I am not looking for pity or sympathy. I just need to vent and I need to believe that someone, somewhere, might understand.
I think law school was the first mistake, maybe. It might be that where it all went wrong was in deciding to stay here, I don't know, it hardly matters. Here I am, ten years latter, alone, broke, and bereft. Sure, I have some good friends and I have two and a half wonderful little dogs to show for it, but I also have a mountain of debt and no way to pay it back, constant pain, and a failed marriage. I am trapped in a state I loath because of poverty and ongoing legal nonsense with a roof over my head only at the sufferance of my not-quite-ex-husband. I want children desperately and I haven't the means nor the capacity to have them. The man I really love, have loved for longer than I care to think about, is indifferent and I have no place else to go. My own mother made that clear when I told her my marriage had irrevocably broken down.
Sometimes I think it would have been better if that car accident had been just a little worse, if I had died that day. Better not just for me but for everyone else who has had to deal with the last five and a half years of crap that followed. My health won't be getting any better, it has been and will continue to be a constant struggle. I can't remember things, lose days and weeks, and have to struggle to follow most conversations. Today I left the oven on for at least three hours after making my breakfast.
There are tiny sparks of hope, but just at this moment it's not enough. I want my life back. I want myself back. I want to go home but there's no home to go to.
I have been trying, am trying, to do better. To adjust, to find ways to manage. But I don't know if I can do that alone, and how I can ask anyone to put up with this? I am frightened and that just makes everything worse.
Some of this, God willing a great deal of it, is drug withdrawals. In a few weeks my system will be clear of all of the medications and I can get a better sense of where I really am. Do I think that will change the fundamentals? No. But it should help in my ability to cope. Maybe I will be just clear-headed enough to see a way through. But for now, I feel trapped and bereft, lost and very much alone.
