After all the chaos and craziness of the last few months, things seem to settling down into an uncertain sort of calm. I don't quite trust it yet, but nothing terrible has happened since I got the whole poverty thing figured out, and the quiet, peaceful moments are coming closer together and lasting longer than they have in a long time.
Of course, now I am bored. Without 782 things to get done and worry about, I don't quite know what to do with myself. That's resulted in a fair amount of domestic productivity. I sewed a dress and a skirt over the weekend, baked cookies, did some knitting on the Rockstar Cardigan, laundry, and of course Kendo. Plus dinner and a movie with the LYM and some house work, interview suit shopping and lunch with H. Maybe I am less bored and more lonely. Having a quiet moment or evening is great and all, but I think I'm getting to the point where I'd rather share it with someone. Even if we're both doing our own quiet thing, doing it with someone else in the room feels better for some reason.
I had a pretty good interview at CW for a tour guide job, which, sadly, would not involve the wearing of costumes, but might be fun anyway. I met with the guy on Friday, and had to go back Monday for an audition sort of thing, which I think went ok. We'll see. He should call back in the next day or two.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Friday, May 26, 2006
Oh hallelujah!
My boss saved me! And saved me in a far more comfortable manner than I expected. I do not actually have to work 70 hour weeks all summer if I don't want to. That being said, I got a call back from CW about a tour guide job, which would fit perfectly in to my summer and fall schedule, and would pay enough to make life quite comfortable, at least by my current standards, for the next academic year. I interview this afternoon.
I got a new used car, the donation people finally called me back about the old car (after more than 2 weeks, what gives with that?), so I will soon have my plates back, work is going ok, my Contracts grade was tons better than my Con Law grade, so the bad grade can easily be chalked up to the broke car/broken CD-RW/broken SIL situation and not to my ineptitude as a lawyer, and I am starting to get some ideas about what I want to do when I get out of school. So yay!
Life is gonna be ok. It's been a hellish year, and sometimes it's felt like everything I've touched has turned to ash, but I've got this far and there's no use in turning back now. I can breath again, I can eat and pay rent and put gas in the car, giving me the spare cycles to focus on me and recover from everything I've put myself through.
Because I am the queen of technical difficulties, my digital camera seems to have broken. I went to take pictures of several things this only to find that the camera will turn on but the screen remains blank. Nice. Hopefully this is fixable, but I'm not overly worried about it.
So, there are no pictures of FO's today, but I can report on my latest (paying!!) knitting project. I'm making the Rockstar cardigan from Alchemy Yarns for a friend back home, using an alpaca and silk yarn from KnitPicks. I had a hell of a time with it last night, starting and ripping back several times before I got the gauge issues worked out. Because I am substituting yarn and my tension always does wired and unpredictable things when I knit lace, this was annoying but I've got the problem worked out, enough knit to know the back is the right size for the body it will go on, and I'm ready to go nuts with it. My only comment about the pattern so far is that the graphs for the lace are really hard to read, particularly since they printed them on red paper, but it's not that bad once you get going and can see the logic of the pattern. It's actually an easy lace pattern, the graph is just miserable.
The Prairie Tunic from IK turned out quite well, but way too big. Again with the whole yarn substituting/lace stitch/tension problem. Although my tension seems to be right, the tunic is just too big. I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do about this, it looks ok over jeans, and I think I can block it out once I wash it so it's longer but narrower. We'll see. Right now it feels like a floppy sack but that might not really be a bad thing. Just not so good for work and not my usual style.
Now if I could just stop obsessively checking to see if the rest of my grades have been posted yet...they are all due today, but I only have 2 left that aren't reported (Criminal Law and Property), neither of which I have any idea about. Gah. Hurry up people!
I got a new used car, the donation people finally called me back about the old car (after more than 2 weeks, what gives with that?), so I will soon have my plates back, work is going ok, my Contracts grade was tons better than my Con Law grade, so the bad grade can easily be chalked up to the broke car/broken CD-RW/broken SIL situation and not to my ineptitude as a lawyer, and I am starting to get some ideas about what I want to do when I get out of school. So yay!
Life is gonna be ok. It's been a hellish year, and sometimes it's felt like everything I've touched has turned to ash, but I've got this far and there's no use in turning back now. I can breath again, I can eat and pay rent and put gas in the car, giving me the spare cycles to focus on me and recover from everything I've put myself through.
Because I am the queen of technical difficulties, my digital camera seems to have broken. I went to take pictures of several things this only to find that the camera will turn on but the screen remains blank. Nice. Hopefully this is fixable, but I'm not overly worried about it.
