Year 2, Day 1

Ok so I haven't actually been to class yet, but I have been on campus with other students long enough now to feel like none of us ever left. Weird. Except that I don't have 150 pages of reading to catch up on, it's the same as last year. Well, that and everyone I know is not in the exact same set of classes, but still.

So far, so good I guess. I did the reading for my first class (First Amendment), which is this afternoon, and per usual, understood almost none of it. I gave up when the book started trying to define the word "the." Ugh. With any luck, I will be spared getting called on this first week, that should be long enough for me to figure out what in the hell the professor wants us to be getting out of the reading.

I already have one job interview lined up for summer work next year too. This makes me very happy, especially since I am on the wrong side of the curve. At least I know a few firms are looking at more than my grades, that's encouraging. The firms in Maine, but it sounds like a really good work environment so a move might not be so bad. We'll see, at least it's an interview.

Last night I did my first kendo belt test, and got promoted! Yay me! It was a pretty intense workout, but not nearly as scary as my aikido test. Of course, it helped that I wasn't coming off a Con Law exam, and had some idea of what to expect from a belt test. In some ways, I think the actual test is more about pushing past your limits and working through physical exhaustion. I certainly did that, I managed to push myself to the next level and it's nice to have some recognition for having done that.

Overall, this is a pretty good way to start the year off. I have an interview, so I have hope for my career. I have a new belt, so I know I can push through anything and win the battle in the end. The strength is there, I just need to stay focused on the feeling I have right now, and that I had last night, and I'll be fine.

Oh! And I got my apartment in Newport News! Hurray! My parents have to co-sign the lease, which is sad seeing as I'm almost 30, but understandable since I'm living off student loans and appear to have no income of any kind. If all goes as planned, I'll be moving at the end of next month.

I hate waiting

Today, we are waiting for the mechanic to call and let me know when my poor little Accord will be better. The check engine light flipped on last week, and it turns out that both O2 sensors are shot, and need to be replaced. I'm not looking forward to having to pay for this, but oh well. The mechanic seemed to think it'd be somewhere around $450. Ouch. At least I get my loan refund checks this week, that's something. With any luck, he'll get the parts today and I take Toto home tonight and not be carless for another day but we'll see.

I'm also waiting to find out for sure if my apartment application got approved at the complex I'm trying to move in to. I'm hoping they are just being slow about it because my move in date is not till the end of September, but I am paranoid. And really, I faxed over all my financial paperwork on Friday, so that's Wednesday it really no big deal I guess. But still.

Not a whole lot is going on with fiber just now. I've been spinning away at 8 ounces of CVM I had in my stash. It's got a lot of noils in it, which I find vaguely annoying, but I think it will make a nice lightly felted something, should have a interesting tweedy effect once it's done and plyed. I'm almost done with the backgammon board. I pretty much memorized the short row pattern so it's going pretty fast, perfect for the little chunks of time I have to knit, before passing out.

Aside from car problems, residential uncertainty, and not much else, classes start on Monday and I am very sad to say I do not get any sort of time off. I'm pissed. I have to work Friday all day at both jobs, then do stupid tours, and I have to work again on Sunday before going to Kendo and doing my best to survive a belt test. Ugh. I suspect the belt test won't be so bad as my aikido test was, especially since I won't be coming off a Con Law exam, but still. It's just more stick and there's no carrot in sight. I really need something to look forward to in the way of a pleasant and relaxing evening at least.

Thought for the day

"All the privilege I claim for my own sex (it is not a very enviable one, you need not covet it), is that of loving longest, when existence or when hope is gone."

- Jane Austen (Persuasion)

The Tower and The Star (and also a sheep)

I've been out here in Virginia for over a year. In a few weeks, I will be 30. Needless to say, I've been doing a lot of thinking and evaluating of my life so far. Right now, it seems as though it all happened to someone else and I was just watching it all. Nothing seems quite real, and I do not know what is a dream and what is real. I am sick in body and soul, but this is all there is and I must carry on tyring to make the best of it.

Before I left, I had a tarot reading. That reading has stayed with me this last year, and has proved to eerily prophetic. The cards said I would find a place here, that someone would be waiting for me here, but that I would suffer (The Tower figured large) and that I would be alone and isolated. It's strange how card after card from that reading has come in to my life over the last year. Nothing has gone as I had hoped, half of what I touch turns to dust, and I find myself being in some critical way incompatible with much of my life, or at the very least removed from it. But The Star was there too, there is a light at the end of this. Between where I stand today and that small light, there are many obstructions, but I have to hold on to the hope it represents, and I have to trust that I will see it again soon.

For now, classes start again on the 21st, I am looking to move into a smaller but nicer place further away from campus, and I am trying to cling to what hope and what light I can. And I am trying to be content with what I have and find stillness again.

There's been enough stick, I am ready for a little of that carrot now, please.

The Rockstar Sweater is totally done and made it back to California, where it was very well received. The final sweater looked very sad and lumpy until I got it blocked and tired it on (sorry E, how I could I resist?) when it turned into a very nice, shapely and lovely little thing I am almost inspired to knit for myself. Almost. Maybe. If I do it in the round.

Right now, I am working on a backgammon board from KnitWhits, which is turning out to be a lot of fun to knit. This will be my brothers Christmas gift I think. I'm going to try to (finally) finish the Orenburg shawl I started from my SIL last year in time for that to be her Christmas gift, leaving me with just a pair of socks to knit for dad and a couple of washcloths until I am done with holiday knitting. Yay for that! And double yay for being close to having time to knit myself a cozy new sweater from the latest IK for fall!

And she knits!

The Rockstar sweater is finally almost done! Hurray! I just have to do the sleeve cap, then sew the whole thing together, and its finished and can get sent off to it's owner. I'm very glad to have this project almost done. It's taken forever. Or at least it feels like it has. The design is nice, but the pattern is kind of hard to follow. Once I got the hang of the lace, which took the whole back, a front section, and most of the second front section, it went faster but I still have to look at the chart to keep track of where I am.

I'm starting to plan out my next projects. I have a few UFO's I want to get knocked out, a couple more holiday gifts to do, then I am going to make at least one of the sweaters from the fall issue of IK. There are at least a half dozen sweaters in the issue I want. Good job IK! This is easily my favorite issue in recent memory. For some reason, they just seem to be getting better. I'm finding more things I want to make in each issue.

School starts in just 3 weeks, so I am trying to get as much knitting and goofing off in as I can. Not having a lot of luck with the goofing off part, working 2 jobs will do that, but I'm thinking about taking a day and heading down to the Outerbanks for a brewery tour or something sometime before school starts up. We'll see if that ends up working out.

Must stop thinking

Thinking never did anyone any good.

But first, knitting updates. I have finally finished the KnitWhits socks for the shop owner sample. This too far too long, but the pattern turned out to be much more difficult than I thought. 3 color fair-isle is tricky, I kept getting all tangled up. Plus I made a few mistakes, totally my own fault for knitting when sleepy, but it slowed me up. The end result was good though, sadly I mailed them off before taking pictures. Oh well. You can see what they looked like here.

I was feeling like utter crap yesterday so I took the day off and rested and knitted and did stuff around the house. And I thought. A lot. Which was a bad plan.

I realized a couple of things. First, no one has ever told me they needed me. No one. Ever. That was pretty depressing.

Second, it is pointless to figure out what one wants if attaining those things is dependant on the decision making process of other people. Why waste time deciding what jobs I want if my ability to actually get said job is in someone else's hands? Why let myself long for companionship if that companionship is ultimately up to the decision making of another person?

I am not ok with being alone. But what other choice do I really have?

Stunned

He left. It seemed to be a kind of a mutual leaving, I needed more than he could give. Things like for him to pick up the phone when I called, return my messages, come to my house once in awhile. Small things like that. I needed to not be making all the effort for the both of us.

I think the thing I fear the most is being alone, that there is no one out there for me, no one who will love me back, no one who will think I am worth even some small amount of effort. I am all alone again, and I am very afraid.

Other than that one thing, things seem to be mostly ok. My weight-in this morning was a good one, my kendo work out last night was grueling but I think I did ok, and I survived the weekend working. With any luck, my next actual day off will be next Sunday. That's 15 days in a row working, not something I am happy about or coping well with but what can you do?

My two paid knitting projects are finally picking up some steam. I got the little bit of yarn I needed to finish the socks, and should be able to power through the last bit of that project tonight. I think I finally have got the hang of the lace for the Rockstar cardigan, so that's starting to go faster too. I have finished the back and one of the front sections. Sleeves tend to go fast for me for whatever reason so that should be done soon, and then I can start thinking about projects for myself. Hurray! And also Christmas presents.

I just wish I wasn't so awfully alone...

Updates

Well, I have finally finished my ghost tour training. Hurray! Of course, it seems that I do not speak English, because my boss keeps scheduling me for days I have told him I cannot work. Is it too much to ask for one weekend day off? Really, working 15 days in a row (at best) is not good for me. Call me lazy, but I just can't do it. I also can't get from a kendo class in Norfolk which wraps up around 6:30 to my job in Williamsburg by 6:30. Teleportation does not work out well for me, it's about an hour drive, besides which I can barely walk after kendo half the time, and no one wants to smell me at that stage anyway.

Aside from being the Cassandra at all my various jobs and the accompanying stress and irritation, things are going ok. I'd like more days off, and a vacation, and to sleep in, and stuff like that, but in a way things seem to have settled down into something more or less predictable and I'm managing to relax just a little bit. It feels like some things are taking longer than they should, but it being the summer in the south, I hardly care. You just have to slow down, otherwise you'll die.

