Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Suicidal Canadians

Canadian geese that is. There's a whole flock of them living in a pond down the road from my house that I drive by every morning on my way to campus. Lately, they have taken to spending the earlier part of the morning, when the road is busiest (which isn't that busy by San Francisco standards, but is a near traffic jam for these parts), hanging out in the middle of the road. Stupid geese. You can pull up within a foot of them and just sit there, and they won't budge at all. They just stare you, all creepy like, until you figure out how to get around them.

I actually like the geese. I hear them honking in the early morning, when the light is still misty, and there is something comforting in that. Of course, it makes harder to get out of bed. That time of morning always makes me a little sad when I am sleeping alone. The world is still, my mind is as calm as it will be for the day, and I drift into thoughts of the people who are far away. The longing is gentle and soft, but somehow worse when I want to be held so badly I can almost feel it.

Anyhow, I'm still behind with my school work but I'm slowly getting caught up. I have to catch up with torts and then all I have left today is the reading I need to do for tomorrow. With any luck I'll be able to get it all done this afternoon and tonight. Luckily my skills class got moved back to 5 tonight so I should have just enough steam left when that gets out to get another 20 pages or so done tonight before falling asleep. I've decided that taking RSI breaks is a good thing, just like it was when I was doing tech work, and that I can use my spinning wheel as incentive. I may move her up to the office, right now I'm doing my work at the kitchen table and I don't like that, having my school books all over the living room just isn't a happy thing. Confining my schoolwork to one room in the house seems like a better idea than having it scattered all over so I can never escape it.

Besides, if I'm downstairs near the kitchen I get up every 10 minutes to find a snack of some sort, just to get away from the books. No good for the WW thing. So far, that's been going quite well. I'm not so sure about this week though, it's been a bit difficult the last few days to stick with core foods, and my brothers wedding is this weekend, so the food situation is going to be a bit sketchy. Oh well. I'll do the best I can, that's all I can do.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Just breath

Some actual fiber content! Sort of...

You are Shetland Wool.
You are Shetland Wool.
You are a traditional sort who can sometimes be a
little on the harsh side. Though you look
delicate you are tough as nails and prone to
intricacies. Despite your acerbic ways you are
widely respected and even revered.


What kind of yarn are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


The whole inability to focus thing has not been getting much better. It's actually been getting much worse, but I have some hope that things will improve there some in the next few weeks.

I did manage to sit at my wheel a bit in the last few days, and I found out that there is a Trader Joes in Charlottesville, only a 2 hour drive away! Only two hours, how sad is it that I have to drive 2 hours to get to my favorite store? I just need to find some kind of half-assed excuse to head out there, then I can get my tea and tasty hippie foods in peace.

School work is getting interesting. I've been trying to write a legal memo for my sills class for days and days, and it's turning out to be far more difficult than I had thought. I can't seem to separate my own ideas about the issue from the decisions I'm reading. I'm trying really hard not to put too much of my own interpretation into it, but it's difficult. I guess you can't help coming at an issue from your own particular angle, this is why we have judges and appeals courts after all, but when they don;t actually tell you what the question is, it's difficult to find the answer to the problem without putting too many of your ideas in there.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Collateral damage

I don't think this whole school thing is worth the price...maybe I'm just not so willing to pay it at this point. I don't know. All I do know is that my options are drifting away one by one, I can't focus on anything, and I have no safe place to run to.

I can't even spin. You know it's bad when not even my wheel can hold my attention, when I can't find that simple, elemental rhythm.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

More obsessive knitting

I finished the little neckwarmer thing from Knitty last night. Hurray! It's actually quite cute, but I am not altogether happy with the way the flower is designed. I've worked out a different way, crocheting the center instead of using the stupid looped and twisted stitches which will pull out all over the place the moment you snag the scarf on something, like your jacket. These things are quick and fun to knit, so I've started another one and will continue figuring out modifications for the center of the flower.

Knitting flowers is way too much fun, sort of like knitting the little felt mice for the cat. I found a few other flower patterns on line last night, if nothing else this should be a good way to get some scraps of yarn used up. I think I'm going to try felting some of them too, and work out a few alternate neckwarmer designs.

