One of the running "jokes" around here (the law school) is that law school has more in common with high school than anything else. Feh. try Junior High. The latest example, which for a change actually involves me...
Against all my best efforts, one of the goofier first year students seems to have developed a crush on me. Ick. I have done everything I can to avoid this. I avoid campus like the plague, refuse to come to the 'Burg unless I have class, and have made it very clear that I do not wish to date anyone who is younger than my brother or older than my father, effectively ruling out anyone single I am likely to encounter on campus, with exception of actual lawyers here to interview better students than I. So now this goofy first year student has asked me out and, since this is not a large campus and the library is unusable (the latest drama has to do with a boiler which has gone on a rampage and will not shut off, you can fry an egg in there), there is no where to hide. Ick.
Anyway, nothing much else to report. I've been doing a bit of knitting on my latest sweater in between casebooks, kendo and aikido carry on, work is still work. I did register for classes for this morning, which went ok except that I didn't get in to the one class I was really excited about taking, but I am wait-listed, so we'll see what happens. Later today I need to go talk to career services about getting an externship, that would be good too. And might give me some contacts so I can find a real job, or at least some usable experience.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Friday, October 27, 2006
Kids these days...
I have officially become the off-campus events coordinator for my martial arts group at school. This is actually an undergraduate club, affiliated with a much larger dojo based in Norfolk (where I practice kendo). We have a very large, important event coming up on the 11th, for which we must all register by the 1st. Because the club is subsidizing the cost of this event, we have to turn in all of our registration materials together. I will be in Norfolk, taking kendo from the person who I have to send all of these forms too on Sunday, which means I need for everyone to get the their part of the registration fee and the clinic application form before Sunday so I can take everything all at once to the people who need it. Two of the new members who seem to want to go can't seem to get it through their thick heads that when I say I need the forms after practice on Thursday, that means I need the forms after practice on Thursday. If I decide to be nice and offer to meet them someplace on Friday, they really had better call me and follow through. It's not like either of these people live far away from campus. they are in the dorms. I know they don't work out on Thursday (both of them do karate, which does not practice on Thursday), but really, no one else has a problem running over to the gym to drop off a piece of paper. It takes 5 minutes. Get a life.
So now, I am sitting around campus waiting for one or both of these goobs to call me so I can pick up their forms. I have to work at 6. they have just over 2 hours to get it together, then they get to stay home. I am sorry if this sounds bitchy, for for crap sake this is a martial art. It's all about discipline and respect. A rule is established, we follow the rules, we do not ignore it or argue for really absurd exceptions that show no respect for the people doing the actual work. I guess this is normal 18 year old freshman behavior, I have no idea really, but it's kind of annoying. We are giving these dorks money, I am hand delivering the forms, you would think the least amount of respect they could show it to get off their asses and hand in the damned paperwork without making me drive 20 miles out of my way first. But no. At this point, I really hope they don't get it together and we get to leave them here. If they haven't got enough respect and dedication to get the form in on time, how can they have enough respect and dedication to really appreciate the training they will be offered at this event?
What can I say? I'm just a cranky old lady.
P.S. One of the actual grad students in the club is also bitching because she is going to have to drive people. Not because she doesn't have a car, but just because she doesn't feel like it and seems to think it's perfectly reasonable for me to drive an extra 2 hours out of my way to pick her up at 8 on a Saturday morning, along with these other goof-balls. Good luck with that one honey.
So now, I am sitting around campus waiting for one or both of these goobs to call me so I can pick up their forms. I have to work at 6. they have just over 2 hours to get it together, then they get to stay home. I am sorry if this sounds bitchy, for for crap sake this is a martial art. It's all about discipline and respect. A rule is established, we follow the rules, we do not ignore it or argue for really absurd exceptions that show no respect for the people doing the actual work. I guess this is normal 18 year old freshman behavior, I have no idea really, but it's kind of annoying. We are giving these dorks money, I am hand delivering the forms, you would think the least amount of respect they could show it to get off their asses and hand in the damned paperwork without making me drive 20 miles out of my way first. But no. At this point, I really hope they don't get it together and we get to leave them here. If they haven't got enough respect and dedication to get the form in on time, how can they have enough respect and dedication to really appreciate the training they will be offered at this event?
What can I say? I'm just a cranky old lady.