I haven't got much to say about the knitting, I'm plugging away on the various projects and getting slightly annoyed with the pattern for the Rockstar cardigan. The charts do actually work, but figuring out where to start them at various points in the instructions is painful at best, and nearly impossible if you are not a more advanced knitter. Add that to the fact that they are nearly impossible to read (red paper, stupid non-standard symbols) and the whole things is rather purgatorial at times. At least it looks good so far, I think E. will be happy with it.

I've got myself back on the WW wagon, this time doing it online since I still can't stand the meetings at my local center. So far, so good. I'm making decent, more or less steady progress and I am feeling a lot better which is really the main point. I've even inspired the LYM to make some dietary changes, which is all for the good in the long run (but trying to convince him that I did not go on a "diet" because I thought he needed to go one is a little difficult). I'm having to deal with other people's reactions to me in a different way this time, and I think part of the difference is that I don't have much weight to lose so some of them can't quite get their head around my motivation to do this in the first place. I didn't have so many people around me who took my weight loss efforts personally before. Mostly it's people at work, one of them gets really defensive about it if I ask for dressing on the side or request that we have lunch someplace that serves salad. Clearly, this woman has unresolved weight and food issues, but I feel sort of bad that I'm bringing it to the surface for her. But then part of me doesn't care, and thinks that if I can inspire to her make one change for the better that's actually a good thing.

Queen of the Klutz People

I fell down the stairs. On my ass. On Monday. I'm ok, I didn't go through the large window at the bottom of the stairs, but I have a huge bruise on my ass and I hurt in very odd ways.

Aside from that and about a hundred bug bites, it was an ok weekend. I've been trying to get caught up with the knitting projects. Here is the current list:

1. KnitWhits sock kit for a shop owner
2. Rockstar cardigan for A.
3. Pink Frosting pull over from Interweave Crochet
4. Reproduction 18th cen. sampler

Ok, the sampler is embroidery, not knitting, but it is needlework. It's going to be a Christmas gift for my impossible to impress or please grandmother. The stitches are very small, which makes it a little tricky to work on in the eavenings. I think I need a task light or something in my living room.

It's official

I am now officially a Southerner. Scary. At least that means I get to pay less tuition next semester, so yay for that! Fewer loans is a good thing.

Of course, the flip side to this is that now I think I have some kind of legal obligation to consume mass amounts of pork. Dissected pork at that. I'm sorry, but eating meat I have to rehydrate before it is safe to ingest is just not going to work for me.

Anyway, things are going. I have to yet to draft my TNNA report, I've been fairly buried by my various jobs and exhaustion and a fair amount of self-doubt and emotional turmoil. Hopefully I'm starting to feel a little better. I've found a couple of professors at school who I feel comfortable talking to and who seem willing to offer career and life advice, one in particular who always makes me feel like I'm not hopeless and am doing the right thing. So that's something. The LYM is still lovely, though I don't get to see as much of him as I'd like right now. We've got to work on that, but between our work schedules and everything it's rough right now. I never thought I would say it but I'll have more free time, even with a job, once the school year starts so that should make things easier.

I'll write more later and hopefully post pictures of some knitting, now that I have new digital camera (thanks to my daddy and his employer).

So cranky!

Ok...so I am back from TNNA and will be writing up some kind of report soon. For now, I am totally overwhelmed by crap and am seriously stressed out. Working 2 jobs all summer is likely to kill me, but such is life. I had hoped things would get easier, or at least less stressful and demoralizing, this summer but that seems not to be. Oh well.

The research project I am currently working has a very tight deadline, and I do not have the necessary background knowledge to do it well, so I am kind of freaking out. Oh well. I am learning things, and it is interesting, I just wish that I had more time to deal with it. I wish I'd been able to work on it over the weekend, but that just didn't work out while at TNNA. They seem to be in a hurry to get my training going at CW too, so I've been trying to juggle that this week as well as this project, and I am tired and not doing a good job at either thing.

None of this is helped by the state of affairs on campus. The library is a mess (they are moving into a new, temporary building), so there is no where quiet to work. Nice. This morning I am stuck in the student lounge, where people are yapping and being annoying, because the office I should be in is locked. Nice.

Enough cranky bitching, I must get back this damned memo so I can get out of here for my CW training I am not prepared for this afternoon, and can then present the memo to the professor it's being prepared for.

And all I have to look forward to this weekend is more work, more stress, and kendo. Nice.

No other life

Well, I got the CW job. I will soon be leading tourists around telling them ghost stories several times a week. Not in a costume. The no costume part still makes me sad, but I'm getting more excited about the job in general. It should be fun, and it will be a good break from the studying once classes start up again.

Still working away on the Rockstar Sweater and the never-ending angora/silk/merino blend on the wheel. I think I've finally found the logic and rhythm of the lace pattern in the sweater, it's starting to go faster, which is a good thing. I've got about 12 inches of the roving left hanging off the wheel, and it seems to not ever want to end. I'm getting sick of spinning this stuff, I want to ply and get on to the next thing, which will either be some CVM or an alpaca and bluefaced leicester blend from the stash.

What with not having classes and homework and my few school friends being gone for the summer, there hasn't been much to do. Not that there was ever much to do, but I seem to spending far more time alone, in my own head, than is strictly good for me. I'm lonely here, and I don't understand life here. I feel totally out of place and somehow separated from everything, and it's wearing on me. Maybe getting out of town for TNNA this weekend will help, I hope it does anyway.

Why?!

Why oh why did I wake up at 3:30 AM? Why? The damned birds outside my window who wake me up every morning weren't even up. I hate those birds. They chirp all loud starting at about 5 in the morning, and wake me up. Not today though. 3:30 AM, still dark, and wide awake. Very sad.

The good news is that I think I got the job at CW. I have one more interview, with the potential boss's boss, which sounds like more of a formality than a real interview, so I think it's in the bag. Hurray! Knowing I'll have some income during the next year is a very nice thing.

Other that, nothing much to report. I'm dealing with kendo blisters, adjusting to the awful swamp weather, and looking forward to leaving work early so I can take myself to a much needed reward lunch and go home for a nap. The rest of my grades finally came in, and I am not exactly happy, but I suppose it could be worse. I'm not in great shape for the fall interview season though, and there's a huge amount riding on my grades next semester. This is a bad thing. I have never responded well to that kind of performance pressure. We'll see though, my professor for the summer seems to have some ideas for career goals that are attainable, even with my GPA being as lack-luster as it is, so there's some hope.

An eerie calm

After all the chaos and craziness of the last few months, things seem to settling down into an uncertain sort of calm. I don't quite trust it yet, but nothing terrible has happened since I got the whole poverty thing figured out, and the quiet, peaceful moments are coming closer together and lasting longer than they have in a long time.

Of course, now I am bored. Without 782 things to get done and worry about, I don't quite know what to do with myself. That's resulted in a fair amount of domestic productivity. I sewed a dress and a skirt over the weekend, baked cookies, did some knitting on the Rockstar Cardigan, laundry, and of course Kendo. Plus dinner and a movie with the LYM and some house work, interview suit shopping and lunch with H. Maybe I am less bored and more lonely. Having a quiet moment or evening is great and all, but I think I'm getting to the point where I'd rather share it with someone. Even if we're both doing our own quiet thing, doing it with someone else in the room feels better for some reason.

I had a pretty good interview at CW for a tour guide job, which, sadly, would not involve the wearing of costumes, but might be fun anyway. I met with the guy on Friday, and had to go back Monday for an audition sort of thing, which I think went ok. We'll see. He should call back in the next day or two.

Oh hallelujah!

My boss saved me! And saved me in a far more comfortable manner than I expected. I do not actually have to work 70 hour weeks all summer if I don't want to. That being said, I got a call back from CW about a tour guide job, which would fit perfectly in to my summer and fall schedule, and would pay enough to make life quite comfortable, at least by my current standards, for the next academic year. I interview this afternoon.

I got a new used car, the donation people finally called me back about the old car (after more than 2 weeks, what gives with that?), so I will soon have my plates back, work is going ok, my Contracts grade was tons better than my Con Law grade, so the bad grade can easily be chalked up to the broke car/broken CD-RW/broken SIL situation and not to my ineptitude as a lawyer, and I am starting to get some ideas about what I want to do when I get out of school. So yay!

Life is gonna be ok. It's been a hellish year, and sometimes it's felt like everything I've touched has turned to ash, but I've got this far and there's no use in turning back now. I can breath again, I can eat and pay rent and put gas in the car, giving me the spare cycles to focus on me and recover from everything I've put myself through.

Because I am the queen of technical difficulties, my digital camera seems to have broken. I went to take pictures of several things this only to find that the camera will turn on but the screen remains blank. Nice. Hopefully this is fixable, but I'm not overly worried about it.

So, there are no pictures of FO's today, but I can report on my latest (paying!!) knitting project. I'm making the Rockstar cardigan from Alchemy Yarns for a friend back home, using an alpaca and silk yarn from KnitPicks. I had a hell of a time with it last night, starting and ripping back several times before I got the gauge issues worked out. Because I am substituting yarn and my tension always does wired and unpredictable things when I knit lace, this was annoying but I've got the problem worked out, enough knit to know the back is the right size for the body it will go on, and I'm ready to go nuts with it. My only comment about the pattern so far is that the graphs for the lace are really hard to read, particularly since they printed them on red paper, but it's not that bad once you get going and can see the logic of the pattern. It's actually an easy lace pattern, the graph is just miserable.

The Prairie Tunic from IK turned out quite well, but way too big. Again with the whole yarn substituting/lace stitch/tension problem. Although my tension seems to be right, the tunic is just too big. I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do about this, it looks ok over jeans, and I think I can block it out once I wash it so it's longer but narrower. We'll see. Right now it feels like a floppy sack but that might not really be a bad thing. Just not so good for work and not my usual style.

