After all the chaos and craziness of the last few months, things seem to settling down into an uncertain sort of calm. I don't quite trust it yet, but nothing terrible has happened since I got the whole poverty thing figured out, and the quiet, peaceful moments are coming closer together and lasting longer than they have in a long time.
Of course, now I am bored. Without 782 things to get done and worry about, I don't quite know what to do with myself. That's resulted in a fair amount of domestic productivity. I sewed a dress and a skirt over the weekend, baked cookies, did some knitting on the Rockstar Cardigan, laundry, and of course Kendo. Plus dinner and a movie with the LYM and some house work, interview suit shopping and lunch with H. Maybe I am less bored and more lonely. Having a quiet moment or evening is great and all, but I think I'm getting to the point where I'd rather share it with someone. Even if we're both doing our own quiet thing, doing it with someone else in the room feels better for some reason.
I had a pretty good interview at CW for a tour guide job, which, sadly, would not involve the wearing of costumes, but might be fun anyway. I met with the guy on Friday, and had to go back Monday for an audition sort of thing, which I think went ok. We'll see. He should call back in the next day or two.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Friday, May 26, 2006
Oh hallelujah!
My boss saved me! And saved me in a far more comfortable manner than I expected. I do not actually have to work 70 hour weeks all summer if I don't want to. That being said, I got a call back from CW about a tour guide job, which would fit perfectly in to my summer and fall schedule, and would pay enough to make life quite comfortable, at least by my current standards, for the next academic year. I interview this afternoon.
I got a new used car, the donation people finally called me back about the old car (after more than 2 weeks, what gives with that?), so I will soon have my plates back, work is going ok, my Contracts grade was tons better than my Con Law grade, so the bad grade can easily be chalked up to the broke car/broken CD-RW/broken SIL situation and not to my ineptitude as a lawyer, and I am starting to get some ideas about what I want to do when I get out of school. So yay!
Life is gonna be ok. It's been a hellish year, and sometimes it's felt like everything I've touched has turned to ash, but I've got this far and there's no use in turning back now. I can breath again, I can eat and pay rent and put gas in the car, giving me the spare cycles to focus on me and recover from everything I've put myself through.
Because I am the queen of technical difficulties, my digital camera seems to have broken. I went to take pictures of several things this only to find that the camera will turn on but the screen remains blank. Nice. Hopefully this is fixable, but I'm not overly worried about it.
So, there are no pictures of FO's today, but I can report on my latest (paying!!) knitting project. I'm making the Rockstar cardigan from Alchemy Yarns for a friend back home, using an alpaca and silk yarn from KnitPicks. I had a hell of a time with it last night, starting and ripping back several times before I got the gauge issues worked out. Because I am substituting yarn and my tension always does wired and unpredictable things when I knit lace, this was annoying but I've got the problem worked out, enough knit to know the back is the right size for the body it will go on, and I'm ready to go nuts with it. My only comment about the pattern so far is that the graphs for the lace are really hard to read, particularly since they printed them on red paper, but it's not that bad once you get going and can see the logic of the pattern. It's actually an easy lace pattern, the graph is just miserable.
The Prairie Tunic from IK turned out quite well, but way too big. Again with the whole yarn substituting/lace stitch/tension problem. Although my tension seems to be right, the tunic is just too big. I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do about this, it looks ok over jeans, and I think I can block it out once I wash it so it's longer but narrower. We'll see. Right now it feels like a floppy sack but that might not really be a bad thing. Just not so good for work and not my usual style.
Now if I could just stop obsessively checking to see if the rest of my grades have been posted yet...they are all due today, but I only have 2 left that aren't reported (Criminal Law and Property), neither of which I have any idea about. Gah. Hurry up people!
I got a new used car, the donation people finally called me back about the old car (after more than 2 weeks, what gives with that?), so I will soon have my plates back, work is going ok, my Contracts grade was tons better than my Con Law grade, so the bad grade can easily be chalked up to the broke car/broken CD-RW/broken SIL situation and not to my ineptitude as a lawyer, and I am starting to get some ideas about what I want to do when I get out of school. So yay!
Life is gonna be ok. It's been a hellish year, and sometimes it's felt like everything I've touched has turned to ash, but I've got this far and there's no use in turning back now. I can breath again, I can eat and pay rent and put gas in the car, giving me the spare cycles to focus on me and recover from everything I've put myself through.
Because I am the queen of technical difficulties, my digital camera seems to have broken. I went to take pictures of several things this only to find that the camera will turn on but the screen remains blank. Nice. Hopefully this is fixable, but I'm not overly worried about it.
So, there are no pictures of FO's today, but I can report on my latest (paying!!) knitting project. I'm making the Rockstar cardigan from Alchemy Yarns for a friend back home, using an alpaca and silk yarn from KnitPicks. I had a hell of a time with it last night, starting and ripping back several times before I got the gauge issues worked out. Because I am substituting yarn and my tension always does wired and unpredictable things when I knit lace, this was annoying but I've got the problem worked out, enough knit to know the back is the right size for the body it will go on, and I'm ready to go nuts with it. My only comment about the pattern so far is that the graphs for the lace are really hard to read, particularly since they printed them on red paper, but it's not that bad once you get going and can see the logic of the pattern. It's actually an easy lace pattern, the graph is just miserable.
The Prairie Tunic from IK turned out quite well, but way too big. Again with the whole yarn substituting/lace stitch/tension problem. Although my tension seems to be right, the tunic is just too big. I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do about this, it looks ok over jeans, and I think I can block it out once I wash it so it's longer but narrower. We'll see. Right now it feels like a floppy sack but that might not really be a bad thing. Just not so good for work and not my usual style.
