, too late buck-o. I've pretty much decided to take what I can get while I can get it, enjoy what time I have left, and refuse to look back with any sort of regret. Why cant he be happy I want to spend that time with him? It's not going to make the inevitable hurt any less to be all weird and distant and cold while refusing to let me go.
Anyway, my weekend plans are now as follows:
Friday night - race back to city from work for HHGTTG thing
Saturday day and eavening - Napa with N.
Sunday day - Laundry, pack, sew 2 comissioned skirts I forgot about
Sunday night - get ready for ass-crack of dawn early Monday commute, more packing and sleep
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Finally some pictures!
I had rather a dull weekend. The high lite of the whole thing was dressing up the penguins.
I am particularly fond of the utility belt. One of J's friends referred to the Red Hat wearing penguins as "ABOMINATION!!!" every time he walked past it. Ok, the guy hadn't slept in at least 36 hours, but I guess Red Hat is not his distribution of choice.
Here also I have pictures of the alpaca sweater I am knitting for myself and the alpaca it come from! I spun this yarn some time ago and have been agonizing about what to make out of it for ages. I finally settled on a pattern and got started, and so far am very happy with the results. It's going to be a fairly small, light thing, perfect for spring, and I have enough yarn left over to make another sweater! Hurray! I've already got the pattern picked out for Lacy sweater #2. It's a vintage design, and will be more tightly knit so I don't have to wear quite as much under it.
I am particularly fond of the utility belt. One of J's friends referred to the Red Hat wearing penguins as "ABOMINATION!!!" every time he walked past it. Ok, the guy hadn't slept in at least 36 hours, but I guess Red Hat is not his distribution of choice.
Here also I have pictures of the alpaca sweater I am knitting for myself and the alpaca it come from! I spun this yarn some time ago and have been agonizing about what to make out of it for ages. I finally settled on a pattern and got started, and so far am very happy with the results. It's going to be a fairly small, light thing, perfect for spring, and I have enough yarn left over to make another sweater! Hurray! I've already got the pattern picked out for Lacy sweater #2. It's a vintage design, and will be more tightly knit so I don't have to wear quite as much under it.
Friday, April 22, 2005
Computer buying advice...and how not to get it
So I thought that it might be smart to ask some of the engineers I have lunch with if getting a Thinkpad T42 for $1675 was a good deal (this is the system I can get through school, at what appears to be a good price). Ask any group of engineers for computer recommendations, and strangely, the number of system recommended will be an order of magnitude larger than the number of engineers asked. Several of the recommendations even involved the additional purchase of a desktop machine/server farm.
Sigh.
So, my requirements are these:
1 - The system must not cost more than $1675
2 - If it does cost more, I must get a better deal that what the college has negotiated on the T42
3 - System must be capable of running Linux
4 - System must not require the purchase of other systems or data centers
5 - System must not be totally obsolete by the time I get it home
6 - System must be extensible to at least some degree
8 - Must be able to carry this to class (duh)
4-6 are mistakes I made with my sad iBook. I hugely underestimated my future computing needs, and ended up with a system that is now semi-functional, won't do half of what I want, and can no longer be upgraded since Apple doesn't bother to support older hardware and new peripherals and upgrades are almost never backwards compatible.
Anyway, I'm open to advice and suggestions, and also offers to purchase the recommended system. Strong opinions backed up with actual cash, those are the best kind!
I'm having a similar problem with the whole car-purchasing project. 5 people, n(5) different recommendations, none of which are really feasible as far as my bank account goes. I mean, if you really feel that strongly about my need to drive a Aston Martin or 5-series BMW, I'm more than happy to do so if you provide the vehicle.
Sigh.
So, my requirements are these:
1 - The system must not cost more than $1675
2 - If it does cost more, I must get a better deal that what the college has negotiated on the T42
3 - System must be capable of running Linux
4 - System must not require the purchase of other systems or data centers
5 - System must not be totally obsolete by the time I get it home
6 - System must be extensible to at least some degree
8 - Must be able to carry this to class (duh)
4-6 are mistakes I made with my sad iBook. I hugely underestimated my future computing needs, and ended up with a system that is now semi-functional, won't do half of what I want, and can no longer be upgraded since Apple doesn't bother to support older hardware and new peripherals and upgrades are almost never backwards compatible.
Anyway, I'm open to advice and suggestions, and also offers to purchase the recommended system. Strong opinions backed up with actual cash, those are the best kind!
I'm having a similar problem with the whole car-purchasing project. 5 people, n(5) different recommendations, none of which are really feasible as far as my bank account goes. I mean, if you really feel that strongly about my need to drive a Aston Martin or 5-series BMW, I'm more than happy to do so if you provide the vehicle.
Thursday, April 21, 2005
What I know to be true
1 - The only stupid question is the one you asked me 5 times already today.
2 - Moving day at the office = zero productivity
3 - If people are going to work for you, it would be better if you had some input into the selection process (thus hopefully avoiding true things #1 and #4)
4 - Following directions can't possibly be *that* hard, can it?
5 - Nap time should not just be for kindergartners
It's just been that kind of week.
The massage on Tuesday was hugely helpful. I can move my neck again! Hurray! My back is still stiff and yucky feeling, but it's finally getting better and just sitting in my chair isn't such a drag. I need to get massages more frequently. What with the crazy schedule we are on, weird group tension and drama, and trying to train a guy who's conversation consists mainly of "yup, yup, ok!" these little chances to relax are a good thing.
The penguin knitting has turned out to be as addictive as I had feared. Oh well. At least it's fun, and somewhat productive. I have two finished, one of which I need to sew together, and another well on it's way. All in 2 days, of just knitting during my commute. Sad really. I'm planning little outfits for them already. Hopefully I can get a penguin sized geek utility belt figured out by Monday morning for M's penguin. He'd get a kick out of that.
My team is moving to new building tonight,. so our cube area is an a state of chaos and disarray. this should be a nice challenge for the mail people. I have a package on it's way to me as I type (at least I think it's on it's way, hard to tell sometimes with lousy order tracking systems). Will they be able to find me in my new location when it gets here? Stay tuned and find out!
2 - Moving day at the office = zero productivity
3 - If people are going to work for you, it would be better if you had some input into the selection process (thus hopefully avoiding true things #1 and #4)
4 - Following directions can't possibly be *that* hard, can it?
5 - Nap time should not just be for kindergartners
It's just been that kind of week.
The massage on Tuesday was hugely helpful. I can move my neck again! Hurray! My back is still stiff and yucky feeling, but it's finally getting better and just sitting in my chair isn't such a drag. I need to get massages more frequently. What with the crazy schedule we are on, weird group tension and drama, and trying to train a guy who's conversation consists mainly of "yup, yup, ok!" these little chances to relax are a good thing.
The penguin knitting has turned out to be as addictive as I had feared. Oh well. At least it's fun, and somewhat productive. I have two finished, one of which I need to sew together, and another well on it's way. All in 2 days, of just knitting during my commute. Sad really. I'm planning little outfits for them already. Hopefully I can get a penguin sized geek utility belt figured out by Monday morning for M's penguin. He'd get a kick out of that.
My team is moving to new building tonight,. so our cube area is an a state of chaos and disarray. this should be a nice challenge for the mail people. I have a package on it's way to me as I type (at least I think it's on it's way, hard to tell sometimes with lousy order tracking systems). Will they be able to find me in my new location when it gets here? Stay tuned and find out!
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Look at all the pretty documents!
I'm buried in documentation. Not completed documentation, but all of the documentation I have been not doing for the last few months in favor of actual work. Now that I have someone to help out with the testing, I can get some of the administrative stuff done, and my god am I ever behind! Oh well. I'll catch up, and it'll make the whole process of handing this off to someone much easier.
The saga of the penguin yarn turned out to have a very happy ending. As it turns out, the packages had in fact been delivered to the mail room (duh), and the goob who was supposed to have delivered it to me did in fact walk right past my desk no less than twice holding said package, and failing to identify my cube. Grrrr. I spotted the package on the mail cart yesterday, found the mail guy, and now I have my yarn! Hurray! The yellow isn't as bright as I had hoped, but it will do. Stupid mail room.
Anyhow, I decided to use cascade 220, because it comes in lots of colors, is not expensive, is the right gauge, and isn't icky acetate. Plus it has really good yardage, so I should be able to get quite a few penguins out of my one ball of each color. I already have the back and half a belly done for the first penguin! Yay! I have a feeling these might be as addictive to knit as the felted mice were. At least I know lots of Linux geeks who will give the penguins nice homes.
My back is even feeling better, thank god. Something popped and made an awful crunching sound this morning, and now everything feels much better. Not perfect, and still tense, but the stabby and shooting pains have stopped. Hurray! Hopefully the dull ache and residual tension will get worked out today at my massage appointment. Another week of awful back problems sounds pretty intolerable to me, and I really want to go dancing this weekend.