Now if I could just stop obsessively checking to see if the rest of my grades have been posted yet...they are all due today, but I only have 2 left that aren't reported (Criminal Law and Property), neither of which I have any idea about. Gah. Hurry up people!

Perspective?

It's been a rough few weeks. Since I got my Con Law grade last week, early I might add, it's been worse. I had thought, I had pinned so much on, things getting better once exams ended. But somehow getting my grade in that class has thrown me big time. All of the stress and anxiety and pain just isn't worth it if I give it my all and this is all I get.

On the other hand, the stress and pain and anxiety probably had more than a little to do with my less than ideal performance. I can think of a hundred reasons why I have not been performing like I should be, like I expect myself to. But somehow I've lost perspective and I'm having a hard time finding anything that helps. It's just too much. I can't take anymore. I'm broken down and tired and worn out and I can't take anymore.

That being said, my boss found out what's been going on today and seems to think he may be able to find a solution. Which would not involve working for 70 hours a week or debt I cannot hope to repay. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, and trying to let it go and trust in the universe at the same time. I have to learn to let people help me and not let my misplaced sense of pride get in the way. And I have to learn to trust people.

Work is starting to get interesting. I helping design the curriculum for an electronic discovery class. I know nothing about discovery (see how much good my civil procedure class did me last semester?), but I'm excited about this. I should be able to learn a lot. I should also probably enroll in the class, seeing as if I can't get an A in a class I did the materials for...well...that would just be sad.

My other work assignment is figuring out what I want to be when I grow up. This is the far more daunting of the two tasks, especially given that I have a near total lack of confidence in my abilities as a legal professional at this point, but certainly the more important. I just have no idea. I keep thinking of things and then thinking "no, that won't work. My grades are such rubbish, I'll never get a job in that field." Clearly, that must stop. I need a goal, a plan, something, so I can stay on the path.

I have been getting a good amount of knitting done. I finished the Prairie Tunic from the spring IK, and have picked up a lace bed jacket thing I've had on needles for months. I had a bunch of cotton yarn left over from the tunic, so I knitted and crocheted a string bag for myself out of the left over. I love hippie-assed string bags. They are kind of ridiculous, but being out here so far from my hippie-assed roots, I feel a little more at home carying my lunch of my dogi around in one. Plus they make good eco-friendly grocery bags, so yay for me. I have a new commission that I'll be starting on as soon as the yarn gets here too, so there's plenty to keep me busy and out of the cookie jar in the evenings.

Speaking of cookies jars...I've been really trying to focus on my diet and getting back on the WW track. I want to be at my goal when I turn 30 in September. It's pretty easy to not over-eat when you can't go out and grab a burger or whatever junk you want, and I've been making a progress in that area if nothing else. Once I have money again and buy vegetables, it should be ok. I've done this before, I know I have to tools to do it again, I just have to stick to it, believe in myself, and stay focused. All 3 things I've been having a hard time with in other areas of my life, but maybe success in this will help me in other things.

What in the hell am I doing?

So, I got my Con Law grade yesterday. It's...well...very demoralizing. I tried. I tried so hard...and it just wasn't enough.

Maybe I just don't want this enough. Maybe I don't have what it takes. I don't know. But whatever it is, it's just not enough. I am tired, I am lonely, and I did my best and it wasn't enough.

I don't know how much more I can give. I don't have anything much left, I can't pay rent or buy groceries, I left everything I knew and my life behind, and for what?

Fiber and Martial Arts

The mad spinning on the merino/angora/silk stuff carries on. I love working this fiber blend, but the angora gets all over the place and I really want to be plying so I can start on something new. Something with some color maybe. I have more of the same blend but dyed a really lovely sky blue, that might be a fun one to try next. Now that I think of it, it might be fun to ply that with the white and have a sort of tweedy looking yarn when I'm done...I shall have to think about this. I had sort of thought I might try doing some natural dying with the white but the tweedy look might be nice. Too many options!

Aikido is still on hiatus, so I've started taking kendo through the same group that runs the aikido class at school. I have to drive 45 minutes away to get to class once a week, but it's totally worth it. Who knew I'd be this excited about martial arts? I think part of it is that it's a really good stress reducer to hit things with bamboo swords and punch walls and toss people all over the place, plus the physical activity is good relief, but it's more than that too. This is the one thing that I do where I am not being measured against my classmates every step of the way and where I get constructive and instant feedback on my understanding of whatever we are doing. Cultivating my ki and general awareness is also hugely helpful. I feel more able to cope when I am practicing regularly, partly because I'm more able to get myself focused.

This research assisting job I have for the summer is interesting. Right now I'm working on editing page proofs for a book on court-martial procedure, which is very tedious work, and the fact that I have yet to find a clean page should tell you something, seeing as I can't edit anything for crap in general. The only problem with this job is that is 1 - does not pay enough to cover food and rent at the same time and 2 - I won't get paid until June 16th at best, which makes it difficult to pay rent for June and put gas in the car and feed myself. So I am looking for another job on the side, and having very little luck with it. I have a couple of leads which look promising, so think happy thoughts for me!

Oh! The big news is that I get to go to TNNA in Indianapolis with my friend from back home who runs KnitWhits. This should be a lot of fun. I get a free trip out of town, and I get to see all the new products and things coming out in the knitting and needlework world. I'll be working at the KnitWhits table for pretty much the whole weekend, so if you happen to be an industry person who will be there come by and say hi!

It's Alive!

I survived finals! I have no idea how it went, aside from I lived. I guess I'll know in a few weeks, somehow I don't really care right now. I did my best, and that's just going to have to be enough.

In other school news, I opted to not do the whole journal thing. I just couldn't stand the idea of being stuck doing cite checks for the next two years at the expense of what's left of my social life. Maybe I have screwed up priorities, but I'd rather be shooting myself in the foot professionaly than shooting myself in the head at the end before I even graduate.

I even have actual knitting news! The purple Starburst Sweater of Doom is done! I had to change the back central medallion thing, the length of fronts (so they would match the back, concept!), and I hated the ribbed sleeves (which also weren't long enough) so I frogged them and did plain knit sleeves with ruffled cuffs to match the body of the sweater. It looks much better I think, sort of like a ruffly purple gi top actually. I'll try to get some pictures of it posted soon. Over all, the pattern is a bit of a disaster but the end results are pretty good. I'm still trying to decide if they were worth the pattern confusion, but I am happy with the sweater.

I'm currently working on the Prairie Tunic from the spring issue of Interweave Knits. So far, so good. Of course, I am not using the recommended yarn. I went with Shine from KnitPicks, which I really like. Normally cotton yarn is a misery to me, but this is working up quite nicely without snags or anything. It's all done on tiny assed size 3 needles, so it's a bit tedious, but I'm moving along pretty quickly and it's a small top so it shouldn't be too interminable a project. I've got some other UFO's to work on inbetween, all of which are on tiny needles as well for some reason (what's with that anyway?), but they are good summer projects.

I also finally got my wheel pulled out from the corner and having been diligently working away at the silk/merino/angora blend I've been working on for what feels like a hundred years. I should have just one bobbin left to fill with singles, then I'm going to Navajo ply it I think. It should work out to something around a worsted weight yarn, maybe a little on the heavy side, but it should good for a scarf and hat set for the winter. Or something, we'll see. I'm not really worried about what I'm going to do with this stuff at this point.

The Great Yelp of Freedom

Hurray!! I am done with my last final. I am no longer a 1L.

Now, I shall lie on the floor and contemplate the ceiling.

Quick update

My last 1L final is in 4 and a half hours. I am terrified. I couldn't fall asleep last night, woke up at 2, then again at 5:30 and had no luck at all getting back to sleep. So here I am on campus, at 8:30 in the morning, having been here for an hour trying to get some last minute review done and having absolutely no luck. gah. This exam is shaping up to be a huge disaster.

My car is dead. Or at least, that's what the mechanic seemed to think. The transmission apparently is all locked up and needs rebuilding, which he can't do, so I have to take it to the dealer or a transmission shop. I'll call the dealer tomorrow, but given that something is not right with the coolant system and the whole car shakes when you decelerate, I think it's just a lost cause. This is a very bad thing. But there is some hope I can get some help from my grandma and get a new car (new to me anyway). We'll see. Without a car my situation this summer is going to be pretty painful.

At least this last exam will be over at 4. That's something. Then I can pedal my ass back home and crash.

p.s. just got off the phone with the local pontiac dealer...it's going to cost at least $2500 to get this car working and safe again. So much for the pontiac. Anyone know of any high school auto shop classes that need a grand am in the Williamsburg area?

Spring cleaning

I'm at least trying to clean out my book cases and probably eventually a closet or two. As I find things I don't want or need, I am trying to convert them into much needed cash. I'll be posting books and yarn and others things on Google Base, http://base.google.com/base/a/Duchess.Grace

So far, I have some knitting books and law school study aids posted, but more will be coming over the next week or so I am sure as I sort through things.

In other news...I have one exam left! My contracts final is at 1 on Thursday. I can hardly wait for that to be over. Contracts was my worst class last semester, and I wish I could say I felt ok going in to the exam but no amount of preparation is calming me down. I finished the outline this morning and have to review that and my other materials tonight and tomorrow in between naps and trips to the post office, mechanic, and book store to sell back my text books.

I still have no idea how I am going to pay rent and fix my car, but I'll figure something out. With luck, I'll be able to start my under-paying research job next week, and will at least be able to eat. That would be nice. I really hate being poor. Selling my possessions on line will only get me so far towards rent and a functional car.

Well I survived...