P.S. One of the actual grad students in the club is also bitching because she is going to have to drive people. Not because she doesn't have a car, but just because she doesn't feel like it and seems to think it's perfectly reasonable for me to drive an extra 2 hours out of my way to pick her up at 8 on a Saturday morning, along with these other goof-balls. Good luck with that one honey.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
What's left?
I think the last bit of romantic, foolish hope left in me died on my 30th birthday. It's just as well really, it's high time I put away such childish dreams, of a prince charming, of someone coming to the door to surprise me and hold me close. Since then, when no one came, I've been in a strange sort of mourning. It's taken over a year for all that hope to finally die, but it finally has.
Law school, moving out here, has cost me everything. Money is the least of it. The personal and emotional toll, well...there's nothing left. There's no reason to go back, that's been clear to me for some time, and I have nothing here. So what's left? A career path I don't want? More loans? What kind of life is that?
I suppose all that I can do is set aside those childish things I clung to, those hopes and dreams of belonging, and find something else to work for.
No one is coming for me. The sooner I learn to live with that, learn to live truly and utterly alone, the better.
In other news...I finally finished the knit lace collar I've been working on for years. I adapted the pattern from a Norwegian knitting book, and it came out pretty well. If I had it to do again, I would have left out a repeat or two but it will work fine as it is. It will look lovely on my new dress for Dickens.
We had out big Kendo clinic this weekend, which went really well. I still hurt. We did the whole 5 hour clinic using the heavy oak bokuto (or bokken) instead of regular shinai. After the first hour I thought my arm was going to fall off, somehow it didn't though. Talk about pushing past a limit. I did get some sort of ki award, which was nice. It's good to know that Sensei notices how hard people are working. And we got to do some battojutsu, which was very cool. The sword work is a lot of fun. Very intense, but fun too.
Law school, moving out here, has cost me everything. Money is the least of it. The personal and emotional toll, well...there's nothing left. There's no reason to go back, that's been clear to me for some time, and I have nothing here. So what's left? A career path I don't want? More loans? What kind of life is that?
I suppose all that I can do is set aside those childish things I clung to, those hopes and dreams of belonging, and find something else to work for.
No one is coming for me. The sooner I learn to live with that, learn to live truly and utterly alone, the better.
In other news...I finally finished the knit lace collar I've been working on for years. I adapted the pattern from a Norwegian knitting book, and it came out pretty well. If I had it to do again, I would have left out a repeat or two but it will work fine as it is. It will look lovely on my new dress for Dickens.
We had out big Kendo clinic this weekend, which went really well. I still hurt. We did the whole 5 hour clinic using the heavy oak bokuto (or bokken) instead of regular shinai. After the first hour I thought my arm was going to fall off, somehow it didn't though. Talk about pushing past a limit. I did get some sort of ki award, which was nice. It's good to know that Sensei notices how hard people are working. And we got to do some battojutsu, which was very cool. The sword work is a lot of fun. Very intense, but fun too.
Friday, October 20, 2006
Fading Away
Do you ever have days when you feel you are absolutely no consequence? The song from Chicago, Mr. Cellophane, comes to mind. I feel like this is what I am becoming. Just background fluff no one really notices.
School is disastrous but oh well. I don't want to be a lawyer anyway. At least not the kind of lawyer you see on TV and everyone assumes I want to be. There are plenty of other things I could do with a JD, but I have absolutely no motivation to get one right now. I have nothing to work for, no inspiration, no motivation. I cannot do this alone, and the more I try the more I realize that I simply cannot.
In other news, I finally recovered my big ugly vintage chair. It was never ugly, just suffering from sad, old and abused upholstery. It looks much better now, and someday when I have an actual job and money again (hah, more fairy stories, like Santa Clause and Unicorns and Gentlemen) I will pay someone to do it right but this will do quite nicely for now.
I've also decided to make a dress for Dickens. Right now, it looks like I will be able to go for the very last day. Hurray! The dress I wore last time around is really heavy wool and won't fit in my suitcase, so I need something portable. I've decided to do one of the Simplicty patterns, both for the sake of reviewing the pattern and also expediency. It's the gathered front day dress, I forget which pattern number. I found a really neat red and black woven checked fabric to do it with which I think will look really nice. It's a simple dress, but I'll wear some of my hand-knit lace cuffs and hopefully the lace collar I've been knitting for ever and that should dress it up nicely.