The saga of the penguin yarn turned out to have a very happy ending. As it turns out, the packages had in fact been delivered to the mail room (duh), and the goob who was supposed to have delivered it to me did in fact walk right past my desk no less than twice holding said package, and failing to identify my cube. Grrrr. I spotted the package on the mail cart yesterday, found the mail guy, and now I have my yarn! Hurray! The yellow isn't as bright as I had hoped, but it will do. Stupid mail room.
Anyhow, I decided to use cascade 220, because it comes in lots of colors, is not expensive, is the right gauge, and isn't icky acetate. Plus it has really good yardage, so I should be able to get quite a few penguins out of my one ball of each color. I already have the back and half a belly done for the first penguin! Yay! I have a feeling these might be as addictive to knit as the felted mice were. At least I know lots of Linux geeks who will give the penguins nice homes.
My back is even feeling better, thank god. Something popped and made an awful crunching sound this morning, and now everything feels much better. Not perfect, and still tense, but the stabby and shooting pains have stopped. Hurray! Hopefully the dull ache and residual tension will get worked out today at my massage appointment. Another week of awful back problems sounds pretty intolerable to me, and I really want to go dancing this weekend.
Monday, April 18, 2005
Dingos, wallabies and whores, oh my!
People need to stop telling me awful horror stories about what goes on in various parts of Australia. I really think J, my newest house mate, takes a perverse kind of pleasure in freaking out with tales of rabid dingos and whores absconding with innocent geek-boys. Oh well. How much trouble can M. really get into all by himself, surrounded by utility-belt wearing Linux geeks?
I've been in extreme amounts of pain all weekend. I have no idea what I did to my back, but it got all awful and hurting last week, and totally unbearable over the weekend. I managed to take one of the boys from work furniture shopping (very successful, we got him a lovely sectional and an arm chair for his otherwise empty living room) on Saturday. I think I made it through the day by virtue of lunchtime margaritas and several gin and tonics, but Sunday was a total waste. I spent the day stuck on the sofa, watching awful TV and trying to find a comfortable position. At least I managed to get some knitting done and hem my pink bias dress, so it wasn't so unproductive as to be depressing.
Anyhow, work is interesting. I'm all hopped up on pain killers and fuzzy headed, trying to train some poor new guy, figure out what our Q2 goals need to be, and track down phantom documentation. We have the most bloated product team ever. It's absurd. I do not understand why it's so easy for us to get more useless product marketing people and so difficult to get engineers, but there it is. It's highly annoying.
The yarn for my wool penguins seems to have vanished into the black hole that is the US postal service or the mail room. USPS claims it was delivered. The mail room claims it's at the wrong post office. I am pretty sure it was in fact on one of the mail delivery carts that rolled by on Friday (only 1 day after being delivered!) and failed to be delivered to me because 1 - my cube is not well marked and 2 - the guy driving the cart is an idiot who didn't bother to ask anyone where cube number x is. But I'm bitter, and have no faith in the system. So there it is. I want my frellin' yarn!!
I've been in extreme amounts of pain all weekend. I have no idea what I did to my back, but it got all awful and hurting last week, and totally unbearable over the weekend. I managed to take one of the boys from work furniture shopping (very successful, we got him a lovely sectional and an arm chair for his otherwise empty living room) on Saturday. I think I made it through the day by virtue of lunchtime margaritas and several gin and tonics, but Sunday was a total waste. I spent the day stuck on the sofa, watching awful TV and trying to find a comfortable position. At least I managed to get some knitting done and hem my pink bias dress, so it wasn't so unproductive as to be depressing.
Anyhow, work is interesting. I'm all hopped up on pain killers and fuzzy headed, trying to train some poor new guy, figure out what our Q2 goals need to be, and track down phantom documentation. We have the most bloated product team ever. It's absurd. I do not understand why it's so easy for us to get more useless product marketing people and so difficult to get engineers, but there it is. It's highly annoying.
The yarn for my wool penguins seems to have vanished into the black hole that is the US postal service or the mail room. USPS claims it was delivered. The mail room claims it's at the wrong post office. I am pretty sure it was in fact on one of the mail delivery carts that rolled by on Friday (only 1 day after being delivered!) and failed to be delivered to me because 1 - my cube is not well marked and 2 - the guy driving the cart is an idiot who didn't bother to ask anyone where cube number x is. But I'm bitter, and have no faith in the system. So there it is. I want my frellin' yarn!!
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Actual knitting content!
My commute knitting progress got seriously derailed when I discovered that I could quite happily watch old episodes of Stargate on my laptop while riding to and from work. Well, in the last week I have run out of things to watch and keep forgetting to transfer new files over when I am at M's. So I'm back to knitting!
This week I made a very simple tunnel lace scarf out of some old stash yarn, and started on my lacy alpaca sweater (from the handspun stash). Yay for using up the stash! Moving my yarn and fiber stash to Virginia in it's current state is just a ridiculous proposition, so I am trying very hard to resist the urge to start projects that require new purchases. However, I have not a single scrap of yarn suitable for this project. Knitting wool penguins is about as geeky as it gets, but I think M will like one, Linux geek that he is. Or maybe a pair of them, with little outfits! He's going out of town (well, off the continent really) for 10 whole days, so hopefully by the time he gets back he'll have at least one cute little penguin in a dashing outfit waiting for him.
It's no worse that knitting an army of felted mice really...
I'm trying to decide what to make out of some really lovely black alpaca and white silk handspun that I did a long time ago. It's kind of lace weight, maybe closer to fingering, and the white silk makes the whole thing shimmer like moonlight. Clearly, this needs to be something elegant, but what? I was thinking some sort of shawl or wrap, I'm just having a terrible time finding a pattern like, or even settling on a shape. Everything I've found so far seems either too modern/trendy for my taste, or too old fashioned for the yarn. Gah. Hopefully I will come up with something soon. Some sort of shrug thing might work...
This is pretty much the one major drawback to using handspun yarns. Once I've spent what feels like an eternity spinning something (especially if it's fine or really wonderful fiber), I am terrified to make anything out of it that I might one day get sick of or makes me feel like I wasted the yarn on a less than perfect project. So I hem and haw about the project, and end up making nothing or ripping out 100 times. Which is just perfectly silly, and gets me nowhere, but there it is. Once I get going, all is well, but it takes ages and ages to get started on anything.
In non-knitting news, work is getting progressively more interesting. I am finally getting a second person to help me with this project, and people seem to have finally worked out that hiring in this group is actually an urgent need. We're moving to a new building next week, which should be nice, at least I'll have more room and my eventual team will fit someplace in the same area. My commute is slowly robbing me of my will to get up in the morning, but what can you do? I'm slowly adjusting to having actual sociable housemates, which is a mixed deal for me. After a long day at work and a crap MUNI experience to get home, the last thing I want is to be sociable, but it's probably good for me to not sit around and stew for the hour and a half I manage to remain awake.
This week I made a very simple tunnel lace scarf out of some old stash yarn, and started on my lacy alpaca sweater (from the handspun stash). Yay for using up the stash! Moving my yarn and fiber stash to Virginia in it's current state is just a ridiculous proposition, so I am trying very hard to resist the urge to start projects that require new purchases. However, I have not a single scrap of yarn suitable for this project. Knitting wool penguins is about as geeky as it gets, but I think M will like one, Linux geek that he is. Or maybe a pair of them, with little outfits! He's going out of town (well, off the continent really) for 10 whole days, so hopefully by the time he gets back he'll have at least one cute little penguin in a dashing outfit waiting for him.
It's no worse that knitting an army of felted mice really...
I'm trying to decide what to make out of some really lovely black alpaca and white silk handspun that I did a long time ago. It's kind of lace weight, maybe closer to fingering, and the white silk makes the whole thing shimmer like moonlight. Clearly, this needs to be something elegant, but what? I was thinking some sort of shawl or wrap, I'm just having a terrible time finding a pattern like, or even settling on a shape. Everything I've found so far seems either too modern/trendy for my taste, or too old fashioned for the yarn. Gah. Hopefully I will come up with something soon. Some sort of shrug thing might work...
This is pretty much the one major drawback to using handspun yarns. Once I've spent what feels like an eternity spinning something (especially if it's fine or really wonderful fiber), I am terrified to make anything out of it that I might one day get sick of or makes me feel like I wasted the yarn on a less than perfect project. So I hem and haw about the project, and end up making nothing or ripping out 100 times. Which is just perfectly silly, and gets me nowhere, but there it is. Once I get going, all is well, but it takes ages and ages to get started on anything.
In non-knitting news, work is getting progressively more interesting. I am finally getting a second person to help me with this project, and people seem to have finally worked out that hiring in this group is actually an urgent need. We're moving to a new building next week, which should be nice, at least I'll have more room and my eventual team will fit someplace in the same area. My commute is slowly robbing me of my will to get up in the morning, but what can you do? I'm slowly adjusting to having actual sociable housemates, which is a mixed deal for me. After a long day at work and a crap MUNI experience to get home, the last thing I want is to be sociable, but it's probably good for me to not sit around and stew for the hour and a half I manage to remain awake.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Mass-transit rage
MUNI seems to be going out of it's way this week to make me really really glad I am moving in a couple of months. Since Friday, it has taken me well over an hour to get home. Mostly I've been giving up, and taking the first train I can get out of Civic Center to someplace civilized and getting dinner, in hopes that whatever asinine clog-forming event will have cleared up by the time I'm done. It's enough to make one hate humanity in general. Why is it that the more people that are stuck on the platform, the ruder people get? Especially old women with 3 remaining teeth. You'd think they were geriatric hockey players or something, the way they try to shove you in front on oncoming trains. I hate them all!!