So, there are no pictures of FO's today, but I can report on my latest (paying!!) knitting project. I'm making the Rockstar cardigan from Alchemy Yarns for a friend back home, using an alpaca and silk yarn from KnitPicks. I had a hell of a time with it last night, starting and ripping back several times before I got the gauge issues worked out. Because I am substituting yarn and my tension always does wired and unpredictable things when I knit lace, this was annoying but I've got the problem worked out, enough knit to know the back is the right size for the body it will go on, and I'm ready to go nuts with it. My only comment about the pattern so far is that the graphs for the lace are really hard to read, particularly since they printed them on red paper, but it's not that bad once you get going and can see the logic of the pattern. It's actually an easy lace pattern, the graph is just miserable.
The Prairie Tunic from IK turned out quite well, but way too big. Again with the whole yarn substituting/lace stitch/tension problem. Although my tension seems to be right, the tunic is just too big. I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do about this, it looks ok over jeans, and I think I can block it out once I wash it so it's longer but narrower. We'll see. Right now it feels like a floppy sack but that might not really be a bad thing. Just not so good for work and not my usual style.
Now if I could just stop obsessively checking to see if the rest of my grades have been posted yet...they are all due today, but I only have 2 left that aren't reported (Criminal Law and Property), neither of which I have any idea about. Gah. Hurry up people!
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Perspective?
It's been a rough few weeks. Since I got my Con Law grade last week, early I might add, it's been worse. I had thought, I had pinned so much on, things getting better once exams ended. But somehow getting my grade in that class has thrown me big time. All of the stress and anxiety and pain just isn't worth it if I give it my all and this is all I get.
On the other hand, the stress and pain and anxiety probably had more than a little to do with my less than ideal performance. I can think of a hundred reasons why I have not been performing like I should be, like I expect myself to. But somehow I've lost perspective and I'm having a hard time finding anything that helps. It's just too much. I can't take anymore. I'm broken down and tired and worn out and I can't take anymore.
That being said, my boss found out what's been going on today and seems to think he may be able to find a solution. Which would not involve working for 70 hours a week or debt I cannot hope to repay. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, and trying to let it go and trust in the universe at the same time. I have to learn to let people help me and not let my misplaced sense of pride get in the way. And I have to learn to trust people.
Work is starting to get interesting. I helping design the curriculum for an electronic discovery class. I know nothing about discovery (see how much good my civil procedure class did me last semester?), but I'm excited about this. I should be able to learn a lot. I should also probably enroll in the class, seeing as if I can't get an A in a class I did the materials for...well...that would just be sad.
My other work assignment is figuring out what I want to be when I grow up. This is the far more daunting of the two tasks, especially given that I have a near total lack of confidence in my abilities as a legal professional at this point, but certainly the more important. I just have no idea. I keep thinking of things and then thinking "no, that won't work. My grades are such rubbish, I'll never get a job in that field." Clearly, that must stop. I need a goal, a plan, something, so I can stay on the path.
I have been getting a good amount of knitting done. I finished the Prairie Tunic from the spring IK, and have picked up a lace bed jacket thing I've had on needles for months. I had a bunch of cotton yarn left over from the tunic, so I knitted and crocheted a string bag for myself out of the left over. I love hippie-assed string bags. They are kind of ridiculous, but being out here so far from my hippie-assed roots, I feel a little more at home carying my lunch of my dogi around in one. Plus they make good eco-friendly grocery bags, so yay for me. I have a new commission that I'll be starting on as soon as the yarn gets here too, so there's plenty to keep me busy and out of the cookie jar in the evenings.
Speaking of cookies jars...I've been really trying to focus on my diet and getting back on the WW track. I want to be at my goal when I turn 30 in September. It's pretty easy to not over-eat when you can't go out and grab a burger or whatever junk you want, and I've been making a progress in that area if nothing else. Once I have money again and buy vegetables, it should be ok. I've done this before, I know I have to tools to do it again, I just have to stick to it, believe in myself, and stay focused. All 3 things I've been having a hard time with in other areas of my life, but maybe success in this will help me in other things.
On the other hand, the stress and pain and anxiety probably had more than a little to do with my less than ideal performance. I can think of a hundred reasons why I have not been performing like I should be, like I expect myself to. But somehow I've lost perspective and I'm having a hard time finding anything that helps. It's just too much. I can't take anymore. I'm broken down and tired and worn out and I can't take anymore.
That being said, my boss found out what's been going on today and seems to think he may be able to find a solution. Which would not involve working for 70 hours a week or debt I cannot hope to repay. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, and trying to let it go and trust in the universe at the same time. I have to learn to let people help me and not let my misplaced sense of pride get in the way. And I have to learn to trust people.