...my con law final and my first aikido belt test. The exam...well...asking how I feel about it is useless but I lived, and it was exhausting. The belt test was about what you would expect it to be considering I was so exhausted I was fighting back tears, our instructor hasn't been there for the last 2 practices, we found out about the test requirements Monday, and I've only been at this since spring break. Apparently I got a stripe on my white belt, which I am told is a good thing and not totally pathetic, but I feel like crap for some reason. I was too tired and stressed about everything that's going badly right now that I wasn't really as present as I should have been. So much for the whole no mind thing.

I have today to prepare for criminal law and contracts, which are next week, and tomorrow I focus entirely on property, since that test is Friday morning. At 9 am. I hope it doesn't rain, since I have to bike over to campus for the exam.

Things that suck when you have a huge exam in 29 hours

1 - you wake up nice and on time, decide to test your CD-RW drive just to be sure, and end up spending 5 hours troubleshooting the driver
2 - you find out the problem was a very simple preference setting
3 - your sister in law gets in a bike wreck and ends up having to have surgery on her wrist
4 - you discover one of your print drivers is missing and spend an hour trying to find a driver for a printer which is longer supported by the manufacturer. Then have to troubleshoot that for 20 minutes.
5 - you are flat broke
6 - your car will no longer shift in to any gear at all
7 - see #5. Can't go to the mechanic. Or the study group for the exam which is now 17 hours away.

Oh, and I have a belt test in aikido tomorrow after the final of doom, no way to get there (see about re:car), and my knee is inexplicably swollen.

All I really have the energy left to do right now is sob.

Rough week

It's been a bad couple of weeks. The closer I get to exams, the less able to cope with life I seem to get. Of course, it hardly helps that I made a gross miscalculation and am now beyond broke. At least I have a couple of leads for an extra part time summer job. Yay for 60 hour weeks all summer, that should be nice and relaxing. It'd be one thing if I'd be making enough to actually save some money, but I have to do that just to subsist. How sad. I hate being poor.

The one thing keeping me sane is the LYM. I'm terribly afraid that he's going to get tired of me and chuck me, but focusing on that just causes me to push him away which means he gets tired of me, and it's a nasty self-fulfilling sort of thing and not good for anyway. So, yeah, stopping that. He seems to have a pretty good understanding of the whole school and money stress situation and the impact that has on me, and is being really supportive and wonderful, so I need to just not worry about it and enjoy it.

I had a really bad night at Aikido last night. My foreword break-falls suck the big one, not for any lack of ability but because of paralytic fear. Which just makes the whole thing hurt more. I think a lot of my life fears are the real problem and not some ingrained fear of falling down. When I get thrown quickly and don't have time to think about it and get all worked up, I'm fine. In fact, I don't even feel it. I don't know what the exact solution is, I guess just keep practicing.

I've found another major problem with the Starburst Sweater. It seems that the collar directions repeat themselves, which will confuse the pants off you if you don't re-read it about 15 times and have a pretty good understanding of how shawl collars are supposed to work in general. I have no idea if the solution I came up with is what they expected, but it seemed to work so I'm going with it. The collar is done, and I'm to the sleeves. So far, no issues with that, but we'll see. I'm looking forward to this being done, hopefully before it warms up and I can't wear it for months.

Throw yourself at the ground and miss?

Or at least something like that. We learned forward break falls on Sunday and I am still sore. Why in the world anyone thinks it will be a trivial thing to fling myself head long into the floor, putting "more energy" in to it as I go along, I really don't know. At least I seemed to be getting it towards the end. Sempai said my form was good, I just need "more energy," which as far as I can tell means more thrust, as in jump over my head and into the mat harder. Ouch? The whole thing is very counter-intuitive and goes completely against my innate sense of self-preservation but there you go. It does hurt less if you do it right, but it's very hard to get my head to believe this.

I saw a cute little frolicking squirrel get hit by a car yesterday morning, that made me very sad. He was cute and the car didn't even slow down. Poor little guy, he had to drag his poor broken self off the road and I have no idea what happened to him. I felt bad for not picking up and taking him someplace, but I somehow don't think putting a broken squirrel in my car and driving all over Williamsburg in search of a squirrel hospital would have helped much. But still.

Not much else is going on. I ache. The LYM is getting lovelier every day, and the whole thing is getting less scary by the day. I survived a major thunder storm all by myself last night without any major freak outs. And the finals are coming and I just don't care. I've pretty much concluded that I don't care much about an actual career, if I can just get through this year I'll deal with my situation as it is and figure something out for the future. Ugh. If only someone had a hot tub I could soak in.

I got the other front section of the Starburst Sweater done last night during the thunder storm and started on the lower body "ruffle." This alleged ruffle is really just 2x2 ribbing, sort of gathered in at the top with a bunch of extra yarn overs. It looks pretty cool actually and show flare out nicely over my hips once it's done. It just takes forever to knit a row, since it's in ribbing, is ruffly, and goes clear around the sweater which has a cross over front. Gah. At least it does not have to be too deep. If I am good, I should be able to sit down and knit long enough to finish the ruffle this weekend, then it's on to the collar and the sleeves and I am done! Just in time for summer, when it's too hot to put on socks, never mind a sweater.

Rescue me

This has been a bad week. At least it has been bad in my head, I'm more full of self-doubt and uncertainty than I have been in a long time. I suspect it's just the cumulative effect of the semester, but I feel as though what self confidence I had left has been undercut to the point that just functioning in the most basic sense is a huge victory.

It doesn't really help that I've been thinking about my long term goals. I need goals, I need to know what I am working towards. The goals I had set out for myself at the start of law school are either unattainable because of my less than stellar grades or so uncertain that they hinder more than help. And in some respects I really have no idea what I want. Do I really want a high-flying legal career? I don't think I do. At least not at the expense of the rest of my life. At the moment, I just want to run away from it all and hide someplace dark and safe, but that's not going to get me through exams.

In other news, I've started a crazy quilt. I made a quilt once, when I was about 12, but that's the extent of my quilt making experience, aside from helping ladies pick out fabrics when I was in college and working in a fabric store with a huge selection of quilting fabrics. As a result, I have a nice little collection of quilting cotton. In addition to that I have tons of scraps left over from various projects and swatches and bits and pieces I've collected. Not so many as I had before the move out here, but still enough to put together a respectable collection of random bits to piece together into a crazy quilt. I started last night and already have 4 squares done. Hurray! It's actually a lot of fun, and goes much faster than I had thought it would. I suppose it helps that crazy quilts can be totally random, I don't have to plan out to much other than the size of my blocks. The perfect project for me right now, it's very zen in a way. I just pick up bits and put them together and let the colors and shapes flow. No thinking, just reacting.

Aikido is going well, I think. It's a little hard to say for sure at this point since the instructor has been out for the last few classes, but the bruises are getting to be much less and I'm able to get up from break falls much faster and in a more organized manner. If I just let myself react to whatever is happening it seems to be much easer. Maybe this will help me to deal with my over-thinking problems some too.

Not much to report

Just a quick update to say I have no real updates. Things are chugging along, I still lack motivation as far as school goes. I really hate school actually, but that's ok. It'll get better, or end, sooner or later. At least I got registered for all the classes I wanted next semester, that helps a bit.

I haven't been doing a great deal of knitting. The first front section of the Starburst sweater is done, and I found another mistake in the pattern, but it was easily fixed. They did not have you knit enough rows to fit the back to the front, but that's no big deal to correct.

For some reason, I'm feeling a bit sad today, but in a really oddly bouncy way. I'm sick of being stressed, and it's wearing on me, but I have other things going on now that I am actually excited about and can look forward to. I still have more doubt and confusion that I am comfortable with but at least there are bright spots.

This is very bad

I am totally 100% uninterested in law school right now. Completely over it. I got called on twice last week, and I have no motivation whatsoever to do any my homework this weekend. Which is A Very Bad Thing, seeing as it's Sunday morning and I have not cracked a book since Friday's Criminal Law class.

At least the stupid memo from hell is done. I probably sucked on it, and will likely not get the honors mark in skills this semester as a result, which is unfortunate since that was the one and only bright spot to my otherwise lack-luster performance last semester, but oh hell, I just don't care.

With any luck I'll get re-motivated about all this sometime very soon. If I don't, I kind of screwed, but again with the not much caring.

I wonder what this is all about? It's not so much as total lack of focus as it is my focus is on other things. My love life (now that I have one again, so much for eschewing all men) for one thing, Aikido for another, the whole process of really trying to live again really.

Anyway, must get back to fixing my computer. The LYM helped me scrub it this weekend, so it should be running faster, but I'm still missing some apps and iTunes won't run for some reason which confounds us all. blegh. And I still have to do my homework. Damn it.

Battered and bruised

...but this time in a really good way. I did my first ever Aikido class last night, and man does it ever feel good! I have at least 8 bruises that I've found so far, and I am proud of each and every one of them. I've been running around showing them off like badges of honor. I have another class tomorrow. My arms should be really interesting looking on Friday, although with luck I've worked out how to fall a little better so I'll up with less massive black and blue patches on my forearms. And I've also learned that sports bras with hooks in the back are a Very Bad Idea, so I won't be getting more of the gougey looking marks on my back. At least from that.

Other than Aikido, I have nothing new to report really. School carries on, it's driving me nuts, but hopefully some regular physical activity will help channel the stress someplace else. I've found a Lovely Young Man to keep me company and out of trouble who doesn't mind that I bring my homework and actually work on it when I go visit him for the weekend or make me feel like rubbish about the choices I've made. The cat is doing well. And I woke up this morning, the second day of a spring, to a land covered in snow. Nice. It felt good to go outside after I beating I gave myself last night.

On the knitting front, I resolved the problem with centering on the back of the Starburst Sweater and have started down the first front section. The pattern really does have some problems. I'm trying to keep track of them of all for my final project wrap-up, but at this point, I think if you are not a fairly experienced and fearless sort of knitter, stay far away from this one until they revise it.