I need to find a job. Maybe I'll write up some of the patterns I've worked out and see if I can segue that into some kind of small business. It's more labor intensive than I would like but I think once I get things up and running a web based business should be pretty easy to manage. Having no income at all is just exacerbating the stress I'm under as it is. Last night, as exhausted as I was, I ended up unable to sleep after talking to Someone and nearly falling asleep on the phone. It's not good. I have some hope that I get some sort of income producing venture to work out but without compromising what's left of my dignity, but if I keep having these restless panic filled nights, I'm not sure how long that will last.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Avast!

It's Talk Like a Pirate Day! How could I forget! I should go home and make myself a cabin-boy/girl outfit and figure out to hoist the mizzen or something. Arg!



My pirate name is:


Bloody Bess Flint



Every pirate lives for something different. For some, it's the open sea. For others (the masochists), it's the food. For you, it's definitely the fighting. Like the rock flint, you're hard and sharp. But, also like flint, you're easily chipped, and sparky. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from fidius.org.

Lots of blaghs

Not much to report today...last week was kind of rough. I didn't so much have a lot to do as I had zero motivation to do anything. I seem to lack focus in a really profound sort of way. I wish I understood what that I was about.

I feel very isolated and alone here for some reason. I miss Someone. I feel silenced. I have a lot of work to do, but I just can't seem to focus on it. You would think that focusing on school work would keep my mind too busy to worry about everything else, but it isn't. Maybe I need a job. Having some sort of income would be really nice, I'm just not sure I can bring myself to work in a crappy retail job for minimum wage. Somehow it feels as though doing that would rob me of my dignity. Which is just absurd, but there it is. Part time consulting work for my old job would have been ideal, but oh well.

Anyhow, I finished the crocheted scarf, knit another scarf, and have started on a little neckwarmer thing from the latest Knitty (the pattern is here) out of some left over yarn from my stash. Hopefully I'll be able to get a few other small things knit so I have less Christmas shopping to do. Being able to make most of the gifts for this year will be a very good thing, seeing as I can't really afford to buy any.

Being a student sucks. Well, ok, being a student is ok, but living off loans sucks. Maybe that's my problem, I feel very insecure and uncertain whenever I have to spend any money on even the stupidest things, and I don't know if I can deal with this for all 3 years.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Fiber lust

The Bellwether, my favorite place to get spindles, is having huge fleece sale! Oh how I wish I still had income!

The fleece sale has got me thinking about a special project I've had swimming around in the back of my mind for ages. One of those things best not to talk about, if you are a fiber junkie who runs towards the superstitious, but all the fleeces on sale have got me wondering and planning and thinking and that's never good.

I've utterly failed to finish knitting a gift for my soon-to-be-SIL. The wedding is at the end of this month and I haven't got anything to show for it, but oh well. Maybe I can get one project or the other finished in time for Christmas, that might work out better anyway since neither one is exactly right for the wedding dress.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Not so very bad?

Well, the WW meeting wasn't so bad. Not so good either, but considering that I'm all bloated from PMS, it wasn't quite as bad as I thought it might be. I still feel like an old lady with a wide ass, but at least I'm doing something about it. I've decided to try the Core plan this time, I think it might be easier to measure less, and I still think it's easier to maintain on the Core plan. Or at least it should be in theory. We'll see. I'll give it a few weeks. That's probably the best thing about the program right now, having a choice between plans is nice and gives you a lot of flexibility. I realized this morning that part of my issue with the whole weight-loss thing lately is tied into the general inability to finish anything recently. I feel like I left everything half done at work, my knitting projects are getting nowhere, why should I do any better with WW? It's a bit absurd, I have the ability to finish this if I just stay focused and don't let myself get into a fug about it, and would probably help with the feeling of incompletion.

Anyhow, it occurred to me this morning that WW meetings were also a good time to do some knitting. I brought my scarf with me and got the first lace panel done and a decent start on the second. Having some time to really focus on myself and my state of being is a good thing. My No Law Friday Afternoon's probably won't last now that I have No Law Saturday Morning, but that's ok. The idea is to have time to do things that aren't related to school, it doesn't really matter what day I pick to do it.