This about sums up my opinion of mass transit in this part of world:
In somewhat less annoying news, I finally cast on my lacy alpaca sweater! Hurray! I am using the cardigan view of this pattern, with my usual few modifications. The yarn is a lovely natural color of alpaca that I spun. This was the alpaca my dad got my for Christmas a couple of years ago that I took so long to spin up. I have about an inch of the back done, just enough to see how the lace pattern shows up in the yarn, and it's going to be yummy! Lite weight and warm, with a wonderful soft sheen to it. It defiantly does the fiber justice. The yarn is lovely to knit, just as the fiber was lovely to spin. Once I have a bit more done, I'll post pictures. Hopefully I will be able to go visit the alpaca the fiber came from once I finish the sweater!
This about sums up my opinion of mass transit in this part of world:
In somewhat less annoying news, I finally cast on my lacy alpaca sweater! Hurray! I am using the cardigan view of this pattern, with my usual few modifications. The yarn is a lovely natural color of alpaca that I spun. This was the alpaca my dad got my for Christmas a couple of years ago that I took so long to spin up. I have about an inch of the back done, just enough to see how the lace pattern shows up in the yarn, and it's going to be yummy! Lite weight and warm, with a wonderful soft sheen to it. It defiantly does the fiber justice. The yarn is lovely to knit, just as the fiber was lovely to spin. Once I have a bit more done, I'll post pictures. Hopefully I will be able to go visit the alpaca the fiber came from once I finish the sweater!
Monday, April 11, 2005
Finally, she sews!
So aside from the usual back-achy tired and annoying bug reports with less than no useful information, today is going ok and I am remarkably un-cranky. Hurray! Probably this is because I finally found my bottle of Aleve and sent off my OES resignation letter. All the nasty ick phone calls got taken care of, and I am done! Thank god! I have a few emails to send out yet, but that will take all of 15 minutes and isn't nearly as unpleasant as the phone calls.
Anyhow, the weekend was rather nice in a lazy kind of way. Friday I went to see Sin City with some old friends I haven't seen in ages. I'm not sure what this says about me, but I really enjoyed the movie. Sure, it was bloody and gross, but I didn't find it gratuitous in any way, and actually thought most of it was pretty funny. I guess the whole comic-book feel of the thing helped. Go see it, but not if you have a weak stomach or get grossed out easily.
Saturday I was supposed to go furniture shopping with one of the guys from work, but we were both feeling too lazy, so I ended up staying home and sewing all day. I did take a walk with J, the newest house mate, but it was mostly a hang out and rest kind of day. Which was good, I stayed up far too late Friday night. The only problem with the whole thing was that I was board to tears by about 6, and too tired to do anything effective about it, so A and I watched Le Divorce and ate brie and pate until we passed out on the couch.
Sunday was a bit better, as far as falling asleep goes. M decided to take me out for dinner at someplace he described as "reasonably classy," which threw A. and I into a dress-selecting frenzy. I have exactly 2 half-way decent looking dresses. My closet is in a sad state as far as "reasonably classy" cloths go, plus we weren't altogether sure what that meant exactly, especially coming from an engineer. It was decided that I would have to go shopping. So Sunday morning I hit the mall. 4 hours latter, I emerged with a really pretty vintage looking lingerie dress and a new watch. I really love this dress. It was in the juniors department at Macy's, and so isn't the most well made thing in the world, but it's pretty and flirty and has lace, and looks sexy, but elegant. J. helped me accessorize, and I was off to Palo Alto for a lovely French dinner. Yum! It was a very nice evening, and the dress seems to have been a success. Hurray!
And finally, fiber content! Saturday, I sewed. I worked on the cheongsam I abandoned some time ago, and managed to get the dress body pieces flat-lined. This was a huge achievement, given that I was using china silk, the most annoying fabric known to man. I really don't need to line this dress, but the fabric I am using is vintage, and want to protect it however I can. Plus it will be easier to sew the bias bindings down on the inside with a lining. That didn't take too long, but I was so pissed off at the silk that I decided to do something else for a little while, and made a bias-cut slip dress from Vogue with a really neat asymmetrical hem which they seem to have discontinued. Anyway, it went together really quickly and looks lovely, but doing all the hand rolled hems all over kind of sucks. I did the hand rolling at the neck, and need to hem it tonight, now that it's had a couple of days to hang out.
Since I was taking the train down to Palo Alto, I decided I needed a new brainless knitting project, and cast on a simple tunnel lace scarf. Brainless knitting is a wonderful thing. I find it much easier to relax while watching a movie if I have something in my hands. It slows my brain down, I can relax, and thinking about things one step at a time gets much easier. Why I sometimes lose sight of that I will never understand. Fiber is my therapy. Knitting it portable therapy. Spinning is even better therapy but harder to do on buses and trains.
Anyhow, the weekend was rather nice in a lazy kind of way. Friday I went to see Sin City with some old friends I haven't seen in ages. I'm not sure what this says about me, but I really enjoyed the movie. Sure, it was bloody and gross, but I didn't find it gratuitous in any way, and actually thought most of it was pretty funny. I guess the whole comic-book feel of the thing helped. Go see it, but not if you have a weak stomach or get grossed out easily.
Saturday I was supposed to go furniture shopping with one of the guys from work, but we were both feeling too lazy, so I ended up staying home and sewing all day. I did take a walk with J, the newest house mate, but it was mostly a hang out and rest kind of day. Which was good, I stayed up far too late Friday night. The only problem with the whole thing was that I was board to tears by about 6, and too tired to do anything effective about it, so A and I watched Le Divorce and ate brie and pate until we passed out on the couch.
Sunday was a bit better, as far as falling asleep goes. M decided to take me out for dinner at someplace he described as "reasonably classy," which threw A. and I into a dress-selecting frenzy. I have exactly 2 half-way decent looking dresses. My closet is in a sad state as far as "reasonably classy" cloths go, plus we weren't altogether sure what that meant exactly, especially coming from an engineer. It was decided that I would have to go shopping. So Sunday morning I hit the mall. 4 hours latter, I emerged with a really pretty vintage looking lingerie dress and a new watch. I really love this dress. It was in the juniors department at Macy's, and so isn't the most well made thing in the world, but it's pretty and flirty and has lace, and looks sexy, but elegant. J. helped me accessorize, and I was off to Palo Alto for a lovely French dinner. Yum! It was a very nice evening, and the dress seems to have been a success. Hurray!
And finally, fiber content! Saturday, I sewed. I worked on the cheongsam I abandoned some time ago, and managed to get the dress body pieces flat-lined. This was a huge achievement, given that I was using china silk, the most annoying fabric known to man. I really don't need to line this dress, but the fabric I am using is vintage, and want to protect it however I can. Plus it will be easier to sew the bias bindings down on the inside with a lining. That didn't take too long, but I was so pissed off at the silk that I decided to do something else for a little while, and made a bias-cut slip dress from Vogue with a really neat asymmetrical hem which they seem to have discontinued. Anyway, it went together really quickly and looks lovely, but doing all the hand rolled hems all over kind of sucks. I did the hand rolling at the neck, and need to hem it tonight, now that it's had a couple of days to hang out.
Since I was taking the train down to Palo Alto, I decided I needed a new brainless knitting project, and cast on a simple tunnel lace scarf. Brainless knitting is a wonderful thing. I find it much easier to relax while watching a movie if I have something in my hands. It slows my brain down, I can relax, and thinking about things one step at a time gets much easier. Why I sometimes lose sight of that I will never understand. Fiber is my therapy. Knitting it portable therapy. Spinning is even better therapy but harder to do on buses and trains.
Thursday, April 07, 2005
Things to do before I move:
1 - Find an apartment
2 - Hire movers
3 - Switch banks
4 - Research banks
5 - Start DSL at new house
6 - Climb Mount Tam with M.
7 - Drink Rubicon
8 - Spa day with C.
9 - Visit the light house at Point Reyes
10 - Get a good legal looking suit
11 - Get new glasses
12 - Learn to drive a stick
The list will surely grow...
2 - Hire movers
3 - Switch banks
4 - Research banks
5 - Start DSL at new house
6 - Climb Mount Tam with M.
7 - Drink Rubicon
8 - Spa day with C.
9 - Visit the light house at Point Reyes
10 - Get a good legal looking suit
11 - Get new glasses
12 - Learn to drive a stick
The list will surely grow...
It's so...green?
A satellite photo of where I will be in 4 months and where I live now.
Eep. This will be differant.
Differant is good, right?
Eep. This will be differant.
Differant is good, right?