My basic philosophy on pattern difficulty is that nothing is insurmountable if approached with courage and confidence. It's not so much as matter of skill as it is a lack of fear. Small children do things well sometimes because they don't know they can't, and knitters can do the same. The best students I ever had approached projects this way, they never asked how hard it was because they chose not to believe they should be intimidated. It's just string and some sticks after all.

However, even the most intrepid knitter is going to have a hard time with this pattern. The comments people have sent me about it only confirm it (two of the most capable and talented knitters I have ever met had a hell of a time figuring it out). It just goes to show the importance of clear instructions and proof-read patterns.

Anyway, enough semi-coherent rambling. I need to go find more ibuprophen and get to Con Law.

Pattern annoyance

I really hate it when patterns are not right, or maybe they are right but if you follow the directions they don't look like the picture. This happened with the Starburt Sweater I am currently working on last night. Finally, I get to the point where I can divide the back (which is worked in the round, from the center out) for the fronts, only to realize that the last 12 rounds of increases have been set to the wrong point in the central lace panel pattern, which resulted in a very off-center looking start thing in the middle of the back. So first I looked at the pattern so see if I was supposed to knit some extra stitches so everything lined up right...nope, it's just missing that step. How annoying. The problem was easily resolved, but I had rip back to the last round of the star part. grr. I guess it just goes to show that if you think it looks wrong or off somehow the first time, it probably is. Go with your gut.

Aside from the funky off-center star thing, I am warming up to the crazy purple color considerably. Now that there is more of it, it's not so scary and bright looking. Not quite sure how that works, but put next to dark jeans or a black skirt, it's quite a reasonable shade. So yay! My adventure into wild (for me) non-earth tones seem to be paying off.

Quote of the day:

"In one way or another I've always suffered. I didn't know why exactly. But I do know that I'm not so scared of suffering now. I feel more than I've ever felt and I've found someone to feel with. To play with. To love in a way that feels right for me. I hope he knows that I can see that he suffers too. And that I want to love him."

I'll leave it you to guess the source/significance...

A few key points

1. I have all but resolved to eschew all men. It's just not worth it to keep getting told that I am using law school "as a bull-shit excuse." My heart is just too broken at this point.
2. Criminal law would be quite entertaining were I able to separate the human reality from the cases at hand.
3. I need to get more sleep if I want the hurting to stop.
4. The schedule is working pretty well, for all that I have not managed to stick with it terribly well this week. At least I know what I need to do and when, that helps, even if I've been doing a lot of shuffling of things and feeling generally crappy this week.
5. Whoever wrote my contract case book is a sadist. They seem to take a perverse pleasure in telling you about the exception to the exception before telling you there even is an exception to the rule you may or may not have been able to gather from any one of the several preceding (and unrelated) cases. Gah. And people wonder why I'm stressed. Please.

How sad

I just got a paper cut...on my NOSE.

that's just sad.

*edited to say it was my contracts casebook that did it. just if you wanted to know.

Schedule for the rest of the semester

* please note that there is some flexibility to this when classes get canceled. Evening hours will be spend socializing, knitting, sleeping, or catching up as needed.

Monday
7:00-7:30 Get Up, shower
7:30-8:00 - Breakfast of yogurt and a latte
8:00-8:15 - Drive to campus and park
8:15 - 10:00 Read Crim Law
10:00 - 11:15 - Contracts Class
11:30-12:20 - Property Class
12:20 - 1:00 - lunch
1:00 - 2:00 - check email, asses schedules, review Con Law
2:00-3:15 - Constitutional Law Class
3:15 - 6:00 - Library to do read Con Law for Tuesday

Tuesday
7:00-7:30 Get Up, shower
7:30-8:00 - Breakfast of yogurt and a latte
8:00-8:15 - Drive to campus and park
8:15 - 10:00 Read Contracts for Wednesday
10:00 - 11:15 - Criminal law Class
11:30-12:30 - Read for Property
12:30 - 1:00 - lunch
1:00 - 2:00 - check email, asses schedules, review Con Law
2:00-3:15 - Constitutional Law Class
3:15 - 4:00 - Library to do read Con Law for Wednesday
4:00-5:30 - Legal Skills
5:30-7:00- Library to finish Con Law for Wednesday

Wednesday
7:00-7:30 Get Up, shower
7:30-8:00 - Breakfast of yogurt and a latte
8:00-8:15 - Drive to campus and park
8:15 - 10:00 Read Crim Law for Friday
10:00 - 11:15 - Contracts Class
11:30-12:20 - Property Class
12:20 - 1:00 - lunch
1:00 - 2:00 - check email, asses schedules, review Con Law
2:00-3:15 - Constitutional Law Class
3:15 - 6:00 - Library to do read Con Law for Thursday

Thursday:
7:00-7:30 Get Up, shower
7:30-8:00 - Breakfast of yogurt and a latte
8:00-8:15 - Drive to campus and park
8:15 - 12:30 - Read for Contracts
12:30 - 1:00 - lunch
1:00 - 2:00 - check email, asses schedules, review Con Law
2:00-3:15 - Constitutional Law Class
3:15 - 6:00 - Library to do read Property

Friday
7:00-7:30 Get Up, shower
7:30-8:00 - Breakfast of yogurt and a latte
8:00-8:15 - Drive to campus and park
8:15 - 10:00 - Read Con Law for Monday
10:00-11:15 - Criminal Law Class
11:15-1:30 - Break, have a good lunch someplace out
1:30-5:30 - Outline for Contracts

Saturday
8:30-9:00 Get up, shower
9:00-9:45 - Breakfast of yogurt and a latte
9:45-10:00 - Drive to campus, park
10:00-12:30 - Outline for Property
12:30-1:30 - Lunch, walk in CW
1:30 - 5:30 - Outline for Criminal Law

Sunday
8:30-9:00 Get up, shower
9:00-9:45 - Breakfast of yogurt and a latte
9:45-10:00 - Drive to campus, park
10:00-12:30 - Outline for Con Law
12:30-1:30 - Lunch, walk in CW
1:30 - 5:30 - Outline for Con Law

More pictures

Going along with the picture theme...

I took these the day it snowed. The cat, Maya, was not impressed.

Finished Objects

Finally, a picture of someting I knit! This is the tweed jacket from KnitScene which I just completed. The sleeves are somewhat short and snug, but I think that is partly becasue I did some significant yarn exchanging and knit them in the round, and directly in to the arm hole. Overall, it's pretty cute, for all that it makes my boobs look massive.



Here is the argyle Christmas sock I did back in December. I am relaly happy with how it came out, but it ended up being too stretchy so I had to felt it a bit. Next time, I will use a much smaller needle. The pattern came from the Interweave Press Christmas socks book, and I knit it with BrownSheep Lambspride.

Can't go home again

This about sums it up for my state of mind of right now:

On Monsieur's Departure
(Elizabeth I)

I grieve and dare not show my discontent,
I love and yet am forced to seem to hate,
I do, yet dare not say I ever meant,
I seem stark mute but inwardly to prate.
I am and not, I freeze and yet am burned.
Since from myself another self I turned.

My care is like my shadow in the sun,
Follows me flying, flies when I pursue it,
Stands and lies by me, doth what I have done.
His too familiar care doth make me rue it.
No means I find to rid him from my breast,
Till by the end of things it be supprest.

Some gentler passion slide into my mind,
For I am soft and made of melting snow;
Or be more cruel, love, and so be kind.
Let me or float or sink, be high or low.
Or let me live with some more sweet content,
Or die and so forget what love ere meant.

On a happier and woolier note...the back of the Starburst Sweater is coming along nicely and I am less offended by the crazy bright purple of it the larger it gets. I think with dark jeans and either a flesh toned or black top underneath, it will be quite reasonable. The yarn is very soft at any rate, and quite nice to work with. If I really can't stand the purple, I could always try to over-dye it with some grey or something. I think my problem is that I tend to gravitate towards more subdued, dusty shades, and this is definantly not that. Also, it isn't quite what I was expecting but that's ok. The odd surprise now and again isn't a bad thing and I'm starting to warm up to it. Funny how that can work sometimes.

Lots of smug-marrieds

Spending a whole week with familial smug-marrieds was probably a bad plan in my current state of mind. Oh well. At least I'm getting this rape and homicide stuff figured out, that has to count for something.

I just wish they would stop asking me about the ex and my love life. This is why I don't bring boys home. For any reason. Ever. What was I thinking?

Oh, yeah...I am/was in love. feh.

Anyway, I finished knitting the little tweed jacket. Today I need to block it out, sew on the buttons, and decide which shoes to wear it with for the luncheon thing I am getting dragged to on Saturday. Hurray for a new jacket thing to wear though!

I think I am going to make the Prairie Tunic from the latest Interweave Knits next. I got some nice red cotton and tencel yarn from KnitPicks to do it with, which I think will make a nice spring/summer top. Either that, or Startburst sweater from KnitPicks. KnitPicks seems to be making me happy these days, they have nice yarns at really good prices, and interesting patterns, plus they ship really quickly. Hurray for KnitPicks! The Starburst Sweater would probably be more useful for the early part of the spring. I ordered the yarn in Iris, and it's way more purple than I had thought it would be, bordering on annoying, but I think once it's knit up it'll be ok. It's just a bit brighter than I normally wear. Branching into other colors might be a good idea though, and the purple/lavender will look good with most anything. I'm trying to resist knitting yet another white or cream colors sweater.

Quick update

I made it back to CA, without any terrible mishaps though I did almost miss my connecting flight in Dallas. For some reason, my flights out of Norfolk are always at least a half hour late, which makes life interesting when you have to make a connecting flight and only had 40 minutes between flights to begin with. But I made it, and the power only went out in the second plane for 5 minutes or so, at we had already landed, so it was ok.

