Thinking never did anyone any good.
But first, knitting updates. I have finally finished the KnitWhits socks for the shop owner sample. This too far too long, but the pattern turned out to be much more difficult than I thought. 3 color fair-isle is tricky, I kept getting all tangled up. Plus I made a few mistakes, totally my own fault for knitting when sleepy, but it slowed me up. The end result was good though, sadly I mailed them off before taking pictures. Oh well. You can see what they looked like here.
I was feeling like utter crap yesterday so I took the day off and rested and knitted and did stuff around the house. And I thought. A lot. Which was a bad plan.
I realized a couple of things. First, no one has ever told me they needed me. No one. Ever. That was pretty depressing.
Second, it is pointless to figure out what one wants if attaining those things is dependant on the decision making process of other people. Why waste time deciding what jobs I want if my ability to actually get said job is in someone else's hands? Why let myself long for companionship if that companionship is ultimately up to the decision making of another person?
I am not ok with being alone. But what other choice do I really have?
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Monday, July 17, 2006
Stunned
He left. It seemed to be a kind of a mutual leaving, I needed more than he could give. Things like for him to pick up the phone when I called, return my messages, come to my house once in awhile. Small things like that. I needed to not be making all the effort for the both of us.
I think the thing I fear the most is being alone, that there is no one out there for me, no one who will love me back, no one who will think I am worth even some small amount of effort. I am all alone again, and I am very afraid.
Other than that one thing, things seem to be mostly ok. My weight-in this morning was a good one, my kendo work out last night was grueling but I think I did ok, and I survived the weekend working. With any luck, my next actual day off will be next Sunday. That's 15 days in a row working, not something I am happy about or coping well with but what can you do?
My two paid knitting projects are finally picking up some steam. I got the little bit of yarn I needed to finish the socks, and should be able to power through the last bit of that project tonight. I think I finally have got the hang of the lace for the Rockstar cardigan, so that's starting to go faster too. I have finished the back and one of the front sections. Sleeves tend to go fast for me for whatever reason so that should be done soon, and then I can start thinking about projects for myself. Hurray! And also Christmas presents.
I just wish I wasn't so awfully alone...
I think the thing I fear the most is being alone, that there is no one out there for me, no one who will love me back, no one who will think I am worth even some small amount of effort. I am all alone again, and I am very afraid.
Other than that one thing, things seem to be mostly ok. My weight-in this morning was a good one, my kendo work out last night was grueling but I think I did ok, and I survived the weekend working. With any luck, my next actual day off will be next Sunday. That's 15 days in a row working, not something I am happy about or coping well with but what can you do?
My two paid knitting projects are finally picking up some steam. I got the little bit of yarn I needed to finish the socks, and should be able to power through the last bit of that project tonight. I think I finally have got the hang of the lace for the Rockstar cardigan, so that's starting to go faster too. I have finished the back and one of the front sections. Sleeves tend to go fast for me for whatever reason so that should be done soon, and then I can start thinking about projects for myself. Hurray! And also Christmas presents.
I just wish I wasn't so awfully alone...
Friday, July 14, 2006
Updates
Well, I have finally finished my ghost tour training. Hurray! Of course, it seems that I do not speak English, because my boss keeps scheduling me for days I have told him I cannot work. Is it too much to ask for one weekend day off? Really, working 15 days in a row (at best) is not good for me. Call me lazy, but I just can't do it. I also can't get from a kendo class in Norfolk which wraps up around 6:30 to my job in Williamsburg by 6:30. Teleportation does not work out well for me, it's about an hour drive, besides which I can barely walk after kendo half the time, and no one wants to smell me at that stage anyway.
Aside from being the Cassandra at all my various jobs and the accompanying stress and irritation, things are going ok. I'd like more days off, and a vacation, and to sleep in, and stuff like that, but in a way things seem to have settled down into something more or less predictable and I'm managing to relax just a little bit. It feels like some things are taking longer than they should, but it being the summer in the south, I hardly care. You just have to slow down, otherwise you'll die.