Now if I could just stop obsessively checking to see if the rest of my grades have been posted yet...they are all due today, but I only have 2 left that aren't reported (Criminal Law and Property), neither of which I have any idea about. Gah. Hurry up people!
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Perspective?
It's been a rough few weeks. Since I got my Con Law grade last week, early I might add, it's been worse. I had thought, I had pinned so much on, things getting better once exams ended. But somehow getting my grade in that class has thrown me big time. All of the stress and anxiety and pain just isn't worth it if I give it my all and this is all I get.
On the other hand, the stress and pain and anxiety probably had more than a little to do with my less than ideal performance. I can think of a hundred reasons why I have not been performing like I should be, like I expect myself to. But somehow I've lost perspective and I'm having a hard time finding anything that helps. It's just too much. I can't take anymore. I'm broken down and tired and worn out and I can't take anymore.
That being said, my boss found out what's been going on today and seems to think he may be able to find a solution. Which would not involve working for 70 hours a week or debt I cannot hope to repay. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, and trying to let it go and trust in the universe at the same time. I have to learn to let people help me and not let my misplaced sense of pride get in the way. And I have to learn to trust people.
Work is starting to get interesting. I helping design the curriculum for an electronic discovery class. I know nothing about discovery (see how much good my civil procedure class did me last semester?), but I'm excited about this. I should be able to learn a lot. I should also probably enroll in the class, seeing as if I can't get an A in a class I did the materials for...well...that would just be sad.
My other work assignment is figuring out what I want to be when I grow up. This is the far more daunting of the two tasks, especially given that I have a near total lack of confidence in my abilities as a legal professional at this point, but certainly the more important. I just have no idea. I keep thinking of things and then thinking "no, that won't work. My grades are such rubbish, I'll never get a job in that field." Clearly, that must stop. I need a goal, a plan, something, so I can stay on the path.
I have been getting a good amount of knitting done. I finished the Prairie Tunic from the spring IK, and have picked up a lace bed jacket thing I've had on needles for months. I had a bunch of cotton yarn left over from the tunic, so I knitted and crocheted a string bag for myself out of the left over. I love hippie-assed string bags. They are kind of ridiculous, but being out here so far from my hippie-assed roots, I feel a little more at home carying my lunch of my dogi around in one. Plus they make good eco-friendly grocery bags, so yay for me. I have a new commission that I'll be starting on as soon as the yarn gets here too, so there's plenty to keep me busy and out of the cookie jar in the evenings.
Speaking of cookies jars...I've been really trying to focus on my diet and getting back on the WW track. I want to be at my goal when I turn 30 in September. It's pretty easy to not over-eat when you can't go out and grab a burger or whatever junk you want, and I've been making a progress in that area if nothing else. Once I have money again and buy vegetables, it should be ok. I've done this before, I know I have to tools to do it again, I just have to stick to it, believe in myself, and stay focused. All 3 things I've been having a hard time with in other areas of my life, but maybe success in this will help me in other things.
On the other hand, the stress and pain and anxiety probably had more than a little to do with my less than ideal performance. I can think of a hundred reasons why I have not been performing like I should be, like I expect myself to. But somehow I've lost perspective and I'm having a hard time finding anything that helps. It's just too much. I can't take anymore. I'm broken down and tired and worn out and I can't take anymore.
That being said, my boss found out what's been going on today and seems to think he may be able to find a solution. Which would not involve working for 70 hours a week or debt I cannot hope to repay. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, and trying to let it go and trust in the universe at the same time. I have to learn to let people help me and not let my misplaced sense of pride get in the way. And I have to learn to trust people.
Work is starting to get interesting. I helping design the curriculum for an electronic discovery class. I know nothing about discovery (see how much good my civil procedure class did me last semester?), but I'm excited about this. I should be able to learn a lot. I should also probably enroll in the class, seeing as if I can't get an A in a class I did the materials for...well...that would just be sad.
My other work assignment is figuring out what I want to be when I grow up. This is the far more daunting of the two tasks, especially given that I have a near total lack of confidence in my abilities as a legal professional at this point, but certainly the more important. I just have no idea. I keep thinking of things and then thinking "no, that won't work. My grades are such rubbish, I'll never get a job in that field." Clearly, that must stop. I need a goal, a plan, something, so I can stay on the path.
I have been getting a good amount of knitting done. I finished the Prairie Tunic from the spring IK, and have picked up a lace bed jacket thing I've had on needles for months. I had a bunch of cotton yarn left over from the tunic, so I knitted and crocheted a string bag for myself out of the left over. I love hippie-assed string bags. They are kind of ridiculous, but being out here so far from my hippie-assed roots, I feel a little more at home carying my lunch of my dogi around in one. Plus they make good eco-friendly grocery bags, so yay for me. I have a new commission that I'll be starting on as soon as the yarn gets here too, so there's plenty to keep me busy and out of the cookie jar in the evenings.
Speaking of cookies jars...I've been really trying to focus on my diet and getting back on the WW track. I want to be at my goal when I turn 30 in September. It's pretty easy to not over-eat when you can't go out and grab a burger or whatever junk you want, and I've been making a progress in that area if nothing else. Once I have money again and buy vegetables, it should be ok. I've done this before, I know I have to tools to do it again, I just have to stick to it, believe in myself, and stay focused. All 3 things I've been having a hard time with in other areas of my life, but maybe success in this will help me in other things.
Saturday, May 20, 2006
What in the hell am I doing?
So, I got my Con Law grade yesterday. It's...well...very demoralizing. I tried. I tried so hard...and it just wasn't enough.