Dad and I spent Saturday with my aunt wandering around SF. I was pretty much half-asleep, but did manage to pick up non-nipple like buttons for my little tweed jacket. Hurray! I love Britex. My button lady (I have a Button Lady, how strange is that?) remembered me and was very helpful and excited about my jacket thing, which was nice.

We ate dinner at my most favorite Italian place in the whole world, and the host was all excited to see me and I think he might have been flirting with me, which is a nice thing actually, he's tall and cute and has a wonderful Italian accent. After that, we went back to my aunts and I passed out at about 7:30, which is just plain sad but probably understandable.

Now I am at home, typing up notes from the reading I did on the plane, and trying not to reflect too much on the life I've left behind. I feel very apart somehow, like I don't really belong here anymore, which would be ok if I felt like I belonged back in Virginia.

Madness!

Ever since I slept through my boarding call back in September and missed my flight home for my brothers wedding, the very idea of having to go the airport and get on a plane fills me panic and dread. Huge cold knots of fear take over my stomach just thinking about it. Somehow, that might flight leaves at 5:30 tonight is no comfort at the moment. As long as I leave here no later than 3 I will be fine, but still, the panic. And what if the plane is late and I miss my connecting flight? I hate air travel. It should not produce this sort of overwhelming anxiety.

At least I am totally packed. I have 2 new knitting projects, one I've had on needles for awhile, and the last sleeve of my tweed jacket to work on over break. I should be able to get the sleeve done on the drive from San Jose to Santa Barbara without any trouble, which means I can focus on fun knitting and new projects after that. Hurray!

Of course, break is mostly going to be about homework and outlining. If I stay focused I should be able to get totally caught up and my outlines up to date by the end of break, which is a very good thing. I'll be a really good position for the last half the semester. I wish I could just take a break though, go to a spa, something, but that will have to wait for the summer or possibly some time after I take the bar...

Not wasting the pretty

Now for a mini-update on the sad affair that is my love life...

The short version is that it is no love life. As usual, He's Just Not That Into Me, in that he's not sure if he wants to get back with his ex. A situation somewhere between chapter 9 and chapter 10 of The Book. I hate dating. But, again following the HJNTIY approach, I must brush myself off and not waste the pretty.

For those of you who missed the HJNTIY thing, my mom, bless her, got me an autographed copy of this book last year at an authors luncheon. I am sad to say, it's the only dating advice book I have ever read that made any sense. The capsule summary is that ambiguity and fuckwittage are bad, and if a guy is that into you there will be no ambiguity or fuckwittage. So, yeah. Girls, read it and giggle but take at least one or two notes. Guys, read it, these are the new rules of engagement. And you all know how much I loath self-help books in general.

Resisting the urge to stay at home and wallow with girlie movies while wandering around the house in flannel pants and a sweater shirt is proving to be rather difficult this morning, but I will get up, I will put on pants, and I will go out to class and learn about homicide and substantive due process while being pretty and fabulous. Hurray!

On the knitting front...
I know I need to post pictures. I suck. What can I say? But the current project is a tweed jacket from Knitscene (pattern is available for freehere). My version is done with a reddish brown suri alpaca from knitpicks and the pine forest looking yarn I handspun and used for the last major sweater project. The colors sounds a little weird, but the effect is quite nice and not like anything else I have, so I'm happy. Venturing out of my usual palate is always kind of exciting. I like the design, but I really detest the way the collar shaping is done. It's all jagged and lumpy along the edge if you follow their directions. I should be able to block out the weirdness, but it annoyes me. Really, not a major problem and the jacket is otherwise cute so it's not a major gripe, just use your common sense with the collar shaping if you decide to use the pattern. I'm on the second sleeve, and hope to either have it done by the end of the week or shortly after getting home so I can search for buttons while I'm in the vicinity of good fabric stores with nice button selections.

5 more days

until I leave for spring break that is. Few things are as attractive to me right now as the idea of getting the hell out of here for a week. Of course, I get to go back to my parents and do homework for an entire week, but still, I won't be doing it here.

I'm still really cranky about the Heffalump-Bitch-Who-Stole-My-Job. I know I need to let this go, but I am really sick of being made to feel as though I am complete rubbish all the time. Law school sucks that way.

Anyhow, I had a tolerable weekend. My neighbor had people over Friday to send up hot air balloons, and we freaked out some of the people in the complex, who were very drunk, and thought our balloon was a UFO. It was pretty funny watching these two dumb girls freak out over a trash bag and some birthday candles. I did a lot of homework, and had some people over for chocolate and crepes on Saturday, which turned into more or less a wake for poor old Hobbs. That was actually kind of fun, but I sort of overdid it on the whole wake concept and spent of Sunday feeling more like rubbish than usual and napping before I met Someone's mother for dinner. Now that was a freak show. Having dinner with your ex's mother and her neighbor is just strange, but it ended up being rather nice for all that.

I'm totally sick of school though. All I want to do at this point is sit at home, drink tea, knit, and wait for it all to end. I just don't see the point in any of this right now, and I really am sick of not having anyone much to talk to it all about. Is it so wrong to need someone to tell me I'm not total rubbish once in awhile?

Rest in Peace

Hobbs, Sept. 6 1992 to Feb. 23 2006. A good cat and a good friend. Hobbit, I'll miss you.

Oh hell no

NASA called. They gave my job to the school Heffalump. I hate this girl. I mean, seriously hate, as I never hated before. She stole my goddamned job. And she's dumb as a rock and disgusting and loud and has no class and lies and backstabs and I hate her. hate hate hate.

Just what I need today. I've said it before, and I'm sure I'll tattoo it on my ass one of these days, but law school is seriously not calculated to make you feel good about yourself. It's days like this when I start to wonder if anything in my life is calculated to make me feel good about myself. I'm coming down pretty heavily on the side of "no" at this point.

I have another interview this afternoon, which considering that I've already accepted the research assistant job, is a bit irrelevant, but it'll at least be useful experience. In so far as more rejection is useful experience...

Random thoughts

It just occured to me that I really need a new suit. Not so much becasue I anticiapte wearing suits all summer, but mainly becasue I am tired of wearing the same suit all the time to interviews and school functions.

I also would like it if someone bought me diamond earrings. Just nice studs, something I can wear all the time.

It's good to dream I suppose.

Good thing redux

I have yet to hear anything back from NASA beyond the 9 page application they wanted me to fill out. It's a bit annoying, but since I had to let the professor who wants me to help him out this summer know what I was going to do this week, I've decided NASA can wait. I'll be working on campus as a research assistant and helping out with god knows what sort of techno-law stuff for the Courtroom 21 project. (Which you can read about here if you are so inclined) It should be interesting, and it'll give me at least one person on campus who is on my side and knows me.

Other than that, not much is going on. I'm looking forward to spring break. After all the drama with the stupid plane tickets, I worked something out with my parents and will be spending beak with them, camped out in the dining room doing outlines and getting caught up on my reading. Which is all good, I want desperately to get out of here and be someplace where I am not so alone and people are pulling for me. Law school is just not calculated to make you feel good about yourself. At least my social life is starting to take some sort of shape. It's been difficult, since most of the people I knew outside law school were Someone's friends, but I seem to be making progress finding other people to socialize and go out with. I'm still pathetically lonely, but at least I'm starting to understand what the source of that is and how to get around it.

Of superheros and snow

Yesterday I got to see my first real snow and my first real client. How it can go from the high 60's on Friday, to over an inch of snow on Saturday, is totally beyond my comprehension but there it is. The cat was not impressed, and driving was a little scary, but the world looked beautiful and soft, and somehow comforting, all covered over in snow. The snow is gone today, but there are chunks of ice and frozen puddles all over.

Had it not been for the legal aid clinic yesterday, I would not have been out in the snow at all. A bunch of lawyers in the area volunteered yesterday morning to take on pro bono work for low income people in the community, and a bunch of law students helped with client intake and basic screening. Actually interviewing a real client, with a real problem, was pretty amazing. We do client interviews at school, but the clients are other students who are roleplaying. These people had real fear in their eyes, real problems, that impacted real lives. I got to sit in on the actual attorney meeting with a couple that I screened, and when they left, they thanked me just as profusely and with just as much gratitude and relief in their eyes as they had when they thanked the attorney.

Hopefully I will get to continue working on this case. These people need help, and as little as I can do for them at this point, I want to do it. They placed their trust in me, a first year law student who knows next to nothing about their problem, and that is a precious and somewhat frightening thing. This is what my life will be, I know that, but I don't think I was really expecting this profound sense of awe when faced with the reality and responsibility of a client who is afraid and yet trusts me enough to hand their problem over to me. It's a very humbling experience.

Of course, I am a little afraid myself. Afraid I will not live up to that trust and responsibility, afraid I will let them down and in so doing make a bad situation worse for people who are already struggling. To be given that kind of power over some one else's life and wellbeing is just plain frightening. But they have faith in me. The attorney who took their case has faith in me and wants my help. My brother, who called me a superhero once, has faith in me. Somehow, reminding myself of that and being reminded of that makes all the difference as I struggle through the day to day process of becoming worthy of that trust.

One good thing

I still have not heard back for certain about NASA, but I have a job offer! Hurray! They want me to work on a project on campus over the summer doing all kinds of things, including research assistant stuff and some course development and web development. Yeah! It's nice to know that I for sure have a job lined up.

Now back to your regularly scheduled con law...

So bitter

Not so much as a post card or piece of junk mail today. What gives?

Right now, I'm sitting in flannel pants listening to my personal theme song and doing property reading. How romantic.

I was a fool to think this valentines day would be any better than the last 29 of them have been.