In school related news, my loan finally got straightened out and the check is supposedly on it's way. Hurray! I have to call the loan people on Monday to find out what the exact deal is, but I should be ok in a few weeks. It's nice to know that that's worked out for now at least. I'll worry about the loans for next year in the spring. With any luck I'll be able to establish residency or get a fellowship and my tuition will be less. I can only hope. Now I just need to decide what to do with myself over the summer. It seems silly to worry about this now, but from what I've been told if you want to get paid over your 1L summer, you have to start the hunt early.

I still feel like crap, but the cold seems to be more or less manageable. As long as I don't move to quickly it's ok. Hopefully it'll be better by Monday, and Ophelia will go someplace else and I'll be able to ride my bike to school next week. Getting some physical activity in will help my state of mind tremendously. And it certainly won't hurt the WW thing either.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Happy Blue Pills

I love the blue pills. I can sort of breath now, and should be able to make it through my property class without too much nose-blowing. Hurray. Having a cold sucks. Really, I am an embarrassment of a sick person. All I want is someone to tuck me in, bring me tea and soup, and rub my head. Instead, I have to go to lecture and the cat keeps trying to sit on me, and I whine.

Anyhow, I have finished one lace panel of my crochets seamans scarf, and have decided it is too short so I'm putting on a couple extra rows at some point today, then I can start on panel two. Hurray for progress! It'll be nice to have finished something. I've been suffering a pretty major case of Project Interuptus lately, both at work and with my knitting and fiver stuff, so it'll be nice to have something to put in the Finished pile.

After I'm done with this scarf I think I'm going to start on some baby things. My legal skills professor is having a baby in March, so I thought I would make her something. Might as well get started now while I'm all motivated and inspired.

I have this song stuck in my head for some reason. Not terribly applicable, but there you go.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Drained

I seem to fighting off either a cold, allergies, or possibly West Nile. Ugh. I hate being sick. Stuffed up and sort of warm is the worst kind of sick there is too, if you ask me. Oh well. At least today and tomorrow I just have one class, so I can sleep in a bit. Not that I slept in this morning or anything, but I did go to bed relatively early and will be able to rest some this afternoon.

Somehow, in spite of being totally unmotivated to do homework, I have not fallen horribly behind. I'm not as far ahead in Torts as I would like to be, but I should be caught up for today's class, then I can get ahead over the weekend.

My birthday was a bit depressing, but I did go to the one and only pub in town with a couple of people from skills class after we got out. That was kind of nice, certainly better than pouting at home and eating every single piece of chocolate in the house.

Progress on my little crocheted scarf is slow, but steady. Getting used to a slower pace of project completion is going to be difficult but I think I'll manage. Not having chunks of time to sit and work is a big adjustment. Or at least chunks of time I can sit and work and not feel like I should be reading property cases or civil procedure or something.

I'm a bit ashamed to admit this, but I have totally fallen off the WW wagon and I feel like crap about it. I seriously need to get my widening ass in to a center this weekend. I think I'm just embarrassed to do it. Which is patently absurd, and I know it. Of course, part of me is also terrified that I won't be able to stay on plan while in school, but again, this is a bit absurd. If anything, it might actually be easier. It's not like we have any really tempting food on campus, the one cafe place with food does have salads, and I can (and really should) pack my lunch. In fact, that might save me money in the long run. Besides, taking a bit of time on Sunday to plan out my meals for the week might be a good study break. Paying attention to my body can only be good for my mind.

Yeah. So I am going to screw up the courage to face the scale again on Saturday and go back. Again. Sigh. I just want to be thin and able to maintain. Is that so much to ask?

But this I vow, I will be at goal by my next birthday. So there.

Monday, September 05, 2005

A weekend not without Fiber!

Finally, I was able to do something fiber-related this weekend. In between shopping for a suitcase, working on the courtroom relief website, and homework, I managed to make some really good progress on a crocheted seamans scarf that I started a really long time ago. I think my problem with making progress has been the smallness of the yarn and interminable single-crochet ribbing section. That's finally done, and I'm on the lace panels. I like doing the lace part. It's fun, it goes quickly, and it looks really impressive even though it's a very simple stitch pattern. I'll post pictures once I have something reasonable to show for it.