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Interesting developments
-I got an offer for a full tuition scholarship from the New England School of Law. I have declined it. Am I insane? Maybe. US News ranks it as 4th tier. Free and 4th tier, and competing with Harvard students for jobs sounds like something that isn't worth loan avoidance in my world. Not when I have top-tier school as an option. But it is really gratifying to see that award letter sitting on the bed. I am wanted. Someone believes in my potential as a lawyer. And that goes a long way.
-C. and I have worked out a plan to extricate myself from OES. Thank god. This means I will be free to enjoy the time I have left in the Bay Area with my friends. I feel a little bad about this, but there are so many things I actually want to do and see before I go, spending an absurd amount of time and energy on something that has become a chore (and a miserable one at that) just doesn't seem worth it anymore.
-Time lines are shaping up on my project at work. I just might see the end of this thing after all, if all goes well. That would be a nice note to leave on actually. I'll either be here to get this baby out the door, or I'll be watching it happen a few weeks into my law school career. I'd much rather do it myself and get the satisfaction of getting it out myself.
-I might actually have time to sew this weekend. Who would have thought? I want to finish the 1901 corset. If I can do that I will feel like I have accomplished something. It should be easy to do. All I need to do is put in the rest of the eyelets, take it in at the sides, and make the bindings and boning channels. Not too bad.
-C. and I have worked out a plan to extricate myself from OES. Thank god. This means I will be free to enjoy the time I have left in the Bay Area with my friends. I feel a little bad about this, but there are so many things I actually want to do and see before I go, spending an absurd amount of time and energy on something that has become a chore (and a miserable one at that) just doesn't seem worth it anymore.
-Time lines are shaping up on my project at work. I just might see the end of this thing after all, if all goes well. That would be a nice note to leave on actually. I'll either be here to get this baby out the door, or I'll be watching it happen a few weeks into my law school career. I'd much rather do it myself and get the satisfaction of getting it out myself.
-I might actually have time to sew this weekend. Who would have thought? I want to finish the 1901 corset. If I can do that I will feel like I have accomplished something. It should be easy to do. All I need to do is put in the rest of the eyelets, take it in at the sides, and make the bindings and boning channels. Not too bad.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Zoom zoom!
I'm feeling vaguely schizophrenic today, alternating between stressed out of my mind and super relaxed and excited. Very strange.
I had a great weekend actually. Saturday was fairly mellow, my project team at work got together and we had a BBQ at one of the guys houses to celebrate meeting a major milestone. I ended up falling asleep on the floor while playing some railroad tycoon based board game from the 80's, but it was a fun afternoon/evening. Sunday I got some errands done and got all the rest of the icky red dye out of my hair, M. came over, and I took him to El Mansour for dinner (where I even got M to attempt to belly dance, much to the delight of all present) before we headed up to Willows for a track day on Monday.
The track was fun! I thought I was going to fly right out of a few of the cars I rode in, but woo! Who knew I liked going too fast in little sports cars? I was also amazed to find out how much work it is to stay in your seat while riding in a car going that fast around corners. I found myself very sore last night on the way home. Nothing a couple of Advil couldn't solve, but I apparently have a bruise on my shoulder blade and I sort of feel like I do after a day of really hard hiking or skiing. It's a nice feeling actually, exhausted but relaxed and invigorated. I wanna go again!
For some reason though I keep finding myself teetering on the edge of panic. It's the stupidest thing in the world. Sunday I forgot about daylight savings (which is the work of the devil, clearly) and ended up being an hour late for an appointment I thought I was early for. Oh well. It set the whole morning back a bit, but it wasn't that bad. Then I lost my watch, and ended up tearing around the house for 2 hours looking for it, without any luck. Somewhere in the course of late Sunday night or early Monday morning, it was decided that we would not be going back through SF, so I ended up in the south bay this morning without anything to wear to work this morning, without my cell phone charger, without my watch, and without my book or laptop for the ride home tonight. I also failed to leave the rent check at home Sunday (due to the whole watch freak-out), so I'm kind of stressing about that, but oh well. Why all of this is serving to overwhelm me this morning is anyone's guess. I can't even remember how to use vim at the moment. Which is sad. It's an awful application but surely, remembering the basic edit commands isn't too much to ask?
In other news, Loki (A's cat) caught a mouse or small rat on Saturday. That was thrilling. I ended up standing on top of the kitchen chair doing chick-with-mouse freak-out dance, then running to the living room and jumping on top of the couch. It was very sad, but would probably have been entertaining for the casual observer. I hate mice. Especially when half-dead and danging out of the cats mouth. But I suppose it's better there than pooping all over the counters.
Anyway...I'm looking forward to some quality knitting and spinning time this week. I need to try to unwind and relax as much as I can in the next few months. Work is going to remain insane, so whatever I can do to make the rest of life relaxing and enjoyable while I can is a good thing.
I had a great weekend actually. Saturday was fairly mellow, my project team at work got together and we had a BBQ at one of the guys houses to celebrate meeting a major milestone. I ended up falling asleep on the floor while playing some railroad tycoon based board game from the 80's, but it was a fun afternoon/evening. Sunday I got some errands done and got all the rest of the icky red dye out of my hair, M. came over, and I took him to El Mansour for dinner (where I even got M to attempt to belly dance, much to the delight of all present) before we headed up to Willows for a track day on Monday.
The track was fun! I thought I was going to fly right out of a few of the cars I rode in, but woo! Who knew I liked going too fast in little sports cars? I was also amazed to find out how much work it is to stay in your seat while riding in a car going that fast around corners. I found myself very sore last night on the way home. Nothing a couple of Advil couldn't solve, but I apparently have a bruise on my shoulder blade and I sort of feel like I do after a day of really hard hiking or skiing. It's a nice feeling actually, exhausted but relaxed and invigorated. I wanna go again!
For some reason though I keep finding myself teetering on the edge of panic. It's the stupidest thing in the world. Sunday I forgot about daylight savings (which is the work of the devil, clearly) and ended up being an hour late for an appointment I thought I was early for. Oh well. It set the whole morning back a bit, but it wasn't that bad. Then I lost my watch, and ended up tearing around the house for 2 hours looking for it, without any luck. Somewhere in the course of late Sunday night or early Monday morning, it was decided that we would not be going back through SF, so I ended up in the south bay this morning without anything to wear to work this morning, without my cell phone charger, without my watch, and without my book or laptop for the ride home tonight. I also failed to leave the rent check at home Sunday (due to the whole watch freak-out), so I'm kind of stressing about that, but oh well. Why all of this is serving to overwhelm me this morning is anyone's guess. I can't even remember how to use vim at the moment. Which is sad. It's an awful application but surely, remembering the basic edit commands isn't too much to ask?
In other news, Loki (A's cat) caught a mouse or small rat on Saturday. That was thrilling. I ended up standing on top of the kitchen chair doing chick-with-mouse freak-out dance, then running to the living room and jumping on top of the couch. It was very sad, but would probably have been entertaining for the casual observer. I hate mice. Especially when half-dead and danging out of the cats mouth. But I suppose it's better there than pooping all over the counters.
Anyway...I'm looking forward to some quality knitting and spinning time this week. I need to try to unwind and relax as much as I can in the next few months. Work is going to remain insane, so whatever I can do to make the rest of life relaxing and enjoyable while I can is a good thing.
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
I did it! Ack!
I finished the letters.
I checked the box.
I stuffed the eveloped.
I put it in the mailbox.
So I am officially moving to Virginia, and starting classes at William and Mary School of Law on August 15th.
I don't exactly feel calmer about anything at this point, but at least I didn't try to climb in the mailbox after the letter. Which is something.
Now I just have to sort through all my wordly goods, and plan a pretty major move, and try not to think too hard about what I may be leaving behind...
I checked the box.
I stuffed the eveloped.
I put it in the mailbox.
So I am officially moving to Virginia, and starting classes at William and Mary School of Law on August 15th.
I don't exactly feel calmer about anything at this point, but at least I didn't try to climb in the mailbox after the letter. Which is something.
Now I just have to sort through all my wordly goods, and plan a pretty major move, and try not to think too hard about what I may be leaving behind...
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Too many question marks
Ugh. My head hurts. This is turning into another crazy week at work, and I still can't bring myself to actually check the "yes" box on the letter of intent for William and Mary. At least I managed to not only check the "No thanks" box but also mail the letter back to Santa Clara. That was something.
Anyway, I'm freaking out about this. Why is this so hard? All I have to do is write a couple of letters about fellowships, check a box, and that's it. Decision made, life progressing, time to plan this move thing. It's the box that I can't seem to get past.
I'm scared. Frightened out of my mind actually. It's sad to admit, but there it is. The check box means I'm leaving everyone and everything I know and turning my back on what could have been a really amazing relationship. And for what? Right now a big scary question mark. How much am I really giving up? And do I really want to know the answer to that?
In the mean time, I'm trying to write statements of qualification for a couple of fellowships. How is one supposed to open one of these things? Clearly, "You should give me money becasue I look good in ruffle-butt pants" is right out (Thank you D, for that example).