Maybe I just don't want this enough. Maybe I don't have what it takes. I don't know. But whatever it is, it's just not enough. I am tired, I am lonely, and I did my best and it wasn't enough.
I don't know how much more I can give. I don't have anything much left, I can't pay rent or buy groceries, I left everything I knew and my life behind, and for what?
Maybe I just don't want this enough. Maybe I don't have what it takes. I don't know. But whatever it is, it's just not enough. I am tired, I am lonely, and I did my best and it wasn't enough.
I don't know how much more I can give. I don't have anything much left, I can't pay rent or buy groceries, I left everything I knew and my life behind, and for what?
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Fiber and Martial Arts
The mad spinning on the merino/angora/silk stuff carries on. I love working this fiber blend, but the angora gets all over the place and I really want to be plying so I can start on something new. Something with some color maybe. I have more of the same blend but dyed a really lovely sky blue, that might be a fun one to try next. Now that I think of it, it might be fun to ply that with the white and have a sort of tweedy looking yarn when I'm done...I shall have to think about this. I had sort of thought I might try doing some natural dying with the white but the tweedy look might be nice. Too many options!
Aikido is still on hiatus, so I've started taking kendo through the same group that runs the aikido class at school. I have to drive 45 minutes away to get to class once a week, but it's totally worth it. Who knew I'd be this excited about martial arts? I think part of it is that it's a really good stress reducer to hit things with bamboo swords and punch walls and toss people all over the place, plus the physical activity is good relief, but it's more than that too. This is the one thing that I do where I am not being measured against my classmates every step of the way and where I get constructive and instant feedback on my understanding of whatever we are doing. Cultivating my ki and general awareness is also hugely helpful. I feel more able to cope when I am practicing regularly, partly because I'm more able to get myself focused.
This research assisting job I have for the summer is interesting. Right now I'm working on editing page proofs for a book on court-martial procedure, which is very tedious work, and the fact that I have yet to find a clean page should tell you something, seeing as I can't edit anything for crap in general. The only problem with this job is that is 1 - does not pay enough to cover food and rent at the same time and 2 - I won't get paid until June 16th at best, which makes it difficult to pay rent for June and put gas in the car and feed myself. So I am looking for another job on the side, and having very little luck with it. I have a couple of leads which look promising, so think happy thoughts for me!
Oh! The big news is that I get to go to TNNA in Indianapolis with my friend from back home who runs KnitWhits. This should be a lot of fun. I get a free trip out of town, and I get to see all the new products and things coming out in the knitting and needlework world. I'll be working at the KnitWhits table for pretty much the whole weekend, so if you happen to be an industry person who will be there come by and say hi!
Aikido is still on hiatus, so I've started taking kendo through the same group that runs the aikido class at school. I have to drive 45 minutes away to get to class once a week, but it's totally worth it. Who knew I'd be this excited about martial arts? I think part of it is that it's a really good stress reducer to hit things with bamboo swords and punch walls and toss people all over the place, plus the physical activity is good relief, but it's more than that too. This is the one thing that I do where I am not being measured against my classmates every step of the way and where I get constructive and instant feedback on my understanding of whatever we are doing. Cultivating my ki and general awareness is also hugely helpful. I feel more able to cope when I am practicing regularly, partly because I'm more able to get myself focused.
This research assisting job I have for the summer is interesting. Right now I'm working on editing page proofs for a book on court-martial procedure, which is very tedious work, and the fact that I have yet to find a clean page should tell you something, seeing as I can't edit anything for crap in general. The only problem with this job is that is 1 - does not pay enough to cover food and rent at the same time and 2 - I won't get paid until June 16th at best, which makes it difficult to pay rent for June and put gas in the car and feed myself. So I am looking for another job on the side, and having very little luck with it. I have a couple of leads which look promising, so think happy thoughts for me!
Oh! The big news is that I get to go to TNNA in Indianapolis with my friend from back home who runs KnitWhits. This should be a lot of fun. I get a free trip out of town, and I get to see all the new products and things coming out in the knitting and needlework world. I'll be working at the KnitWhits table for pretty much the whole weekend, so if you happen to be an industry person who will be there come by and say hi!
Monday, May 15, 2006
It's Alive!
I survived finals! I have no idea how it went, aside from I lived. I guess I'll know in a few weeks, somehow I don't really care right now. I did my best, and that's just going to have to be enough.
In other school news, I opted to not do the whole journal thing. I just couldn't stand the idea of being stuck doing cite checks for the next two years at the expense of what's left of my social life. Maybe I have screwed up priorities, but I'd rather be shooting myself in the foot professionaly than shooting myself in the head at the end before I even graduate.
I even have actual knitting news! The purple Starburst Sweater of Doom is done! I had to change the back central medallion thing, the length of fronts (so they would match the back, concept!), and I hated the ribbed sleeves (which also weren't long enough) so I frogged them and did plain knit sleeves with ruffled cuffs to match the body of the sweater. It looks much better I think, sort of like a ruffly purple gi top actually. I'll try to get some pictures of it posted soon. Over all, the pattern is a bit of a disaster but the end results are pretty good. I'm still trying to decide if they were worth the pattern confusion, but I am happy with the sweater.
I'm currently working on the Prairie Tunic from the spring issue of Interweave Knits. So far, so good. Of course, I am not using the recommended yarn. I went with Shine from KnitPicks, which I really like. Normally cotton yarn is a misery to me, but this is working up quite nicely without snags or anything. It's all done on tiny assed size 3 needles, so it's a bit tedious, but I'm moving along pretty quickly and it's a small top so it shouldn't be too interminable a project. I've got some other UFO's to work on inbetween, all of which are on tiny needles as well for some reason (what's with that anyway?), but they are good summer projects.