The only real problem is that knitting and sewing has become far more difficult to make my body do. It's not exactly painful, just really hard to force my hands and arms to do. A lot of things are starting to feel that way, and it scares me. A lot.
I guess we'll see what happens once the semester is over and I can get some actual rest (another thing that belongs in the same class as Unicorns and Gentlemen).
School is disastrous but oh well. I don't want to be a lawyer anyway. At least not the kind of lawyer you see on TV and everyone assumes I want to be. There are plenty of other things I could do with a JD, but I have absolutely no motivation to get one right now. I have nothing to work for, no inspiration, no motivation. I cannot do this alone, and the more I try the more I realize that I simply cannot.
In other news, I finally recovered my big ugly vintage chair. It was never ugly, just suffering from sad, old and abused upholstery. It looks much better now, and someday when I have an actual job and money again (hah, more fairy stories, like Santa Clause and Unicorns and Gentlemen) I will pay someone to do it right but this will do quite nicely for now.
I've also decided to make a dress for Dickens. Right now, it looks like I will be able to go for the very last day. Hurray! The dress I wore last time around is really heavy wool and won't fit in my suitcase, so I need something portable. I've decided to do one of the Simplicty patterns, both for the sake of reviewing the pattern and also expediency. It's the gathered front day dress, I forget which pattern number. I found a really neat red and black woven checked fabric to do it with which I think will look really nice. It's a simple dress, but I'll wear some of my hand-knit lace cuffs and hopefully the lace collar I've been knitting for ever and that should dress it up nicely.
The only real problem is that knitting and sewing has become far more difficult to make my body do. It's not exactly painful, just really hard to force my hands and arms to do. A lot of things are starting to feel that way, and it scares me. A lot.
I guess we'll see what happens once the semester is over and I can get some actual rest (another thing that belongs in the same class as Unicorns and Gentlemen).
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Want?
If one more person asks me what I "want" to do when I get out of school, I am going to scream. Since when does what I "want" inform any of my options? I don't even bother with what I might "want" for lunch anymore. The things I might conceivably "want" are so far away from the list of viable options it's not even funny.
No more wanting. There are things that might be nice, but none of it gets to rise to level of actually "wanting" something. Wanting leads to nothing but disappointment, and lord knows I've had enough of that to last several lifetimes. Can't take any more.
No more wanting. There are things that might be nice, but none of it gets to rise to level of actually "wanting" something. Wanting leads to nothing but disappointment, and lord knows I've had enough of that to last several lifetimes. Can't take any more.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
A bit low...
My mid-semester panic attack/breakdown seems to have hit with a vengeance. Deciding to move when I did probably didn't help much with all of this, but crap. I can't seem to stay asleep at night or stay awake during the day, and the actual bouts of panic are getting absurd. At least I know what I'm dealing with this time around, that helps a little, but still.
The longer I am out here the more alone and isolated I feel. I really don't have any friends out here, there's no one to call if I need help. And I don't think that's going to really change much any time soon. I mean, how can it, when I will probably be moving away again in a year and a half?
Anyway, the new apartment is very good. The space is really well laid out, and it's easily the nicest apartment I've lived in (which, I admit, isn't saying much, but it is really quite nice). The cat seems to have adjusted and I've got myself almost all unpacked. With any luck I will have some time over fall break to get things settled the rest of the way so I launch into the last half of the semester in fairly good shape, at least as far as my living space is concerned.
The job search has reached a new level of demoralizing, but there's not much point in getting in to that. Suffice it to say, my life is all about rejection and denial right now. I try to find good things...they are just getting to be pretty few and far between. I don't even have the engery to knit.
The longer I am out here the more alone and isolated I feel. I really don't have any friends out here, there's no one to call if I need help. And I don't think that's going to really change much any time soon. I mean, how can it, when I will probably be moving away again in a year and a half?
Anyway, the new apartment is very good. The space is really well laid out, and it's easily the nicest apartment I've lived in (which, I admit, isn't saying much, but it is really quite nice). The cat seems to have adjusted and I've got myself almost all unpacked. With any luck I will have some time over fall break to get things settled the rest of the way so I launch into the last half of the semester in fairly good shape, at least as far as my living space is concerned.
The job search has reached a new level of demoralizing, but there's not much point in getting in to that. Suffice it to say, my life is all about rejection and denial right now. I try to find good things...they are just getting to be pretty few and far between. I don't even have the engery to knit.
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