Anyway, I'm freaking out about this. Why is this so hard? All I have to do is write a couple of letters about fellowships, check a box, and that's it. Decision made, life progressing, time to plan this move thing. It's the box that I can't seem to get past.
I'm scared. Frightened out of my mind actually. It's sad to admit, but there it is. The check box means I'm leaving everyone and everything I know and turning my back on what could have been a really amazing relationship. And for what? Right now a big scary question mark. How much am I really giving up? And do I really want to know the answer to that?
In the mean time, I'm trying to write statements of qualification for a couple of fellowships. How is one supposed to open one of these things? Clearly, "You should give me money becasue I look good in ruffle-butt pants" is right out (Thank you D, for that example).
Thursday, March 24, 2005
It's alive!
The mac is alive! Sort of. It's had a total lobotomy, but it works, and latter this afternoon I will have most if not all of my data back so I can get on with backing it all up to CD. Hurray! Whatever was wrong with it was causing numerous "overlapped extent allocation" errors. A quick search for this term on the apple support site turned out one, count 'em, one page. With only a cryptic mention of the error and something about corrupt directory systems. Which sounds pretty bad, right? So maybe they might want to go into more details, right? Wrong! Oh well. I found the information I needed, found a nice boy at the help desk at work to salvage what he could, and erased everything and started fresh last night. And it's alive! I just to make sure the iPod stuff is all installed right and find a couple of other upgrades, and I don't have to worry. All I'm using this machine for is playing music and watching videos while commuting, so this should be ok for now.
I'm looking forward to having my brain back. All of my updated Palm files were on the mac, all of my personal email was on the mac, I feel like I'm hobbling along with a bag over my head or something. take, for example, this weekend. I have no idea what I've already committed myself to doing this weekend and am having a hard time coming up with plans. Oh well. It'll work itself out one way or another. I might even end up working! Woo.
Actually, my main goal for the weekend is to decide once and for all where I am going to law school and get the appropriate response letters and deposits in order. Scary. I can do this. It's a big, scary step, but surly I must have the courage to take it, right?
I'm looking forward to having my brain back. All of my updated Palm files were on the mac, all of my personal email was on the mac, I feel like I'm hobbling along with a bag over my head or something. take, for example, this weekend. I have no idea what I've already committed myself to doing this weekend and am having a hard time coming up with plans. Oh well. It'll work itself out one way or another. I might even end up working! Woo.
Actually, my main goal for the weekend is to decide once and for all where I am going to law school and get the appropriate response letters and deposits in order. Scary. I can do this. It's a big, scary step, but surly I must have the courage to take it, right?
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
And behold, there was root...
The FreeBSD install went remarkably well last night. Whatever was preventing the boot disk from ejecting so I could put the install disk in the CD drive on Friday was miraculously resolved (possibly due to some intervention by M. over the weekend), and everything went quite smoothly, for a unix install anyway. I now have root! And user accounts! And hopefully today I can figure out why I can't get the machine to talk to an FTP server. Not having a functional web browser (or email) while trying to set up a new system really sucks. But oh well. As long as I remeber the root password I'm all good.
K. is going to help me fix the POiS iBook sometime soon, so that's a good thing. We love K. I found all of my install disks at home last night, like I really want to install an old version of OSX and then have to make a mess out of the system with multiple upgrades again but whatever. As long as I can keep the stupid thing hobbling along long enough to replace it and then put *inx on it, I'm good. Any suggestions from the peanut gallery on a good flavor of unix or distribution of linux to run on a G3 iBook? I understand there are several that will work well.
My financial aid packages from Albany and from William and Mary have shown up. No word yet from Santa Clara on the FA, and no word from the other 7 schools I applied to about acceptance. So, my options at this point are to 1 - Go to Virgina and embrace a known quantity of debt in exchange for an excellent legal education and fresh start on life 2 - Go to upstate NY, embrace some debt and a large scholarship, and be stuck in upstate New York for at least 7 years or 3 - Go to Santa Clara, embrace an unknown quantity of debt, and spend 3 years battling with Stanford students for jobs. Tricky. For all that leaving the state has become emotionally ddifficult in the last few months, I still think this is probably the best idea. Besides, in Virgina, I still have the fall back butter-churning/ale-wife options.
K. is going to help me fix the POiS iBook sometime soon, so that's a good thing. We love K. I found all of my install disks at home last night, like I really want to install an old version of OSX and then have to make a mess out of the system with multiple upgrades again but whatever. As long as I can keep the stupid thing hobbling along long enough to replace it and then put *inx on it, I'm good. Any suggestions from the peanut gallery on a good flavor of unix or distribution of linux to run on a G3 iBook? I understand there are several that will work well.
My financial aid packages from Albany and from William and Mary have shown up. No word yet from Santa Clara on the FA, and no word from the other 7 schools I applied to about acceptance. So, my options at this point are to 1 - Go to Virgina and embrace a known quantity of debt in exchange for an excellent legal education and fresh start on life 2 - Go to upstate NY, embrace some debt and a large scholarship, and be stuck in upstate New York for at least 7 years or 3 - Go to Santa Clara, embrace an unknown quantity of debt, and spend 3 years battling with Stanford students for jobs. Tricky. For all that leaving the state has become emotionally ddifficult in the last few months, I still think this is probably the best idea. Besides, in Virgina, I still have the fall back butter-churning/ale-wife options.
Monday, March 21, 2005
Rage!!
crap software + crap hardware + PMS = RAGE!!!!
I am too pissed off at the world in general to deal with this. Or write a meaningful post even. My stupid iBook (peice of iShit that it is) has decided to go on strike or something and refuses to boot. After much swearing, fsck'ing, and searching for ideas, my only option at this point is to pray I can salvage some of the data on the hard disk and reimage the damned thing. How lovely. My linux box work has crashed, the network is being burpy, and I am cranky and achy and tired, but I don't get to go home early becasue they have decided to move our proposed launch date up a week. Yes, they are moving a launch UP. WTF? No one moves dates up. That's just insane.
I want to go home and finish trying to install freeBSD on the new server. But this is going to difficult, as the install directions are all saved on the useless POiS iBook. Hopefully I need no more data than what I manage to print out at work. blegh.
I am too pissed off at the world in general to deal with this. Or write a meaningful post even. My stupid iBook (peice of iShit that it is) has decided to go on strike or something and refuses to boot. After much swearing, fsck'ing, and searching for ideas, my only option at this point is to pray I can salvage some of the data on the hard disk and reimage the damned thing. How lovely. My linux box work has crashed, the network is being burpy, and I am cranky and achy and tired, but I don't get to go home early becasue they have decided to move our proposed launch date up a week. Yes, they are moving a launch UP. WTF? No one moves dates up. That's just insane.
I want to go home and finish trying to install freeBSD on the new server. But this is going to difficult, as the install directions are all saved on the useless POiS iBook. Hopefully I need no more data than what I manage to print out at work. blegh.
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Who'd have thought?
Honestly, who else could I have gotten?
You're Bettie Page!
What Classic Pin-Up Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
You're Bettie Page!
What Classic Pin-Up Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Don't Panic...
I am highly amused. Someone has already offered to buy the beautiful perfect Peter Fox boots I won on eBay. For a pair of shoes I now refer to as "My Precious" whilst clutching them to my bosom, I don't think the woman has much of a chance. Hear that world? You'll have to pry my precious boots out of my cold dead hands!!
Ok, enough of the shoe lust. In textile related news, I am finally done with the latest round of stuff for Rainbow. Hurray! One hideous dress project out of the way! I have to make a couple of skirts for the woman to go with the awful top, but what is needed for the immediate term is done and she'll be picking that up tonight. I managed to cut out and assemble the pieces of my 1901 corset over the weekend. Hurray! Well, it's not exactly assembled all the way, it;s still in 2 lining pieces and 2 cover fabric pieces, but that pretty decent progress for a mornings work I think. I could not sleep at all Saturday night, so I ended up getting up at 4:45 AM and sewing all morning. I worked on the Rainbow dresses, finished the curtains for the living room, and got the corset cut out and put together before deciding I really need a cute flippy skirt for the spring, and quickly making one. I need to put it on a waist band, but it's basically done. It's cute. Kind of an a-line wrap skirt with a cute pleated thing in the front where it laps over itself. I'm going to get some matching ribbon and make a bow to go at the waist. Pictures will be forthcoming! I promise!
On the school/personal front, things are not feeling so great. I'm having a hard time finally coming to terms with leaving, but I think this is what I really need to do. Either way, I'm going to have regrets, which is the worst of it. I keep trying to tell myself that everything happens for a reason and has a way of working out for the best in the end, but I'm not doing a very job convincing myself that this is so. I just have to be strong, and trust myself to make the right decisions.
Eck. Being a grown up sucks.