I got to school this morning early to do some reading in the student lounge, only to find that the place has been plastered with asinine student elections posters. It looks slightly less dignified than class elections in junior high. As if I needed anything else to make me feel more out of place with the student body here. Whatever. I view the student bar association as a big joke. All they do is plaster the place with moronic posters and sponsor weekly drinking binges at local bars. Surely, there is more to life than that, it's just the SBA hasn't figured that out yet. Oh well. Whatever happened to dignity?

Tomorrow is my birthday. I'm not at all looking forward to it. Maybe I'll get lucky and kind of forget about the whole thing. Surely I can come up with enough extra homework to do to keep me distracted.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Getting better all the time...

Well, in light of everything that's going on the world, it seems silly to start off a post with that sort of thing. But at least I'm able to help in my own way. I'm working with the Courtroom 21 project at school, and we've been asked to put together a website so that state courts from all over the country can enter in whatever resources, equipment, people or money they have available so that it can be redistributed to the courts in the affected areas. I'm really excited about getting to work on this, it'll give me a lot of really great visibility with the administration and faculty, and I get to do something for the rebuilding effort. I'm just a bit nervous. My web building skills are somewhat rusty, but I think I'll be ok once I get going.

Anyway, the 1L trip to Colonial Williamsburg was quite fun. I talked to a guy who is in my torts class and an actual adult for awhile, and he's, dare I hope, not a Republican! Hurray! It was nice to have a politically un-guarded conversation for a chance. After that tour, there was a little reception, and I talked to another woman who is my age, and it turns out we're both having the same sort of "issues" with the 22 year old bubble-heads. Yay again! It's not been easy but I think I'm starting to find some people with similar outlooks and backgrounds, which is a very good thing.

This weekend I have maybe 6 hours worth of homework to do, and depending on how much I have to do for this website, I should have time to knit something. I don't even know where my knitting projects are at this point, it's sad. I sort of want to make socks for some reason. Not like I need more knit socks or anything, but they might be a good Christmas gift for somebody. Actually, doing some gift projects would be a good idea. I have a stash of hat and mitten sets I've been working on for that. Might as well get a few more things done. I've found several patterns for knit and crochet flowers that might be kind of fun to do with some scraps. They look cute on hats, but would also be cute as little pins for sweaters or blazers.

By the way, if anyone is looking for a new project and a chance to help with the relief efforts, KnitWhits is donating 20% of the proceeds from all sales between now and the 10th to the Red Cross. Tina has some great patterns and wonderful kits, and she's a reall wonderful person to boot.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Know a mechanic?

So, I have become the proud owner of a 1996 Pontiac Grand Am. Which is wonderful, I'm very glad not to have to walk and bike everywhere in the insane heat, and I get to feel like an actual grown up with a car, and insurance, and registration and all that other good car-owner stuff. Except that there is a mysterious puddle on the floor in the front seats. Nice. I posted a question to the Car Talk website and the theory is that the AC evaporation drain tube is clogged up and that this is a trivial and inexpensive thing to fix. Great news, except now I to find a mechanic who will not screw me over, or find some mechanically minded person who can help me fix this in exchange for a beer.

The funny thing is, if it were an electrical problem, I'd be more or less ok with figuring out the problem on my own. But AC mystifies me.

School is moving along. I had drinks with another grad student from the CS department and her husband last night, and we bemoaned the high rate of scary conservatism in the area and the general lack of decent ethnic food (except, oddly enough, Indian and Japanese food. Go figure). I'm actually done with my homework through tomorrow, so tonight I'm going on a tour of colonial Williamsburg with the law school dean, and I should have time to, gasp, knit and/or spin this weekend. Hurray! That'll be the best birthday present to myself ever. This afternoon I'm going to start on my reading for Monday, I'll try to get everything for Monday and Tuesday done by the end of the day tomorrow, and then I can have a halfway decent semi-celebratory weekend.

Which would be a lot more fun had I not just balanced my check book. Yeesh. Buying Clovis was a huge financial disaster, but what choice did I really have? I wonder if my landlady will take a constructive rent check?