I also finally got my wheel pulled out from the corner and having been diligently working away at the silk/merino/angora blend I've been working on for what feels like a hundred years. I should have just one bobbin left to fill with singles, then I'm going to Navajo ply it I think. It should work out to something around a worsted weight yarn, maybe a little on the heavy side, but it should good for a scarf and hat set for the winter. Or something, we'll see. I'm not really worried about what I'm going to do with this stuff at this point.
In other school news, I opted to not do the whole journal thing. I just couldn't stand the idea of being stuck doing cite checks for the next two years at the expense of what's left of my social life. Maybe I have screwed up priorities, but I'd rather be shooting myself in the foot professionaly than shooting myself in the head at the end before I even graduate.
I even have actual knitting news! The purple Starburst Sweater of Doom is done! I had to change the back central medallion thing, the length of fronts (so they would match the back, concept!), and I hated the ribbed sleeves (which also weren't long enough) so I frogged them and did plain knit sleeves with ruffled cuffs to match the body of the sweater. It looks much better I think, sort of like a ruffly purple gi top actually. I'll try to get some pictures of it posted soon. Over all, the pattern is a bit of a disaster but the end results are pretty good. I'm still trying to decide if they were worth the pattern confusion, but I am happy with the sweater.
I'm currently working on the Prairie Tunic from the spring issue of Interweave Knits. So far, so good. Of course, I am not using the recommended yarn. I went with Shine from KnitPicks, which I really like. Normally cotton yarn is a misery to me, but this is working up quite nicely without snags or anything. It's all done on tiny assed size 3 needles, so it's a bit tedious, but I'm moving along pretty quickly and it's a small top so it shouldn't be too interminable a project. I've got some other UFO's to work on inbetween, all of which are on tiny needles as well for some reason (what's with that anyway?), but they are good summer projects.
I also finally got my wheel pulled out from the corner and having been diligently working away at the silk/merino/angora blend I've been working on for what feels like a hundred years. I should have just one bobbin left to fill with singles, then I'm going to Navajo ply it I think. It should work out to something around a worsted weight yarn, maybe a little on the heavy side, but it should good for a scarf and hat set for the winter. Or something, we'll see. I'm not really worried about what I'm going to do with this stuff at this point.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
The Great Yelp of Freedom
Hurray!! I am done with my last final. I am no longer a 1L.
Now, I shall lie on the floor and contemplate the ceiling.
Now, I shall lie on the floor and contemplate the ceiling.
Quick update
My last 1L final is in 4 and a half hours. I am terrified. I couldn't fall asleep last night, woke up at 2, then again at 5:30 and had no luck at all getting back to sleep. So here I am on campus, at 8:30 in the morning, having been here for an hour trying to get some last minute review done and having absolutely no luck. gah. This exam is shaping up to be a huge disaster.
My car is dead. Or at least, that's what the mechanic seemed to think. The transmission apparently is all locked up and needs rebuilding, which he can't do, so I have to take it to the dealer or a transmission shop. I'll call the dealer tomorrow, but given that something is not right with the coolant system and the whole car shakes when you decelerate, I think it's just a lost cause. This is a very bad thing. But there is some hope I can get some help from my grandma and get a new car (new to me anyway). We'll see. Without a car my situation this summer is going to be pretty painful.
At least this last exam will be over at 4. That's something. Then I can pedal my ass back home and crash.
p.s. just got off the phone with the local pontiac dealer...it's going to cost at least $2500 to get this car working and safe again. So much for the pontiac. Anyone know of any high school auto shop classes that need a grand am in the Williamsburg area?
My car is dead. Or at least, that's what the mechanic seemed to think. The transmission apparently is all locked up and needs rebuilding, which he can't do, so I have to take it to the dealer or a transmission shop. I'll call the dealer tomorrow, but given that something is not right with the coolant system and the whole car shakes when you decelerate, I think it's just a lost cause. This is a very bad thing. But there is some hope I can get some help from my grandma and get a new car (new to me anyway). We'll see. Without a car my situation this summer is going to be pretty painful.
At least this last exam will be over at 4. That's something. Then I can pedal my ass back home and crash.
p.s. just got off the phone with the local pontiac dealer...it's going to cost at least $2500 to get this car working and safe again. So much for the pontiac. Anyone know of any high school auto shop classes that need a grand am in the Williamsburg area?
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Spring cleaning
I'm at least trying to clean out my book cases and probably eventually a closet or two. As I find things I don't want or need, I am trying to convert them into much needed cash. I'll be posting books and yarn and others things on Google Base, http://base.google.com/base/a/Duchess.Grace
So far, I have some knitting books and law school study aids posted, but more will be coming over the next week or so I am sure as I sort through things.
In other news...I have one exam left! My contracts final is at 1 on Thursday. I can hardly wait for that to be over. Contracts was my worst class last semester, and I wish I could say I felt ok going in to the exam but no amount of preparation is calming me down. I finished the outline this morning and have to review that and my other materials tonight and tomorrow in between naps and trips to the post office, mechanic, and book store to sell back my text books.
I still have no idea how I am going to pay rent and fix my car, but I'll figure something out. With luck, I'll be able to start my under-paying research job next week, and will at least be able to eat. That would be nice. I really hate being poor. Selling my possessions on line will only get me so far towards rent and a functional car.
So far, I have some knitting books and law school study aids posted, but more will be coming over the next week or so I am sure as I sort through things.