Ok, enough of the shoe lust. In textile related news, I am finally done with the latest round of stuff for Rainbow. Hurray! One hideous dress project out of the way! I have to make a couple of skirts for the woman to go with the awful top, but what is needed for the immediate term is done and she'll be picking that up tonight. I managed to cut out and assemble the pieces of my 1901 corset over the weekend. Hurray! Well, it's not exactly assembled all the way, it;s still in 2 lining pieces and 2 cover fabric pieces, but that pretty decent progress for a mornings work I think. I could not sleep at all Saturday night, so I ended up getting up at 4:45 AM and sewing all morning. I worked on the Rainbow dresses, finished the curtains for the living room, and got the corset cut out and put together before deciding I really need a cute flippy skirt for the spring, and quickly making one. I need to put it on a waist band, but it's basically done. It's cute. Kind of an a-line wrap skirt with a cute pleated thing in the front where it laps over itself. I'm going to get some matching ribbon and make a bow to go at the waist. Pictures will be forthcoming! I promise!
On the school/personal front, things are not feeling so great. I'm having a hard time finally coming to terms with leaving, but I think this is what I really need to do. Either way, I'm going to have regrets, which is the worst of it. I keep trying to tell myself that everything happens for a reason and has a way of working out for the best in the end, but I'm not doing a very job convincing myself that this is so. I just have to be strong, and trust myself to make the right decisions.
Eck. Being a grown up sucks.
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Monday, March 14, 2005
oh my...
Friday night I got home from to work to find a large envelope from from my first choice law school stuck in the mail slot. I treated it rather like an unexploded bomb, before I decided it was probably some financial aid package stuff, and opened it.
I got in. Eep! I got in to the William and Mary School of Law. This is a very good school, top tier, and has one the best Constitutional law program in the country. I've wanted to attend this college since I was in junior high.
Clearly, this is the offer I should accept. It's a big move, it's far away from everything I know, but that's half the point. I've spent my whole life within 10 miles of the Pacific. It's time to open my eyes, experience something different, and take a chance. Being ready to make the decision to leave is a very different thing than actually making the decision though, and I now find myself hesitating.
My focus for the last six months has been on resolving things, cleaning house emotionally, and freeing myself of unnecessary ties. I was doing well with this, but in the last month or so, this has gotten a lot harder. So now what? Do I doom this new thing just as it's starting to get interesting? Or let it be, go, and hope for the best? I was supposed to be freeing myself from heartbreak, not chasing after it. My head and my heart want two different and totally incompatible things. How am I supposed to decide this now? When I have so little time, and so much is as stake?
I got in. Eep! I got in to the William and Mary School of Law. This is a very good school, top tier, and has one the best Constitutional law program in the country. I've wanted to attend this college since I was in junior high.
Clearly, this is the offer I should accept. It's a big move, it's far away from everything I know, but that's half the point. I've spent my whole life within 10 miles of the Pacific. It's time to open my eyes, experience something different, and take a chance. Being ready to make the decision to leave is a very different thing than actually making the decision though, and I now find myself hesitating.
My focus for the last six months has been on resolving things, cleaning house emotionally, and freeing myself of unnecessary ties. I was doing well with this, but in the last month or so, this has gotten a lot harder. So now what? Do I doom this new thing just as it's starting to get interesting? Or let it be, go, and hope for the best? I was supposed to be freeing myself from heartbreak, not chasing after it. My head and my heart want two different and totally incompatible things. How am I supposed to decide this now? When I have so little time, and so much is as stake?
Friday, March 11, 2005
This is not the art you're looking for...
Am I the only one who thinks the new De Young looks like a Jawa transport?
The Boots have landed!
I ordered a pair of Peter Fox boots on eBay and they arrived yesterday! I got such a killer deal! For anyone familiar with these shoes, they are Victorian style lace up boots, have hardly been worn (once for a fashion show), and I paid $100. Yay! They are most similar to this style but have more elaborate tooling and a pointier toe. I'll post pictures soon. Love these boots. They are beautiful, comfortable, perfect sexy boots that I will cherish for a long time to come. I could carry on about the boots and wonderful shoes in general for days, but this article pretty wells summs it up. To quote:
And they will look fantastic with my 1909-ish dress, if I ever get off my duff and make it!
Which brings me to the weekend! Hurray! It's Friday! And I have a whole day and a half to sew sew sew! It should be enough to get the latest Rainbow stuff knocked out, and hopefully at least start looking at making the 1909 dress. I've decided to cannibalize the old teens corset, so I don't have to go spend half the day traipsing over to the East Bay on BART to get a busk. I think I may eventually alter the black and gray silk gown, but I don't know. We'll see how that ends up going.
In non-sewing plans, I'm taking M. on a picnic in Golden Gate Park on Sunday, and am going to try to get up to the the Sutro Baths to watch the sun set. We've have some lovely sunsets this last week, as long as the weather holds it will be beautiful. Saturday, A and S (her new boyfriend! yay!) and I are going to a wine club party in Napa. I'm terribly excited. It's my favorite wine from my favorite winery, and should be a nice event. I wish M. was coming with us, but he's not that in to wine so it's ok.
I'm feeling a whole bunch better today too. It's amazing how fast antibiotics will work. It turns out I felt crappy because I had a UTI, so I looked pathetic and talked to the doctor at work, and she gave me a prescription for cipro. Scary stuff, cipro, but it gets the job done. After one dose my fever was mostly gone. I'm still tired and feel kind of weak, but that's ok. It'll get better.
If you try out a spectacular pair of shoes and show them to a man, you'll likely receive a heavy sigh that means "Now I have to find parking right in front," when what you really want to hear is, "My God, I will die of pride to be seen with you in those magnificent shoes." Try introducing the same pair of shoes to a female friend: She will spot them in a crowded convention centre, which she will fly across to clutch your arm and gasp, each word given its own full stop, "Look.at.those.SHOES!"
And they will look fantastic with my 1909-ish dress, if I ever get off my duff and make it!
Which brings me to the weekend! Hurray! It's Friday! And I have a whole day and a half to sew sew sew! It should be enough to get the latest Rainbow stuff knocked out, and hopefully at least start looking at making the 1909 dress. I've decided to cannibalize the old teens corset, so I don't have to go spend half the day traipsing over to the East Bay on BART to get a busk. I think I may eventually alter the black and gray silk gown, but I don't know. We'll see how that ends up going.
In non-sewing plans, I'm taking M. on a picnic in Golden Gate Park on Sunday, and am going to try to get up to the the Sutro Baths to watch the sun set. We've have some lovely sunsets this last week, as long as the weather holds it will be beautiful. Saturday, A and S (her new boyfriend! yay!) and I are going to a wine club party in Napa. I'm terribly excited. It's my favorite wine from my favorite winery, and should be a nice event. I wish M. was coming with us, but he's not that in to wine so it's ok.
I'm feeling a whole bunch better today too. It's amazing how fast antibiotics will work. It turns out I felt crappy because I had a UTI, so I looked pathetic and talked to the doctor at work, and she gave me a prescription for cipro. Scary stuff, cipro, but it gets the job done. After one dose my fever was mostly gone. I'm still tired and feel kind of weak, but that's ok. It'll get better.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Updates for today
1 - I got rejected from Georgetown. Not too tragic, all things considered. I just really hope that I hear back from a few other places this week so I can make a semi-informed decision about Santa Clara next week.
2 - My order for DSL has been placed! Finally, I am entering the 21st century and leaving 56k modems in the dust, where they belong. This will be a good thing as the house server is supposed to arrive on Sunday (thank you M!), and I can start wiring the house next week. I find this all very exciting. God, I'm such a geek.
3 - I have officially given up on ever getting hired at work. It's a little sad, I really like the people I work with and the work I'm doing (which is saying a lot since I loath doing QA in general), and I think I could really contribute a lot here both in engineering and in legal eventually. Oh well. It'll be easier to focus on school if that's all I'm worried about I suppose. This is only the 2nd job I've had that I will be really sad to leave.
Overall, I don't really feel very well physically for some reason and I'm alternating between quietly sad and a sort of snuggly happy. Tonight I need to get some stuff sorted out in the basement, and figure out what all I need to take with me to work in the morning. At least I'll be able to sleep in some Friday morning. Hurray! It's a wonderful thing. One day a week of not getting up at 6 am is such a lovely thing. I really think I do ok with less sleep as long as I don't have to get up so damn early. I'm just not a morning person.
2 - My order for DSL has been placed! Finally, I am entering the 21st century and leaving 56k modems in the dust, where they belong. This will be a good thing as the house server is supposed to arrive on Sunday (thank you M!), and I can start wiring the house next week. I find this all very exciting. God, I'm such a geek.
3 - I have officially given up on ever getting hired at work. It's a little sad, I really like the people I work with and the work I'm doing (which is saying a lot since I loath doing QA in general), and I think I could really contribute a lot here both in engineering and in legal eventually. Oh well. It'll be easier to focus on school if that's all I'm worried about I suppose. This is only the 2nd job I've had that I will be really sad to leave.
Overall, I don't really feel very well physically for some reason and I'm alternating between quietly sad and a sort of snuggly happy. Tonight I need to get some stuff sorted out in the basement, and figure out what all I need to take with me to work in the morning. At least I'll be able to sleep in some Friday morning. Hurray! It's a wonderful thing. One day a week of not getting up at 6 am is such a lovely thing. I really think I do ok with less sleep as long as I don't have to get up so damn early. I'm just not a morning person.