Work is starting to get interesting. I helping design the curriculum for an electronic discovery class. I know nothing about discovery (see how much good my civil procedure class did me last semester?), but I'm excited about this. I should be able to learn a lot. I should also probably enroll in the class, seeing as if I can't get an A in a class I did the materials for...well...that would just be sad.
My other work assignment is figuring out what I want to be when I grow up. This is the far more daunting of the two tasks, especially given that I have a near total lack of confidence in my abilities as a legal professional at this point, but certainly the more important. I just have no idea. I keep thinking of things and then thinking "no, that won't work. My grades are such rubbish, I'll never get a job in that field." Clearly, that must stop. I need a goal, a plan, something, so I can stay on the path.
I have been getting a good amount of knitting done. I finished the Prairie Tunic from the spring IK, and have picked up a lace bed jacket thing I've had on needles for months. I had a bunch of cotton yarn left over from the tunic, so I knitted and crocheted a string bag for myself out of the left over. I love hippie-assed string bags. They are kind of ridiculous, but being out here so far from my hippie-assed roots, I feel a little more at home carying my lunch of my dogi around in one. Plus they make good eco-friendly grocery bags, so yay for me. I have a new commission that I'll be starting on as soon as the yarn gets here too, so there's plenty to keep me busy and out of the cookie jar in the evenings.
Speaking of cookies jars...I've been really trying to focus on my diet and getting back on the WW track. I want to be at my goal when I turn 30 in September. It's pretty easy to not over-eat when you can't go out and grab a burger or whatever junk you want, and I've been making a progress in that area if nothing else. Once I have money again and buy vegetables, it should be ok. I've done this before, I know I have to tools to do it again, I just have to stick to it, believe in myself, and stay focused. All 3 things I've been having a hard time with in other areas of my life, but maybe success in this will help me in other things.
Saturday, May 20, 2006
What in the hell am I doing?
So, I got my Con Law grade yesterday. It's...well...very demoralizing. I tried. I tried so hard...and it just wasn't enough.
Maybe I just don't want this enough. Maybe I don't have what it takes. I don't know. But whatever it is, it's just not enough. I am tired, I am lonely, and I did my best and it wasn't enough.
I don't know how much more I can give. I don't have anything much left, I can't pay rent or buy groceries, I left everything I knew and my life behind, and for what?
Maybe I just don't want this enough. Maybe I don't have what it takes. I don't know. But whatever it is, it's just not enough. I am tired, I am lonely, and I did my best and it wasn't enough.
I don't know how much more I can give. I don't have anything much left, I can't pay rent or buy groceries, I left everything I knew and my life behind, and for what?
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Fiber and Martial Arts
The mad spinning on the merino/angora/silk stuff carries on. I love working this fiber blend, but the angora gets all over the place and I really want to be plying so I can start on something new. Something with some color maybe. I have more of the same blend but dyed a really lovely sky blue, that might be a fun one to try next. Now that I think of it, it might be fun to ply that with the white and have a sort of tweedy looking yarn when I'm done...I shall have to think about this. I had sort of thought I might try doing some natural dying with the white but the tweedy look might be nice. Too many options!
Aikido is still on hiatus, so I've started taking kendo through the same group that runs the aikido class at school. I have to drive 45 minutes away to get to class once a week, but it's totally worth it. Who knew I'd be this excited about martial arts? I think part of it is that it's a really good stress reducer to hit things with bamboo swords and punch walls and toss people all over the place, plus the physical activity is good relief, but it's more than that too. This is the one thing that I do where I am not being measured against my classmates every step of the way and where I get constructive and instant feedback on my understanding of whatever we are doing. Cultivating my ki and general awareness is also hugely helpful. I feel more able to cope when I am practicing regularly, partly because I'm more able to get myself focused.
This research assisting job I have for the summer is interesting. Right now I'm working on editing page proofs for a book on court-martial procedure, which is very tedious work, and the fact that I have yet to find a clean page should tell you something, seeing as I can't edit anything for crap in general. The only problem with this job is that is 1 - does not pay enough to cover food and rent at the same time and 2 - I won't get paid until June 16th at best, which makes it difficult to pay rent for June and put gas in the car and feed myself. So I am looking for another job on the side, and having very little luck with it. I have a couple of leads which look promising, so think happy thoughts for me!
Oh! The big news is that I get to go to TNNA in Indianapolis with my friend from back home who runs KnitWhits. This should be a lot of fun. I get a free trip out of town, and I get to see all the new products and things coming out in the knitting and needlework world. I'll be working at the KnitWhits table for pretty much the whole weekend, so if you happen to be an industry person who will be there come by and say hi!