In other news...I have one exam left! My contracts final is at 1 on Thursday. I can hardly wait for that to be over. Contracts was my worst class last semester, and I wish I could say I felt ok going in to the exam but no amount of preparation is calming me down. I finished the outline this morning and have to review that and my other materials tonight and tomorrow in between naps and trips to the post office, mechanic, and book store to sell back my text books.
I still have no idea how I am going to pay rent and fix my car, but I'll figure something out. With luck, I'll be able to start my under-paying research job next week, and will at least be able to eat. That would be nice. I really hate being poor. Selling my possessions on line will only get me so far towards rent and a functional car.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Well I survived...
...my con law final and my first aikido belt test. The exam...well...asking how I feel about it is useless but I lived, and it was exhausting. The belt test was about what you would expect it to be considering I was so exhausted I was fighting back tears, our instructor hasn't been there for the last 2 practices, we found out about the test requirements Monday, and I've only been at this since spring break. Apparently I got a stripe on my white belt, which I am told is a good thing and not totally pathetic, but I feel like crap for some reason. I was too tired and stressed about everything that's going badly right now that I wasn't really as present as I should have been. So much for the whole no mind thing.
I have today to prepare for criminal law and contracts, which are next week, and tomorrow I focus entirely on property, since that test is Friday morning. At 9 am. I hope it doesn't rain, since I have to bike over to campus for the exam.
I have today to prepare for criminal law and contracts, which are next week, and tomorrow I focus entirely on property, since that test is Friday morning. At 9 am. I hope it doesn't rain, since I have to bike over to campus for the exam.
Monday, April 24, 2006
Things that suck when you have a huge exam in 29 hours
1 - you wake up nice and on time, decide to test your CD-RW drive just to be sure, and end up spending 5 hours troubleshooting the driver
2 - you find out the problem was a very simple preference setting
3 - your sister in law gets in a bike wreck and ends up having to have surgery on her wrist
4 - you discover one of your print drivers is missing and spend an hour trying to find a driver for a printer which is longer supported by the manufacturer. Then have to troubleshoot that for 20 minutes.
5 - you are flat broke
6 - your car will no longer shift in to any gear at all
7 - see #5. Can't go to the mechanic. Or the study group for the exam which is now 17 hours away.
Oh, and I have a belt test in aikido tomorrow after the final of doom, no way to get there (see about re:car), and my knee is inexplicably swollen.
All I really have the energy left to do right now is sob.
2 - you find out the problem was a very simple preference setting
3 - your sister in law gets in a bike wreck and ends up having to have surgery on her wrist
4 - you discover one of your print drivers is missing and spend an hour trying to find a driver for a printer which is longer supported by the manufacturer. Then have to troubleshoot that for 20 minutes.
5 - you are flat broke
6 - your car will no longer shift in to any gear at all
7 - see #5. Can't go to the mechanic. Or the study group for the exam which is now 17 hours away.
Oh, and I have a belt test in aikido tomorrow after the final of doom, no way to get there (see about re:car), and my knee is inexplicably swollen.
All I really have the energy left to do right now is sob.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Rough week
It's been a bad couple of weeks. The closer I get to exams, the less able to cope with life I seem to get. Of course, it hardly helps that I made a gross miscalculation and am now beyond broke. At least I have a couple of leads for an extra part time summer job. Yay for 60 hour weeks all summer, that should be nice and relaxing. It'd be one thing if I'd be making enough to actually save some money, but I have to do that just to subsist. How sad. I hate being poor.
The one thing keeping me sane is the LYM. I'm terribly afraid that he's going to get tired of me and chuck me, but focusing on that just causes me to push him away which means he gets tired of me, and it's a nasty self-fulfilling sort of thing and not good for anyway. So, yeah, stopping that. He seems to have a pretty good understanding of the whole school and money stress situation and the impact that has on me, and is being really supportive and wonderful, so I need to just not worry about it and enjoy it.
I had a really bad night at Aikido last night. My foreword break-falls suck the big one, not for any lack of ability but because of paralytic fear. Which just makes the whole thing hurt more. I think a lot of my life fears are the real problem and not some ingrained fear of falling down. When I get thrown quickly and don't have time to think about it and get all worked up, I'm fine. In fact, I don't even feel it. I don't know what the exact solution is, I guess just keep practicing.
I've found another major problem with the Starburst Sweater. It seems that the collar directions repeat themselves, which will confuse the pants off you if you don't re-read it about 15 times and have a pretty good understanding of how shawl collars are supposed to work in general. I have no idea if the solution I came up with is what they expected, but it seemed to work so I'm going with it. The collar is done, and I'm to the sleeves. So far, no issues with that, but we'll see. I'm looking forward to this being done, hopefully before it warms up and I can't wear it for months.
The one thing keeping me sane is the LYM. I'm terribly afraid that he's going to get tired of me and chuck me, but focusing on that just causes me to push him away which means he gets tired of me, and it's a nasty self-fulfilling sort of thing and not good for anyway. So, yeah, stopping that. He seems to have a pretty good understanding of the whole school and money stress situation and the impact that has on me, and is being really supportive and wonderful, so I need to just not worry about it and enjoy it.
I had a really bad night at Aikido last night. My foreword break-falls suck the big one, not for any lack of ability but because of paralytic fear. Which just makes the whole thing hurt more. I think a lot of my life fears are the real problem and not some ingrained fear of falling down. When I get thrown quickly and don't have time to think about it and get all worked up, I'm fine. In fact, I don't even feel it. I don't know what the exact solution is, I guess just keep practicing.