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Perchance to dream...
My commute officially sucks. Even watching the Dr. Jackson show (SG-1 for the rest of you), I can't seem to stay awake on the bus or once I get home. I passed out last night sitting on the futon talking to A. and watching Dr. Jackson while we were discussing the finer points of negligee selection. How truly pathetic. I mean, really, I should be able to stay awake latter than 9:15 on a Monday.
I don't seem to remember getting this exhausted when I was carpooling. I can't think why that would be, I got up at the same time in the morning, and didn't get home that much earlier. I did have time to eat breakfast and maybe make coffee though, which is something. Having a more leisurely morning makes a difference. As it is, I usually hit snooze one too many times, have to rush through getting dressed and ready, and then run out the door with an apple in my mouth like a suckling pig, if I'm lucky. By the time I've made it to the bus I'm all sleepy again.
It occurred to me this morning that my coffee machine has an auto-on timer. Why do I never use this wonderful and convenient feature? Probably for the same reason that I have yet to pry the porn out of the VCR.
I've also decided that I really need a new laptop. The sad little G3 iBook is totally inadequate to the task of running more than 2 applications at once, watching movies, burning CD's, or really doing anything at all other checking email, maybe some lite web surfing, and holding down papers. Editing pictures is a joke, and trying to watch the Dr. Jackson show gets kind of painful whenever the action is too fast and the audio track gets out of sync with the video. Ok, I knew Herodotus's days were numbered (Herodotus being the iBook, and also the Greek historian) way back in October when I was finally got around to upgrading the OS, but this is getting silly. It needs the following:
More RAM. Lots more RAM
A DVD/CD RW
A larger hard drive (that 15 gigs is pathetic is scary, my first computer had a 256MB hard drive, I have that much RAM now, and that's not even close to enough, and this makes me feel old)
Better/faster graphics processor
An Airport card
Another OS upgrade I now have to pay for
USB 2 (which I can't fix, but hey! There are 2 useless old USB 1.1 ports! I should be glad)
So I think, once all this gets tracked down on eBay and various other places, I might as well just buy a new machine with all that extra cash I have lying around (heavy sarcasm here). I want a PowerBook. In fact, I want this PowerBook but with more RAM and the SuperDrive.
Hacking together some kind of system that will work for most things is very geeky and will just have to do for now. There are enough people with old hardware lying around that I should be able to get something reasonable put together to solve at least some of my storage problems, but I doubt there is much to be done about the Airport card or crap graphics. The real question is how much money I should sink into getting more RAM for a machine I intend to replace within the next 6 months.
No more news from any of the law schools...or from work. Eck. So far, I've pretty much decided to go with Santa Clara. Of the available options it will probably cost more out of pocket but the school is better so I'll be able to repay those loans faster.
I don't seem to remember getting this exhausted when I was carpooling. I can't think why that would be, I got up at the same time in the morning, and didn't get home that much earlier. I did have time to eat breakfast and maybe make coffee though, which is something. Having a more leisurely morning makes a difference. As it is, I usually hit snooze one too many times, have to rush through getting dressed and ready, and then run out the door with an apple in my mouth like a suckling pig, if I'm lucky. By the time I've made it to the bus I'm all sleepy again.
It occurred to me this morning that my coffee machine has an auto-on timer. Why do I never use this wonderful and convenient feature? Probably for the same reason that I have yet to pry the porn out of the VCR.
I've also decided that I really need a new laptop. The sad little G3 iBook is totally inadequate to the task of running more than 2 applications at once, watching movies, burning CD's, or really doing anything at all other checking email, maybe some lite web surfing, and holding down papers. Editing pictures is a joke, and trying to watch the Dr. Jackson show gets kind of painful whenever the action is too fast and the audio track gets out of sync with the video. Ok, I knew Herodotus's days were numbered (Herodotus being the iBook, and also the Greek historian) way back in October when I was finally got around to upgrading the OS, but this is getting silly. It needs the following:
More RAM. Lots more RAM
A DVD/CD RW
A larger hard drive (that 15 gigs is pathetic is scary, my first computer had a 256MB hard drive, I have that much RAM now, and that's not even close to enough, and this makes me feel old)
Better/faster graphics processor
An Airport card
Another OS upgrade I now have to pay for
USB 2 (which I can't fix, but hey! There are 2 useless old USB 1.1 ports! I should be glad)
So I think, once all this gets tracked down on eBay and various other places, I might as well just buy a new machine with all that extra cash I have lying around (heavy sarcasm here). I want a PowerBook. In fact, I want this PowerBook but with more RAM and the SuperDrive.
Hacking together some kind of system that will work for most things is very geeky and will just have to do for now. There are enough people with old hardware lying around that I should be able to get something reasonable put together to solve at least some of my storage problems, but I doubt there is much to be done about the Airport card or crap graphics. The real question is how much money I should sink into getting more RAM for a machine I intend to replace within the next 6 months.
No more news from any of the law schools...or from work. Eck. So far, I've pretty much decided to go with Santa Clara. Of the available options it will probably cost more out of pocket but the school is better so I'll be able to repay those loans faster.
Monday, March 07, 2005
Whoosh!
Yay! I went skiing! M took me skiing with one of the guys from my team at work and his friend on Saturday. What fun! They all are actually very good skiers/snow boarders. I suck, so mostly I spent the day on the blue and some green hills, trying not to get killed by out of control snowboarders, while the boys (heh) were off jumping off of things on the harder runs. In spite of losing a ski getting on the lift, falling off the lift, getting run over by several snowboarders, and getting run into a tree, I had a blast. The guy from work broke his foot jumping over a mogul so all things considered I did very well.
Snow is good. I had forgotten how much I enjoy going whoosh down the side of a mountain (ok, a hill, if that, given how well I ski) and just being up in the mountains. I'm not really good enough to have "good days" or "off days" at this point but I think if I manage to actually go more often next year I'll be in pretty good shape. I just need to get over the fear of breaking myself.
Sunday was quite nice. I went home for a few hours to sew, be at home with my cat in daylight, and get some laundry done. I did mange to get the latest hideous Rainbow thing cut out, so that's something. I should be able to get some work done this week, I don't have quite so many after-school activities planned, except for sewing and financial aid package type stuff. M and I are supposed to go take an Argentine tango lesson on Thursday, which should be fun, but that is the only concrete plan I have this week. Yay!
Anyhow, J, one of mt friends from the GBACG, come over to sew on Sunday. Her husband was coming back from Iraq last night, so she was pretty excited and nervous and needed some distraction. We both got our latest projects cut out, and had a nice time with the nervous chatter and planning outfits for the eveaning. Why I was so nervous I really don't understand. I cooked dinner for M at his place, it's not like he hasn't eaten my cooking before, but for some reason I was terribly nervous about it. As it turns out, I had no need to be. Everything came out quite well, even if I did slightly over-salt the spinach (which wasn't entirely my fault, I was using a new seasoned salt blend I'd never tried before and it turned out to be more salty that I had expected).
I actually feel pretty good this morning, fairly relaxed and rested, and ready to face the week. Not getting up at 6 AM really helps. Also talking to my landlord about the whole stuck with extra rent again problem was really a big relief. He's a wonderful man, and gave us a nice break on the part the we got stiffed on, so I'm feeling much better about that. Plus we might have found someone to take the extra room for at least a few months. Which would be a brilliant thing. Getting someone in there to cover things while we look for a more permanent solution is a brilliant thing.
Snow is good. I had forgotten how much I enjoy going whoosh down the side of a mountain (ok, a hill, if that, given how well I ski) and just being up in the mountains. I'm not really good enough to have "good days" or "off days" at this point but I think if I manage to actually go more often next year I'll be in pretty good shape. I just need to get over the fear of breaking myself.
Sunday was quite nice. I went home for a few hours to sew, be at home with my cat in daylight, and get some laundry done. I did mange to get the latest hideous Rainbow thing cut out, so that's something. I should be able to get some work done this week, I don't have quite so many after-school activities planned, except for sewing and financial aid package type stuff. M and I are supposed to go take an Argentine tango lesson on Thursday, which should be fun, but that is the only concrete plan I have this week. Yay!
Anyhow, J, one of mt friends from the GBACG, come over to sew on Sunday. Her husband was coming back from Iraq last night, so she was pretty excited and nervous and needed some distraction. We both got our latest projects cut out, and had a nice time with the nervous chatter and planning outfits for the eveaning. Why I was so nervous I really don't understand. I cooked dinner for M at his place, it's not like he hasn't eaten my cooking before, but for some reason I was terribly nervous about it. As it turns out, I had no need to be. Everything came out quite well, even if I did slightly over-salt the spinach (which wasn't entirely my fault, I was using a new seasoned salt blend I'd never tried before and it turned out to be more salty that I had expected).