Aikido is still on hiatus, so I've started taking kendo through the same group that runs the aikido class at school. I have to drive 45 minutes away to get to class once a week, but it's totally worth it. Who knew I'd be this excited about martial arts? I think part of it is that it's a really good stress reducer to hit things with bamboo swords and punch walls and toss people all over the place, plus the physical activity is good relief, but it's more than that too. This is the one thing that I do where I am not being measured against my classmates every step of the way and where I get constructive and instant feedback on my understanding of whatever we are doing. Cultivating my ki and general awareness is also hugely helpful. I feel more able to cope when I am practicing regularly, partly because I'm more able to get myself focused.
This research assisting job I have for the summer is interesting. Right now I'm working on editing page proofs for a book on court-martial procedure, which is very tedious work, and the fact that I have yet to find a clean page should tell you something, seeing as I can't edit anything for crap in general. The only problem with this job is that is 1 - does not pay enough to cover food and rent at the same time and 2 - I won't get paid until June 16th at best, which makes it difficult to pay rent for June and put gas in the car and feed myself. So I am looking for another job on the side, and having very little luck with it. I have a couple of leads which look promising, so think happy thoughts for me!
Oh! The big news is that I get to go to TNNA in Indianapolis with my friend from back home who runs KnitWhits. This should be a lot of fun. I get a free trip out of town, and I get to see all the new products and things coming out in the knitting and needlework world. I'll be working at the KnitWhits table for pretty much the whole weekend, so if you happen to be an industry person who will be there come by and say hi!
Monday, May 15, 2006
It's Alive!
I survived finals! I have no idea how it went, aside from I lived. I guess I'll know in a few weeks, somehow I don't really care right now. I did my best, and that's just going to have to be enough.
In other school news, I opted to not do the whole journal thing. I just couldn't stand the idea of being stuck doing cite checks for the next two years at the expense of what's left of my social life. Maybe I have screwed up priorities, but I'd rather be shooting myself in the foot professionaly than shooting myself in the head at the end before I even graduate.
I even have actual knitting news! The purple Starburst Sweater of Doom is done! I had to change the back central medallion thing, the length of fronts (so they would match the back, concept!), and I hated the ribbed sleeves (which also weren't long enough) so I frogged them and did plain knit sleeves with ruffled cuffs to match the body of the sweater. It looks much better I think, sort of like a ruffly purple gi top actually. I'll try to get some pictures of it posted soon. Over all, the pattern is a bit of a disaster but the end results are pretty good. I'm still trying to decide if they were worth the pattern confusion, but I am happy with the sweater.
I'm currently working on the Prairie Tunic from the spring issue of Interweave Knits. So far, so good. Of course, I am not using the recommended yarn. I went with Shine from KnitPicks, which I really like. Normally cotton yarn is a misery to me, but this is working up quite nicely without snags or anything. It's all done on tiny assed size 3 needles, so it's a bit tedious, but I'm moving along pretty quickly and it's a small top so it shouldn't be too interminable a project. I've got some other UFO's to work on inbetween, all of which are on tiny needles as well for some reason (what's with that anyway?), but they are good summer projects.
I also finally got my wheel pulled out from the corner and having been diligently working away at the silk/merino/angora blend I've been working on for what feels like a hundred years. I should have just one bobbin left to fill with singles, then I'm going to Navajo ply it I think. It should work out to something around a worsted weight yarn, maybe a little on the heavy side, but it should good for a scarf and hat set for the winter. Or something, we'll see. I'm not really worried about what I'm going to do with this stuff at this point.
In other school news, I opted to not do the whole journal thing. I just couldn't stand the idea of being stuck doing cite checks for the next two years at the expense of what's left of my social life. Maybe I have screwed up priorities, but I'd rather be shooting myself in the foot professionaly than shooting myself in the head at the end before I even graduate.
I even have actual knitting news! The purple Starburst Sweater of Doom is done! I had to change the back central medallion thing, the length of fronts (so they would match the back, concept!), and I hated the ribbed sleeves (which also weren't long enough) so I frogged them and did plain knit sleeves with ruffled cuffs to match the body of the sweater. It looks much better I think, sort of like a ruffly purple gi top actually. I'll try to get some pictures of it posted soon. Over all, the pattern is a bit of a disaster but the end results are pretty good. I'm still trying to decide if they were worth the pattern confusion, but I am happy with the sweater.