I haven't got much to say about the knitting, I'm plugging away on the various projects and getting slightly annoyed with the pattern for the Rockstar cardigan. The charts do actually work, but figuring out where to start them at various points in the instructions is painful at best, and nearly impossible if you are not a more advanced knitter. Add that to the fact that they are nearly impossible to read (red paper, stupid non-standard symbols) and the whole things is rather purgatorial at times. At least it looks good so far, I think E. will be happy with it.
I've got myself back on the WW wagon, this time doing it online since I still can't stand the meetings at my local center. So far, so good. I'm making decent, more or less steady progress and I am feeling a lot better which is really the main point. I've even inspired the LYM to make some dietary changes, which is all for the good in the long run (but trying to convince him that I did not go on a "diet" because I thought he needed to go one is a little difficult). I'm having to deal with other people's reactions to me in a different way this time, and I think part of the difference is that I don't have much weight to lose so some of them can't quite get their head around my motivation to do this in the first place. I didn't have so many people around me who took my weight loss efforts personally before. Mostly it's people at work, one of them gets really defensive about it if I ask for dressing on the side or request that we have lunch someplace that serves salad. Clearly, this woman has unresolved weight and food issues, but I feel sort of bad that I'm bringing it to the surface for her. But then part of me doesn't care, and thinks that if I can inspire to her make one change for the better that's actually a good thing.
Aside from being the Cassandra at all my various jobs and the accompanying stress and irritation, things are going ok. I'd like more days off, and a vacation, and to sleep in, and stuff like that, but in a way things seem to have settled down into something more or less predictable and I'm managing to relax just a little bit. It feels like some things are taking longer than they should, but it being the summer in the south, I hardly care. You just have to slow down, otherwise you'll die.
I haven't got much to say about the knitting, I'm plugging away on the various projects and getting slightly annoyed with the pattern for the Rockstar cardigan. The charts do actually work, but figuring out where to start them at various points in the instructions is painful at best, and nearly impossible if you are not a more advanced knitter. Add that to the fact that they are nearly impossible to read (red paper, stupid non-standard symbols) and the whole things is rather purgatorial at times. At least it looks good so far, I think E. will be happy with it.
I've got myself back on the WW wagon, this time doing it online since I still can't stand the meetings at my local center. So far, so good. I'm making decent, more or less steady progress and I am feeling a lot better which is really the main point. I've even inspired the LYM to make some dietary changes, which is all for the good in the long run (but trying to convince him that I did not go on a "diet" because I thought he needed to go one is a little difficult). I'm having to deal with other people's reactions to me in a different way this time, and I think part of the difference is that I don't have much weight to lose so some of them can't quite get their head around my motivation to do this in the first place. I didn't have so many people around me who took my weight loss efforts personally before. Mostly it's people at work, one of them gets really defensive about it if I ask for dressing on the side or request that we have lunch someplace that serves salad. Clearly, this woman has unresolved weight and food issues, but I feel sort of bad that I'm bringing it to the surface for her. But then part of me doesn't care, and thinks that if I can inspire to her make one change for the better that's actually a good thing.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Queen of the Klutz People
I fell down the stairs. On my ass. On Monday. I'm ok, I didn't go through the large window at the bottom of the stairs, but I have a huge bruise on my ass and I hurt in very odd ways.
Aside from that and about a hundred bug bites, it was an ok weekend. I've been trying to get caught up with the knitting projects. Here is the current list:
1. KnitWhits sock kit for a shop owner
2. Rockstar cardigan for A.
3. Pink Frosting pull over from Interweave Crochet
4. Reproduction 18th cen. sampler
Ok, the sampler is embroidery, not knitting, but it is needlework. It's going to be a Christmas gift for my impossible to impress or please grandmother. The stitches are very small, which makes it a little tricky to work on in the eavenings. I think I need a task light or something in my living room.
Aside from that and about a hundred bug bites, it was an ok weekend. I've been trying to get caught up with the knitting projects. Here is the current list:
1. KnitWhits sock kit for a shop owner
2. Rockstar cardigan for A.
3. Pink Frosting pull over from Interweave Crochet
4. Reproduction 18th cen. sampler
Ok, the sampler is embroidery, not knitting, but it is needlework. It's going to be a Christmas gift for my impossible to impress or please grandmother. The stitches are very small, which makes it a little tricky to work on in the eavenings. I think I need a task light or something in my living room.
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