I've found another major problem with the Starburst Sweater. It seems that the collar directions repeat themselves, which will confuse the pants off you if you don't re-read it about 15 times and have a pretty good understanding of how shawl collars are supposed to work in general. I have no idea if the solution I came up with is what they expected, but it seemed to work so I'm going with it. The collar is done, and I'm to the sleeves. So far, no issues with that, but we'll see. I'm looking forward to this being done, hopefully before it warms up and I can't wear it for months.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Throw yourself at the ground and miss?
Or at least something like that. We learned forward break falls on Sunday and I am still sore. Why in the world anyone thinks it will be a trivial thing to fling myself head long into the floor, putting "more energy" in to it as I go along, I really don't know. At least I seemed to be getting it towards the end. Sempai said my form was good, I just need "more energy," which as far as I can tell means more thrust, as in jump over my head and into the mat harder. Ouch? The whole thing is very counter-intuitive and goes completely against my innate sense of self-preservation but there you go. It does hurt less if you do it right, but it's very hard to get my head to believe this.
I saw a cute little frolicking squirrel get hit by a car yesterday morning, that made me very sad. He was cute and the car didn't even slow down. Poor little guy, he had to drag his poor broken self off the road and I have no idea what happened to him. I felt bad for not picking up and taking him someplace, but I somehow don't think putting a broken squirrel in my car and driving all over Williamsburg in search of a squirrel hospital would have helped much. But still.
Not much else is going on. I ache. The LYM is getting lovelier every day, and the whole thing is getting less scary by the day. I survived a major thunder storm all by myself last night without any major freak outs. And the finals are coming and I just don't care. I've pretty much concluded that I don't care much about an actual career, if I can just get through this year I'll deal with my situation as it is and figure something out for the future. Ugh. If only someone had a hot tub I could soak in.
I got the other front section of the Starburst Sweater done last night during the thunder storm and started on the lower body "ruffle." This alleged ruffle is really just 2x2 ribbing, sort of gathered in at the top with a bunch of extra yarn overs. It looks pretty cool actually and show flare out nicely over my hips once it's done. It just takes forever to knit a row, since it's in ribbing, is ruffly, and goes clear around the sweater which has a cross over front. Gah. At least it does not have to be too deep. If I am good, I should be able to sit down and knit long enough to finish the ruffle this weekend, then it's on to the collar and the sleeves and I am done! Just in time for summer, when it's too hot to put on socks, never mind a sweater.
I saw a cute little frolicking squirrel get hit by a car yesterday morning, that made me very sad. He was cute and the car didn't even slow down. Poor little guy, he had to drag his poor broken self off the road and I have no idea what happened to him. I felt bad for not picking up and taking him someplace, but I somehow don't think putting a broken squirrel in my car and driving all over Williamsburg in search of a squirrel hospital would have helped much. But still.
Not much else is going on. I ache. The LYM is getting lovelier every day, and the whole thing is getting less scary by the day. I survived a major thunder storm all by myself last night without any major freak outs. And the finals are coming and I just don't care. I've pretty much concluded that I don't care much about an actual career, if I can just get through this year I'll deal with my situation as it is and figure something out for the future. Ugh. If only someone had a hot tub I could soak in.
I got the other front section of the Starburst Sweater done last night during the thunder storm and started on the lower body "ruffle." This alleged ruffle is really just 2x2 ribbing, sort of gathered in at the top with a bunch of extra yarn overs. It looks pretty cool actually and show flare out nicely over my hips once it's done. It just takes forever to knit a row, since it's in ribbing, is ruffly, and goes clear around the sweater which has a cross over front. Gah. At least it does not have to be too deep. If I am good, I should be able to sit down and knit long enough to finish the ruffle this weekend, then it's on to the collar and the sleeves and I am done! Just in time for summer, when it's too hot to put on socks, never mind a sweater.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
Rescue me
This has been a bad week. At least it has been bad in my head, I'm more full of self-doubt and uncertainty than I have been in a long time. I suspect it's just the cumulative effect of the semester, but I feel as though what self confidence I had left has been undercut to the point that just functioning in the most basic sense is a huge victory.
It doesn't really help that I've been thinking about my long term goals. I need goals, I need to know what I am working towards. The goals I had set out for myself at the start of law school are either unattainable because of my less than stellar grades or so uncertain that they hinder more than help. And in some respects I really have no idea what I want. Do I really want a high-flying legal career? I don't think I do. At least not at the expense of the rest of my life. At the moment, I just want to run away from it all and hide someplace dark and safe, but that's not going to get me through exams.
In other news, I've started a crazy quilt. I made a quilt once, when I was about 12, but that's the extent of my quilt making experience, aside from helping ladies pick out fabrics when I was in college and working in a fabric store with a huge selection of quilting fabrics. As a result, I have a nice little collection of quilting cotton. In addition to that I have tons of scraps left over from various projects and swatches and bits and pieces I've collected. Not so many as I had before the move out here, but still enough to put together a respectable collection of random bits to piece together into a crazy quilt. I started last night and already have 4 squares done. Hurray! It's actually a lot of fun, and goes much faster than I had thought it would. I suppose it helps that crazy quilts can be totally random, I don't have to plan out to much other than the size of my blocks. The perfect project for me right now, it's very zen in a way. I just pick up bits and put them together and let the colors and shapes flow. No thinking, just reacting.
Aikido is going well, I think. It's a little hard to say for sure at this point since the instructor has been out for the last few classes, but the bruises are getting to be much less and I'm able to get up from break falls much faster and in a more organized manner. If I just let myself react to whatever is happening it seems to be much easer. Maybe this will help me to deal with my over-thinking problems some too.