I'm currently working on the Prairie Tunic from the spring issue of Interweave Knits. So far, so good. Of course, I am not using the recommended yarn. I went with Shine from KnitPicks, which I really like. Normally cotton yarn is a misery to me, but this is working up quite nicely without snags or anything. It's all done on tiny assed size 3 needles, so it's a bit tedious, but I'm moving along pretty quickly and it's a small top so it shouldn't be too interminable a project. I've got some other UFO's to work on inbetween, all of which are on tiny needles as well for some reason (what's with that anyway?), but they are good summer projects.
I also finally got my wheel pulled out from the corner and having been diligently working away at the silk/merino/angora blend I've been working on for what feels like a hundred years. I should have just one bobbin left to fill with singles, then I'm going to Navajo ply it I think. It should work out to something around a worsted weight yarn, maybe a little on the heavy side, but it should good for a scarf and hat set for the winter. Or something, we'll see. I'm not really worried about what I'm going to do with this stuff at this point.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
The Great Yelp of Freedom
Hurray!! I am done with my last final. I am no longer a 1L.
Now, I shall lie on the floor and contemplate the ceiling.
Now, I shall lie on the floor and contemplate the ceiling.
Quick update
My last 1L final is in 4 and a half hours. I am terrified. I couldn't fall asleep last night, woke up at 2, then again at 5:30 and had no luck at all getting back to sleep. So here I am on campus, at 8:30 in the morning, having been here for an hour trying to get some last minute review done and having absolutely no luck. gah. This exam is shaping up to be a huge disaster.
My car is dead. Or at least, that's what the mechanic seemed to think. The transmission apparently is all locked up and needs rebuilding, which he can't do, so I have to take it to the dealer or a transmission shop. I'll call the dealer tomorrow, but given that something is not right with the coolant system and the whole car shakes when you decelerate, I think it's just a lost cause. This is a very bad thing. But there is some hope I can get some help from my grandma and get a new car (new to me anyway). We'll see. Without a car my situation this summer is going to be pretty painful.
At least this last exam will be over at 4. That's something. Then I can pedal my ass back home and crash.
p.s. just got off the phone with the local pontiac dealer...it's going to cost at least $2500 to get this car working and safe again. So much for the pontiac. Anyone know of any high school auto shop classes that need a grand am in the Williamsburg area?
My car is dead. Or at least, that's what the mechanic seemed to think. The transmission apparently is all locked up and needs rebuilding, which he can't do, so I have to take it to the dealer or a transmission shop. I'll call the dealer tomorrow, but given that something is not right with the coolant system and the whole car shakes when you decelerate, I think it's just a lost cause. This is a very bad thing. But there is some hope I can get some help from my grandma and get a new car (new to me anyway). We'll see. Without a car my situation this summer is going to be pretty painful.
At least this last exam will be over at 4. That's something. Then I can pedal my ass back home and crash.
p.s. just got off the phone with the local pontiac dealer...it's going to cost at least $2500 to get this car working and safe again. So much for the pontiac. Anyone know of any high school auto shop classes that need a grand am in the Williamsburg area?
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Spring cleaning
I'm at least trying to clean out my book cases and probably eventually a closet or two. As I find things I don't want or need, I am trying to convert them into much needed cash. I'll be posting books and yarn and others things on Google Base, http://base.google.com/base/a/Duchess.Grace
So far, I have some knitting books and law school study aids posted, but more will be coming over the next week or so I am sure as I sort through things.
In other news...I have one exam left! My contracts final is at 1 on Thursday. I can hardly wait for that to be over. Contracts was my worst class last semester, and I wish I could say I felt ok going in to the exam but no amount of preparation is calming me down. I finished the outline this morning and have to review that and my other materials tonight and tomorrow in between naps and trips to the post office, mechanic, and book store to sell back my text books.
I still have no idea how I am going to pay rent and fix my car, but I'll figure something out. With luck, I'll be able to start my under-paying research job next week, and will at least be able to eat. That would be nice. I really hate being poor. Selling my possessions on line will only get me so far towards rent and a functional car.
So far, I have some knitting books and law school study aids posted, but more will be coming over the next week or so I am sure as I sort through things.
In other news...I have one exam left! My contracts final is at 1 on Thursday. I can hardly wait for that to be over. Contracts was my worst class last semester, and I wish I could say I felt ok going in to the exam but no amount of preparation is calming me down. I finished the outline this morning and have to review that and my other materials tonight and tomorrow in between naps and trips to the post office, mechanic, and book store to sell back my text books.
I still have no idea how I am going to pay rent and fix my car, but I'll figure something out. With luck, I'll be able to start my under-paying research job next week, and will at least be able to eat. That would be nice. I really hate being poor. Selling my possessions on line will only get me so far towards rent and a functional car.
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