I actually feel pretty good this morning, fairly relaxed and rested, and ready to face the week. Not getting up at 6 AM really helps. Also talking to my landlord about the whole stuck with extra rent again problem was really a big relief. He's a wonderful man, and gave us a nice break on the part the we got stiffed on, so I'm feeling much better about that. Plus we might have found someone to take the extra room for at least a few months. Which would be a brilliant thing. Getting someone in there to cover things while we look for a more permanent solution is a brilliant thing.
Friday, March 04, 2005
Oh sweet lord!!!
In 18 months and 2 days I will be 30. This is tragic and awful. My mother is picking out flowers and centerpieces for my wedding, I'm turning 30 in 18 months and 2 days, and I feel like milk in the dairy case that is approaching it's expiration day. Will I suddenly go rancid on that awful, black day? Is that what she's worried about? "Never mind the groom honey, lets just get these centerpieces figured out!" I feel like I'm about to be auctioned off to some hypothetical husband. Does she know something I don't know? It's very bizarre.
You would think that having my brothers wedding to work on would have distracted her from me and my looming induction into the old-maid/rancid milk club. But no. Why plan just one wedding when you can do the work for two at once! I wonder if she has the dress picked out too? Why can't she just focus on finding me a nice doctor or something like other mothers do, instead of picking out floral arrangements? I know you have to order orchids 50 years in advance, but I don't even want orchids!
Besides, it seems somehow wrong to get married after my baby brother. Or at lest to have a big over-done meringue of a wedding with 6 foot floral centerpieces. Me and my silly Victorian novels again, but still.
The weekend looms, my official un-birthday is on Sunday, and I think I'm cooking dinner for M. Which should be fun. Since my actual birthday is usually over labor day weekend, and hardly anyone comes to my birthday party (what's up with that? you people show up in droves to other parties, what's the matter with my birthday?), doing something nice on my un-birthday is always a good thing. Not that M knows or cares that it's my un-birthday and that I therefore get to wear a silly party hat and eat cake and turn into the Mad Hatter, but it's still nice.
Ugh. 18 months. And 2 days. What a tragic thing to have thought about this morning.
You would think that having my brothers wedding to work on would have distracted her from me and my looming induction into the old-maid/rancid milk club. But no. Why plan just one wedding when you can do the work for two at once! I wonder if she has the dress picked out too? Why can't she just focus on finding me a nice doctor or something like other mothers do, instead of picking out floral arrangements? I know you have to order orchids 50 years in advance, but I don't even want orchids!
Besides, it seems somehow wrong to get married after my baby brother. Or at lest to have a big over-done meringue of a wedding with 6 foot floral centerpieces. Me and my silly Victorian novels again, but still.
The weekend looms, my official un-birthday is on Sunday, and I think I'm cooking dinner for M. Which should be fun. Since my actual birthday is usually over labor day weekend, and hardly anyone comes to my birthday party (what's up with that? you people show up in droves to other parties, what's the matter with my birthday?), doing something nice on my un-birthday is always a good thing. Not that M knows or cares that it's my un-birthday and that I therefore get to wear a silly party hat and eat cake and turn into the Mad Hatter, but it's still nice.
Ugh. 18 months. And 2 days. What a tragic thing to have thought about this morning.
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Flambed
Weird head space today...and I can't really figure out what has triggered it. Last night and this morning were lovely, I stayed at M.'s and didn't have to commute all the way back up to the city, so I actually got a half-way decent amount of sleep for a change.
I'm just feeling rather overwhelmed by all these decisions I have to make and the conflicting time lines I have to make them in. Where to go to school isn't so bad, but the questions around work, time lines, and now a certain level of emotional complication make it a bit overwhelming. I think part of my problem is that I am really afraid to trust myself to trust/care about M. I want to, but I'm afraid, partly because I've been burned pretty badly (and rather recently), and partly because I know I have an expiration date. How can I really deal with my own feelings honestly when I know my time is running out? Really, it has run out. I have to make a decision towards the end of the month. What chance does that the possibility of an "us" with?
E. says I need to chill out, slow myself down, and not worry about him or us, and focus on what I need to do. She's right, of course. "Crush Flambes," as she put it, are fine and ok and worrying about forever can and should wait.
I'm also feeling all rejected about work at the moment. I can't get any kind of straight answers about the possibility of getting hired full time, and moving on with my life just makes it look like I'm not interested, but I don't honestly know what else to do. If they can't commit to me, why should I sit around committing to them while the rest of my life passes me by (and why does this sound so familiar, but so out of context? gee.)?
Anyway, it looks like I should finally have a weekend to focus on sewing. No luck on the skiing, or any other real plans to go anywhere, so I'm going to get some work done and knock this last commission out so I can get on with my own work without feeling guilty. Between sewing stints, I need to photograph and measure some costumes I'm planning on selling, and sort through some other stuff to see if I have anything stashed in the basement worth putting on eBay. Might as well work on lightening my material load while I try to scrounge up extra rent/tax money.
I'm just feeling rather overwhelmed by all these decisions I have to make and the conflicting time lines I have to make them in. Where to go to school isn't so bad, but the questions around work, time lines, and now a certain level of emotional complication make it a bit overwhelming. I think part of my problem is that I am really afraid to trust myself to trust/care about M. I want to, but I'm afraid, partly because I've been burned pretty badly (and rather recently), and partly because I know I have an expiration date. How can I really deal with my own feelings honestly when I know my time is running out? Really, it has run out. I have to make a decision towards the end of the month. What chance does that the possibility of an "us" with?
E. says I need to chill out, slow myself down, and not worry about him or us, and focus on what I need to do. She's right, of course. "Crush Flambes," as she put it, are fine and ok and worrying about forever can and should wait.
I'm also feeling all rejected about work at the moment. I can't get any kind of straight answers about the possibility of getting hired full time, and moving on with my life just makes it look like I'm not interested, but I don't honestly know what else to do. If they can't commit to me, why should I sit around committing to them while the rest of my life passes me by (and why does this sound so familiar, but so out of context? gee.)?
Anyway, it looks like I should finally have a weekend to focus on sewing. No luck on the skiing, or any other real plans to go anywhere, so I'm going to get some work done and knock this last commission out so I can get on with my own work without feeling guilty. Between sewing stints, I need to photograph and measure some costumes I'm planning on selling, and sort through some other stuff to see if I have anything stashed in the basement worth putting on eBay. Might as well work on lightening my material load while I try to scrounge up extra rent/tax money.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Feeble sleepy happy dance
The evil house mate is gone, the locks have been changed, his mountain of shit has been cleared away, and the floors have been scrubbed. We're going to get screwed on the rent and utilities this month, but somehow that's not so bed. Stressful, scary, and just not fun, but not so bad. The house simply *feels* better without that huge ugly stinky wad of negativity sulking in the back room. Hurray! Now I just need to find something to sell so we can make up the extra rent...
In other fantastic news, I got another acceptance letter. This time from Albany School of Law, and it came with a $20,000 a year scholarship! Woo! I really need to do my FAFSA stuff this week so I can get all of that business moving along in the right direction. I've now been accepted into both my safety schools, and only rejected from one school, so I'm feeling pretty good about this. I actually have options! And decisions to make!
Sadly, I owe an absurd amount of money on my taxes this year. WTF? I was unemployed and didn't even get to collect unemployment for 4 months. How can I owe them this much money? Not having any real deductions kind of sucks but oh well. Not much I can do about it now. Next year should be better and at least I'm working so I can figure something out. A huge tax bill plus extra rent for 2 months is just lame though. No more shopping for me for awhile.
It funny, even facing another poverty-stricken month (well, several of them but whatever), I feel so much lighter knowing that the toxic ass is out of my house and that I have someplace to be come the fall. In fact, I have several places to chose from, and that is a wonderful thing. Things in the rest of my life are shaping up to make the decision a little harder than it might have been, but it's all for the good. I may not know where I'm going yet, but at least I know that I'm going someplace.
Pictures from the Gaskell have been posted.
In other fantastic news, I got another acceptance letter. This time from Albany School of Law, and it came with a $20,000 a year scholarship! Woo! I really need to do my FAFSA stuff this week so I can get all of that business moving along in the right direction. I've now been accepted into both my safety schools, and only rejected from one school, so I'm feeling pretty good about this. I actually have options! And decisions to make!
Sadly, I owe an absurd amount of money on my taxes this year. WTF? I was unemployed and didn't even get to collect unemployment for 4 months. How can I owe them this much money? Not having any real deductions kind of sucks but oh well. Not much I can do about it now. Next year should be better and at least I'm working so I can figure something out. A huge tax bill plus extra rent for 2 months is just lame though. No more shopping for me for awhile.
It funny, even facing another poverty-stricken month (well, several of them but whatever), I feel so much lighter knowing that the toxic ass is out of my house and that I have someplace to be come the fall. In fact, I have several places to chose from, and that is a wonderful thing. Things in the rest of my life are shaping up to make the decision a little harder than it might have been, but it's all for the good. I may not know where I'm going yet, but at least I know that I'm going someplace.
Pictures from the Gaskell have been posted.
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