No more shits to give

I am not looking for pity or sympathy.  I just need to vent and I need to believe that someone, somewhere, might understand.

I think law school was the first mistake, maybe.  It might be that where it all went wrong was in deciding to stay here, I don't know, it hardly matters.  Here I am, ten years latter, alone, broke, and bereft.  Sure, I have some good friends and I have two and a half wonderful little dogs to show for it, but I also have a mountain of debt and no way to pay it back, constant pain, and a failed marriage.  I am trapped in a state I loath because of poverty and ongoing legal nonsense with a roof over my head only at the sufferance of my not-quite-ex-husband.  I want children desperately and I haven't the means nor the capacity to have them.  The man I really love, have loved for longer than I care to think about, is indifferent and I have no place else to go.  My own mother made that clear when I told her my marriage had irrevocably broken down.

Sometimes I think it would have been better if that car accident had been just a little worse, if I had died that day.  Better not just for me but for everyone else who has had to deal with the last five and a half years of crap that followed.  My health won't be getting any better, it has been and will continue to be a constant struggle.  I can't remember things, lose days and weeks, and have to struggle to follow most conversations.  Today I left the oven on for at least three hours after making my breakfast.

There are tiny sparks of hope, but just at this moment it's not enough.  I want my life back.  I want myself back.  I want to go home but there's no home to go to.

I have been trying, am trying, to do better.  To adjust, to find ways to manage.  But I don't know if I can do that alone, and how I can ask anyone to put up with this?  I am frightened and that just makes everything worse.

Some of this, God willing a great deal of it, is drug withdrawals.  In a few weeks my system will be clear of all of the medications and I can get a better sense of where I really am.  Do I think that will change the fundamentals?  No.  But it should help in my ability to cope.  Maybe I will be just clear-headed enough to see a way through.  But for now, I feel trapped and bereft, lost and very much alone.