Oh so bitter today!

I hate today. Stupid contrived Hallmark holidays. I'm very bitter. Being alone today is bad enough, but why must the stupid bimbo girls at school be all giggly and annoying about their lame-assed boyfriends? It's just enraging.

And deeply depressing and lonely and sad.

At least I have plenty of exciting homework to keep me busy. On top of the usual pile of reading, I have to get through a huge stack of Pennsylvania employment and whistleblower law cases for my skills class. None of them seem to be on point for the case we've got either. Yippie. What a way to spend Valentines Day.

Oh dear...

Only a few hours later and I have completed my grocery shopping, failed to find a double boiler, vacuumed the entire house from top to bottom, including the stairs, mopped the bathroom, cleaned the sink, and changed and washed my bed sheets.

This is very bad indeed. What is my problem today?

Focus?

I am so hideously unfocused today! This is bad. The huge heap of reading is one thing, but I actually some motivation to get a bit ahead this weekend so I can play after school next week, if I could only concentrate!! I'm so distracted and jumpy I actually mopped my kitchen last night and organized the under-sink cabinet in the bathroom this morning. Cleaning is always a bad sign, but at least my house isn't such a sty anymore.

Maybe I should go to the grocery store...I'm making dinner for a friend tomorrow, getting all the parts together for that today might be a good idea. Especially since I can't quite decide if I should make a pie or tart of some kind or chocolate dipped strawberries for desert. The strawberries will require getting a double boiler...which I need anyway since some of the people from school and I are planning on a chocolate making party sometime in the next week or so. And I can't quite decide what to do about a vegetable. So far I'm planning to make grilled salmon and roasted garlic potatoes, and salad? or spinach? or something else? I need a green thing. Asparagus would be good if it wasn't $5 a pound.

Can you tell I have about 200 pages of reading to do?

Law school, the zen approach

I am trying to be philosophical about school this semester. Grades are important, but they aren't everything. I need to maintain some sort of outside, normal life. This is not easy. Saying that I'm under a lot of stress is sort of life saying the Titanic had a tiny little leak. There are moments, lots of them, when I just want to bury my head in whatever casebook I have in front of me and weep.

But then I find someone on the outside world who seems to appreciate what I'm going through, who respects it, accepts it, and is supportive. Someone who, like my brother, makes me feel like what I'm doing is worthwhile, and more than that, almost heroic. I need more of those kind of people in my life to keep me focused, directed, grounded. People who take an interest and care and won't let me lose myself in this thing I am doing.

I have to simply let go, allow this whole experience to unfold, and not fight against it. Last semester I think I fought too much with myself, with school, with the environment, trying to force everything to fit into some mold I had in my head. It got me nothing really, except exhaustion and frustration, neither of which I need. I must simply do, or do not. It's a very binary sort of thing and there is no use in trying to resist that. Somehow that seems to be helping with my focus and perspective.

Such a geek

I am torn. Should I go to a friends house and watch Stargate on Friday, or the Olympics? Why oh why do I not have cable and a TiVo?

Maybe I should start dating only guys who have TiVo? How sad is that...will date for TiVo and sushi. But as they say, a girl has to eat, and I'm po'.

Updated to say woo! I got another interview! For a job that pays even! Hurray! We're still keeping our fingers crossed about NASA though...

Life goes on

I have very little to report today. School seems to be sucking up most of my life right now, which I suppose is just as well. If I keep busy I don't have time to think about some of the larger questions in life, questions about my future and what I really want to accomplish with my life. That old tension between career and family just seems to keep rearing its ugly heady. And there just aren't any answers.

I'm still lonely here...lonelier than I was last semester, or even a few weeks ago actually. But I'm starting to either find the courage to express my own true self, or finding people who accept me for what I am. Probably the truth is someplace in between. I've made a goal for myself to meet people outside of school, and so far that seems to be working out fairly well. It's jut hard to find the time some weeks.

I've decided that somehow or another I really need to start sewing again. Since I need suits, I'm going to make a suit. I have some good patterns from Vogue that should be good, I just need to find some good fabric. I was thinking a linen would be nice, especially for the summer and fall interview season. It gets so hot here, wearing wool or some synthetic is going to kill me. I just can't quite work out what to use for lining in a linen suit. More linen? Cotton? Silk or rayon seems like it would be too hot, and defeat the whole purpose of making a linen suit.

More later when I have something meaningful to say...meanwhile, it's back to the con law reading and hiding

Death and Taxes

My taxes are done. The good news is I get a nice refund. The bad news is that I also had to do my FAFSA for next years financial aid, and my net assets are 0. How depressing. In fact, according to their calculus (which leaves out money from financial aid) I have nothing in my checking account either. How thrilling. Hopefully I will either qualify for in-state tuition or get a stipend or something for next year. Another $40 grand or so in loans does not sound like fun to me.

On January 24th, I found out one of the ladies from my OES group died, and I lost my best friend. Rest well Dena, you will be missed. M...what more can I say? I loved you.

Got geek?

Woo! I had an interview this morning for an internship at NASA. I think I nailed it. Hurray! I'll know for sure in two weeks anyway. The idea of some practical application for what I'm doing in class makes the reading so much easier to get through. Though I still don't understand how it's possible that for twenty pages I read, seventy-five more seem to appear out of nowhere. Ugh.

Last night I finished my mittens and started on the matching hat. I just need to finish the hat, weave in the ends, take pictures, and type up the pattern. That's some kind of progress anyway.

It seems like school is getting easier, not exactly in the sense that the workload is any less, it's actually a lot more, but I'm understanding things and putting it together faster, and seem to be doing well when I get grilled by my professors. I was the daily Socratic victim in Con Law on Monday, and managed to hold my own for most of the class on a case we didn't actually read directly, and have managed to have intelligent conversations with potential employers about the vagaries of contract, tort and property theories, so I think it's starting to click.

Of course, it feels like the rest of my life is falling to pieces...I never have been able to maintain professional/academic success along with a personal and emotional life. Too many of my ambitions and goals seem to be mutually exclusive these days.

Cold and alone

Because I have no one else to share this with...

I got a letter in yesterdays mail from a federal judge in Norfolk I had sent a resume too. I sort of assumed it was yet another "thanks but no" letter, a growing collection of which I have stuck to my fridge. But upon closer reading, he wants to talk to me! Hurray! A judicial clerkship would be pretty cool. I don't think it would pay, but I can get funding through the school and since it's in Norfolk, I wouldn't have to move so the crap pay would be more or less do-able.

I made a mitten last night. This time, I promise, a picture and pattern will follow. I love knitting mittens. A friend back in CA gave me the yarn back in the summer when we went up to this hippie hot-spring place, it's really beautiful yarn and I think it might actually be hand-spun. It's nicely heathered and still has lots of lanolin in it, perfect for outer-wear in a genuinely cold environment, so I'm making mittens and a hat for myself.

Now, back to contracts. We're still working on parol evidence, which my prof characterizes as "a sick rule." If he means sick in the sense that there are so many exceptions that the exceptions have exceptions, rendering the rule nearly pointless, I quite agree. But I find it oddly interesting, and there's an internal logic to the sickness that I'm starting to understand. Maybe I'm sick...I'm also the only person I know who doesn't break out in a cold sweat when someone brings up the rule against perpetuites...

Sittin' alone

I think my blog is turning in to a replacement for someone to really talk to...

Anyway, I did this mock interview program at school today put on by the career services people and some alums. My interview was at 2, and my last class got out at 11, so I was kind of bitter about having gone home, got in the lawyer-drag, hose and heels, and then driving back to campus for some fake interview that wouldn't have any hope of landing me a job, but it actually went really well and I feel strangely better about this whole job search/career thing. The lawyer I met with was really nice, said I comported myself very well and would be fine, reassured me about my grades, told me I should find a good job cuz I was good candidate, and then suggested I go in to litigation because I was very self-possessed, poised, and spoke well. That was kind of a nice bit of ego-boosting, and one I sadly needed.

I could use some advice about my summer plans though. The one promising job bite I had is back in CA, I have heard nothing back from them, and the situation just isn't going to be as comfortable as I had thought it would be. So probably, even if I get the offer, I'll end up turning it down if I manage to come up with some alternatives. I was invited to apply to a study abroad program run by one of the other law schools I was admitted to, they have a comparative law program in Oxford and an IP law program in Munich that both look really good and worth applying too. So, what do I do? CA, Oxford, Munich, or stay in VA? What would be the best career choice?

The sourdough bread turned out really well. My peel maneuvering is still somewhat lacking, so the loaf got a little deformed and developed a goiter, but it has the best crust I've ever produced, a great tang, and is nice and chewy and moist. I'm quite pleased.

Thinking is bad for my health

At least my mental health...I realized this afternoon that in 29 Februaries the only people to ever give me a real V-Day card or present have been family members*. That's pretty sad.

Other things I should avoid thinking about include summer plans, my career prospects, spring break, non-refundable airline tickets and my bank account, financial aid applications, and why my cat has suddenly decided that breaking out of the house sounds like a grand idea.

To avoid thinking, I've decided to attempt sour dough bread. Ok, I decided this several days ago, it takes awhile to get the starter going, but this afternoon I got the dough together and I am currently avoiding my crim law reading while waiting for the dough to rise. One nice thing about law school is that the good people over at LexisNexis and WestLaw give you free accounts. If you are not a legal person, this means nothing, but it's sort of like lawyer crack. They offer you prizes and cash and free online research and printing for 3 years, then send you out to a firm, a confirmed online research junkie, to run up astronomical bills you first year as an associate. To give you some idea, a single search can cost as much as $100. Anyway, I had a bunch of points on Lexis and was able to redeem them for Alton Brown's baking book, which got here earlier this week (see how this ties back to the bread? I'm not totally insane!). I've been lusting after this book for months, so I was quite excited that I was able to get it for free, as a byproduct of obsessive case reading, and as an added bonus is has a nice, non-scary recipe for a sourdough starter. We'll see how it turns out in a few hours, but I love the way this book is written. It satisfies all of the geek/science nerd parts of my brain without getting so technical that my law school addled brain can still follow it. He actually explains how everything works, which is important to understand in baking, and something that most baking (and bread in particular) books overlook. If you've ever seen GoodEats on the food network, you know what I'm talking about. Plus the recipes are interesting, and if the other recipes of his I've tried are any indication, tasty.