It doesn't really help that I've been thinking about my long term goals. I need goals, I need to know what I am working towards. The goals I had set out for myself at the start of law school are either unattainable because of my less than stellar grades or so uncertain that they hinder more than help. And in some respects I really have no idea what I want. Do I really want a high-flying legal career? I don't think I do. At least not at the expense of the rest of my life. At the moment, I just want to run away from it all and hide someplace dark and safe, but that's not going to get me through exams.
In other news, I've started a crazy quilt. I made a quilt once, when I was about 12, but that's the extent of my quilt making experience, aside from helping ladies pick out fabrics when I was in college and working in a fabric store with a huge selection of quilting fabrics. As a result, I have a nice little collection of quilting cotton. In addition to that I have tons of scraps left over from various projects and swatches and bits and pieces I've collected. Not so many as I had before the move out here, but still enough to put together a respectable collection of random bits to piece together into a crazy quilt. I started last night and already have 4 squares done. Hurray! It's actually a lot of fun, and goes much faster than I had thought it would. I suppose it helps that crazy quilts can be totally random, I don't have to plan out to much other than the size of my blocks. The perfect project for me right now, it's very zen in a way. I just pick up bits and put them together and let the colors and shapes flow. No thinking, just reacting.
Aikido is going well, I think. It's a little hard to say for sure at this point since the instructor has been out for the last few classes, but the bruises are getting to be much less and I'm able to get up from break falls much faster and in a more organized manner. If I just let myself react to whatever is happening it seems to be much easer. Maybe this will help me to deal with my over-thinking problems some too.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Not much to report
Just a quick update to say I have no real updates. Things are chugging along, I still lack motivation as far as school goes. I really hate school actually, but that's ok. It'll get better, or end, sooner or later. At least I got registered for all the classes I wanted next semester, that helps a bit.
I haven't been doing a great deal of knitting. The first front section of the Starburst sweater is done, and I found another mistake in the pattern, but it was easily fixed. They did not have you knit enough rows to fit the back to the front, but that's no big deal to correct.
For some reason, I'm feeling a bit sad today, but in a really oddly bouncy way. I'm sick of being stressed, and it's wearing on me, but I have other things going on now that I am actually excited about and can look forward to. I still have more doubt and confusion that I am comfortable with but at least there are bright spots.
I haven't been doing a great deal of knitting. The first front section of the Starburst sweater is done, and I found another mistake in the pattern, but it was easily fixed. They did not have you knit enough rows to fit the back to the front, but that's no big deal to correct.
For some reason, I'm feeling a bit sad today, but in a really oddly bouncy way. I'm sick of being stressed, and it's wearing on me, but I have other things going on now that I am actually excited about and can look forward to. I still have more doubt and confusion that I am comfortable with but at least there are bright spots.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
This is very bad
I am totally 100% uninterested in law school right now. Completely over it. I got called on twice last week, and I have no motivation whatsoever to do any my homework this weekend. Which is A Very Bad Thing, seeing as it's Sunday morning and I have not cracked a book since Friday's Criminal Law class.
At least the stupid memo from hell is done. I probably sucked on it, and will likely not get the honors mark in skills this semester as a result, which is unfortunate since that was the one and only bright spot to my otherwise lack-luster performance last semester, but oh hell, I just don't care.
With any luck I'll get re-motivated about all this sometime very soon. If I don't, I kind of screwed, but again with the not much caring.
I wonder what this is all about? It's not so much as total lack of focus as it is my focus is on other things. My love life (now that I have one again, so much for eschewing all men) for one thing, Aikido for another, the whole process of really trying to live again really.
Anyway, must get back to fixing my computer. The LYM helped me scrub it this weekend, so it should be running faster, but I'm still missing some apps and iTunes won't run for some reason which confounds us all. blegh. And I still have to do my homework. Damn it.
At least the stupid memo from hell is done. I probably sucked on it, and will likely not get the honors mark in skills this semester as a result, which is unfortunate since that was the one and only bright spot to my otherwise lack-luster performance last semester, but oh hell, I just don't care.
With any luck I'll get re-motivated about all this sometime very soon. If I don't, I kind of screwed, but again with the not much caring.
I wonder what this is all about? It's not so much as total lack of focus as it is my focus is on other things. My love life (now that I have one again, so much for eschewing all men) for one thing, Aikido for another, the whole process of really trying to live again really.
Anyway, must get back to fixing my computer. The LYM helped me scrub it this weekend, so it should be running faster, but I'm still missing some apps and iTunes won't run for some reason which confounds us all. blegh. And I still have to do my homework. Damn it.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Battered and bruised
...but this time in a really good way. I did my first ever Aikido class last night, and man does it ever feel good! I have at least 8 bruises that I've found so far, and I am proud of each and every one of them. I've been running around showing them off like badges of honor. I have another class tomorrow. My arms should be really interesting looking on Friday, although with luck I've worked out how to fall a little better so I'll up with less massive black and blue patches on my forearms. And I've also learned that sports bras with hooks in the back are a Very Bad Idea, so I won't be getting more of the gougey looking marks on my back. At least from that.
Other than Aikido, I have nothing new to report really. School carries on, it's driving me nuts, but hopefully some regular physical activity will help channel the stress someplace else. I've found a Lovely Young Man to keep me company and out of trouble who doesn't mind that I bring my homework and actually work on it when I go visit him for the weekend or make me feel like rubbish about the choices I've made. The cat is doing well. And I woke up this morning, the second day of a spring, to a land covered in snow. Nice. It felt good to go outside after I beating I gave myself last night.
On the knitting front, I resolved the problem with centering on the back of the Starburst Sweater and have started down the first front section. The pattern really does have some problems. I'm trying to keep track of them of all for my final project wrap-up, but at this point, I think if you are not a fairly experienced and fearless sort of knitter, stay far away from this one until they revise it.
My basic philosophy on pattern difficulty is that nothing is insurmountable if approached with courage and confidence. It's not so much as matter of skill as it is a lack of fear. Small children do things well sometimes because they don't know they can't, and knitters can do the same. The best students I ever had approached projects this way, they never asked how hard it was because they chose not to believe they should be intimidated. It's just string and some sticks after all.
However, even the most intrepid knitter is going to have a hard time with this pattern. The comments people have sent me about it only confirm it (two of the most capable and talented knitters I have ever met had a hell of a time figuring it out). It just goes to show the importance of clear instructions and proof-read patterns.
Anyway, enough semi-coherent rambling. I need to go find more ibuprophen and get to Con Law.
Other than Aikido, I have nothing new to report really. School carries on, it's driving me nuts, but hopefully some regular physical activity will help channel the stress someplace else. I've found a Lovely Young Man to keep me company and out of trouble who doesn't mind that I bring my homework and actually work on it when I go visit him for the weekend or make me feel like rubbish about the choices I've made. The cat is doing well. And I woke up this morning, the second day of a spring, to a land covered in snow. Nice. It felt good to go outside after I beating I gave myself last night.
On the knitting front, I resolved the problem with centering on the back of the Starburst Sweater and have started down the first front section. The pattern really does have some problems. I'm trying to keep track of them of all for my final project wrap-up, but at this point, I think if you are not a fairly experienced and fearless sort of knitter, stay far away from this one until they revise it.
My basic philosophy on pattern difficulty is that nothing is insurmountable if approached with courage and confidence. It's not so much as matter of skill as it is a lack of fear. Small children do things well sometimes because they don't know they can't, and knitters can do the same. The best students I ever had approached projects this way, they never asked how hard it was because they chose not to believe they should be intimidated. It's just string and some sticks after all.
However, even the most intrepid knitter is going to have a hard time with this pattern. The comments people have sent me about it only confirm it (two of the most capable and talented knitters I have ever met had a hell of a time figuring it out). It just goes to show the importance of clear instructions and proof-read patterns.
Anyway, enough semi-coherent rambling. I need to go find more ibuprophen and get to Con Law.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Pattern annoyance
I really hate it when patterns are not right, or maybe they are right but if you follow the directions they don't look like the picture. This happened with the Starburt Sweater I am currently working on last night. Finally, I get to the point where I can divide the back (which is worked in the round, from the center out) for the fronts, only to realize that the last 12 rounds of increases have been set to the wrong point in the central lace panel pattern, which resulted in a very off-center looking start thing in the middle of the back. So first I looked at the pattern so see if I was supposed to knit some extra stitches so everything lined up right...nope, it's just missing that step. How annoying. The problem was easily resolved, but I had rip back to the last round of the star part. grr. I guess it just goes to show that if you think it looks wrong or off somehow the first time, it probably is. Go with your gut.
Aside from the funky off-center star thing, I am warming up to the crazy purple color considerably. Now that there is more of it, it's not so scary and bright looking. Not quite sure how that works, but put next to dark jeans or a black skirt, it's quite a reasonable shade. So yay! My adventure into wild (for me) non-earth tones seem to be paying off.
Quote of the day:
I'll leave it you to guess the source/significance...
Aside from the funky off-center star thing, I am warming up to the crazy purple color considerably. Now that there is more of it, it's not so scary and bright looking. Not quite sure how that works, but put next to dark jeans or a black skirt, it's quite a reasonable shade. So yay! My adventure into wild (for me) non-earth tones seem to be paying off.
Quote of the day:
"In one way or another I've always suffered. I didn't know why exactly. But I do know that I'm not so scared of suffering now. I feel more than I've ever felt and I've found someone to feel with. To play with. To love in a way that feels right for me. I hope he knows that I can see that he suffers too. And that I want to love him."
I'll leave it you to guess the source/significance...
Friday, March 17, 2006
A few key points
1. I have all but resolved to eschew all men. It's just not worth it to keep getting told that I am using law school "as a bull-shit excuse." My heart is just too broken at this point.
2. Criminal law would be quite entertaining were I able to separate the human reality from the cases at hand.
3. I need to get more sleep if I want the hurting to stop.
4. The schedule is working pretty well, for all that I have not managed to stick with it terribly well this week. At least I know what I need to do and when, that helps, even if I've been doing a lot of shuffling of things and feeling generally crappy this week.
5. Whoever wrote my contract case book is a sadist. They seem to take a perverse pleasure in telling you about the exception to the exception before telling you there even is an exception to the rule you may or may not have been able to gather from any one of the several preceding (and unrelated) cases. Gah. And people wonder why I'm stressed. Please.
2. Criminal law would be quite entertaining were I able to separate the human reality from the cases at hand.
3. I need to get more sleep if I want the hurting to stop.
4. The schedule is working pretty well, for all that I have not managed to stick with it terribly well this week. At least I know what I need to do and when, that helps, even if I've been doing a lot of shuffling of things and feeling generally crappy this week.
5. Whoever wrote my contract case book is a sadist. They seem to take a perverse pleasure in telling you about the exception to the exception before telling you there even is an exception to the rule you may or may not have been able to gather from any one of the several preceding (and unrelated) cases. Gah. And people wonder why I'm stressed. Please.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
How sad
I just got a paper cut...on my NOSE.
that's just sad.
*edited to say it was my contracts casebook that did it. just if you wanted to know.
that's just sad.
*edited to say it was my contracts casebook that did it. just if you wanted to know.
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