I just need to get an actual pizza stone. My terracotta tiles cracked with last batch of bread I baked. Not a huge deal, but it's a pain to work with cracked tiles. Unless someone knows where I can get refractory tiles or kiln shelves in the Tidewater area?

*Actually, last year, M. did give me a package of cherry chocolate cordials, but he gave me those a day late and they were in a Safeway bag. And those stupid cards with the nasty candy people are forced to leave on your desk in 3rd grade hardly count.

The geese have returned

I have no idea where my neighbor-geese went off too, I assume someplace further south and warmer than it is was in these parts back in December, but the crazy Canadians are back, and just as suicidal as ever. Clearly, they do not suffer under the burden of non-refundable airline tickets like the rest of us.

As evidence that I have gone, or am beginning to go, over to the dark side, I'm starting to wonder if those non-refundable airline tickets might actually be a contract of adhesion and thus not actually enforceable, and if it's really worth arguing this point over a $308 plane ticket. I figure this means one of two things: 1 - I've lost my mind or 2 - I'm actually starting to understand this contract stuff. If it's option 2, I only wish this had happened before I took my final last semester, but c'est la vie. I'll do better this term, and if I can successfully recover my $308 from the airline that will surely be worth something.

Time marches on

It hardly seems possible that I left San Francisco just six months ago. Somehow it seems like I've been out here much much longer than that. At the same time, it's all gone so fast…at time I feel as though I've barely had time to blink. But here I am, a half a year later, a semester behind me, and well in to the last half of my first year.

For some reason I've been sick pretty much since I got back from the winter break. First it was an awful cold/flu from hell, and now I've got some messed up stomach bug and a fever. The main problem is the exhaustion, afternoon naps are all well and good but if I sleep for 4 hours in the afternoon I really would like to be awake later than 9:30 in the evening. I seem to be getting better though, so with any luck I'll be back to normal by the end of the week.

I've been knitting a pair of socks for Someone, and have decided to try the 2 socks on 2 circular needles method. So far, it seems to be working pretty well but can get quite confusing. I think the confusion is worth it though, I have a bad habit of knitting one sock and then never getting around to the second one, or not getting the second one done for 3 or 4 years. This way, both socks are in the same state of unfinishedness, both will be at the same gauge, and both will actually be the same length. All good things I thing. Size 0 needles though are a bit much…it must be love if I'm knitting the man socks on size 0's.

Must get back to my criminal law class. For some reason, this class is really offending my sense of justice and right and wrong. I'm really starting to think Hammurabi had the right of it.

Superhero School

My baby brother sent me this the other day:

Just think, one day you will be protecting the lives of the innocent and helping to punish the evil doers. Sound like a superhero to me. So I guess when you think about it superhero school can't be easy or else everyone would be doing it.

Crisis of confidence, over.

The knitting and weaving carry on, in between reading cases about all the usual things. I'm making socks for Someone (toe up, from Brownsheep Wildefoot, with a simple 2X2 rib instep and cuff). In a few days, it will be 6 months that we have been together. Not a perfect 6 months, that much I will grant, but somehow, it's been...I don't even know. Perfect isn't the right thing (and the part of me that knows he will read this won't let me say as much), but it's been exactly what I needed, exactly what I've wanted. He makes me a better person, he lets me see the superhero my brother thinks I can be.

Moving...

Well, my blog is moving anyway. Please update bookmarks and links! As of now, I will no longer be updating to this page at the rcn.com address. The new URL is:

http://members.cox.net/heidigrace

Now back to fixing all the links I am sure I have broken...

How could I resist?

With applogies to Jen...

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
5. Don't search around and look for the coolest book you can find. Do what's actually next to you.

"Corporal punishment in a public school may involve a constitutionally protected liberty."

Brought to you by the good people who wrote the Gilbert's on Constitutional Law. Nice.

Doom, doom!!

Grades come out today. I already saw 2. Hopefully Contracts is, as I expected, my worst grade, but I did manage to score an honors grade in my legal skills class, so that's something. I'm not sure what exactly, as it does nothing for my GPA (which I think sucks the big one but oh well, it'll still look good on the resume).

Now I'm waiting for Crim Law to start, which I am woefully unprepared for, as I passed out last night while I was trying to do my reading. Stupid flu plague.

A few points I'd forgotten

1 - The food here seriously sucks.
2 - Don't get me started on the "produce," if you can call it that
3 - For the most part, I loath my classmates. It's very sad.
4 - Studying at school is hopeless (see #3)

Day 1 of Semester 2 went ok. Contracts got cancelled, which had me all irrationally annoyed, but was probably ok. I just got out of my first ever criminal law class, which was scary. The prof just launched into the lecture and discussion without so much as saying hello. She scares me a little, but I think it'll be an ok class.

Must try to get my Con Law reading done now. I passed out on the couch yesterday after I got home. This cold thing sucks, and not I have a fever blister to go with it. Nice. I feel like crap and I look deformed. What a way to start the new year.

So wrong

Starting the semester with the beginnings of a cold is just unfair and wrong on so many levels. I feel like crap. I blame this entirely on the whole airport odyssey getting back out here. Stupid airport.

Anyhow, aside from feeling like crap and being generally exhausted, and considering that I have not actually had a class yet, the semester has officially begun and so far so good. Or at least, so far, no new surprises. Classmates are still immature and annoying (why do I loath them so much? why?!), I still don't understand anything in my contracts book, and the homework load is already a bit scary. But oh well, I'm actually kind of excited about this. Torts and Civ Pro are over, and I get Criminal and Constitutional law this semester to replace them. Con law should be interesting, I'm excited about that one.

Last night, instead of doing the rest of my property reading, I warped my loom and wove a few sample rag coasters. I'm quite happy with how they turned out actually, and I think I have a better idea of how the warp colors interact with the rag colors, so that's something. Plus they are really fast to weave. Hurray! I think warping the loom took longer than the weaving, but I can put enough warp on by myself to do about 10 coasters at least, if not 12, so that should keep me busy for awhile.

In other news, I bought a scale yesterday at Cost Co. Eep. That was a scary wake up call, but looking back on it it's not really as bad as all that. I've managed to keep off nearly 40 pounds from my all time high, and seem to be within the new range of fluctuation, which is not to say I don't have some work to do, but it's manageable. My goal is really to get the range of fluctuation down a bit, the high end needs to be at least 10 pounds lower than it is now, and I'd like the range to be narrower, but that's an achievable goal. I've pretty much got to the point though where I'm doing this on my own. The leader at the one and only WW meeting that fits into my schedule is really irritating. She just grates on my every last nerve, and I can't bring myself to pay the weekly meeting fee to get that annoyed. Everyone there is really very nice, but so far away from my point in life that I don't relate to anyone in the least, which is sort of the whole point of going to the meetings anyway.

Must get myself ready for contracts class. Ugh.

Standing on my own two feet

Sadly, I have no pictures to show for my break and trip back to CA, but I got enough rest that I don't really care. I can't say it was the most blissful and idyllic of vacations, but it was good to be back home, to be with Someone, to work through some stuff, and end up feeling like I'm starting the year more or less on my feet with a good idea of where I'm going and how I'm going to get there.

All of my knit Christmas gifts went over well, which made me feel a lot better about having made everything. I don't know why I have this idea that handmade gifts are of less value and worth than bought things, I should know better by now than to devalue the work of my hands, but I still tend to assume that other people will see a handmade gift as something of less value. Everyone liked their hats and scarves and mittens and wine glass charm things, so that's good.

Somehow or other I've gotten inspired to weave for next year. I visited my favorite wool shop while I was at mom and dad's and they had some little woven rag rug coasters sitting on the counter which gave me all kinds of ideas. God knows I have enough fabric scraps to make a good pile of these for gifts next year. Maybe coasters, trivets, and table runners will be the project of choice. It's something different anyway, and will give me a chance to experiment with some new things.

I had two interviews for internships while I was out in CA, both of which went really well. One was with a company that does not actually have an internship program, but wants to try to put something together for me. Hurray! I really liked that group, by the end they were asking me if I wanted to come work with them and giving me all kinds of great tips for picking classes next term, so I think it went well. The best part is the office is about 5 miles down the road from Someone's house, which is convenient.

I've also been baking a lot of bread. Mom got me a great bread book for Christmas, which has been really helpful. I didn't have all the equipment I need at Someone's house, but I was able to apply some of the methods from the book and it improved the bread tremendously. I'm getting much better texture, nice crusts, and I think I'm starting to understand what's going on with the whole bread making process better so I've been able to adapt a few recipes quite successfully.

For now, it's back to school work, financial insolvency (where the hell is my loan refund check?! I have rent to pay people!), and the never ending battle to adjust to the weather out here, but somehow I feel like I'm able to stand again. The fear and terror of everything that I've been dealing with has been taking a toll on every aspect of my life, and I'm tired of it. As I was telling Someone the other night, we both of us have taken a huge leap, picking up and moving to new places and starting new and difficult things. We just didn't figure on what would happen when we landed in the new place, how broken and battered we'd be by the fall. I know it'll never be at hard as last semester was again, and that is a very comforting thought.