I've been spending a lot of time thinking about what I want, in a meta sense, lately. Negative lists of all the things I don't want aren't that helpful, or healthy. I want a family, I want companionship, I want time to spin and create things, I want to cloth the people I love, I want the means to care for myself and my family and enough left over to feel secure and maybe take nice vacations. I want to feel like these things are in reach, like I am not sabotaging it somehow, like I am moving towards them and not farther away...
In the short term, I want a suit, new glasses, and a larger financial aid check so I can fix the car, eat and pay rent all at the same time. I want a weekend to spin, and friends to spin with. I need people around me, and damn it I want a child. So much for being some liberated independent woman.
On the iPod
3 comments:
Well, some might say living without a family or the connections to tomorrow that a child brings, a life without time to do the sweet soothing things, a life devoted only to that which is not personal - was exile, not independence.
Sounds like you have grad school exhaustion. My step-son, he of the decade of commune living, just finished law school 2 years ago, but through it all his most frequent comment was how his life was sucked up by school. He's through it now and enjoying the Life-0-Lawyer, even starting his own practice after a few years working for a firm.
So remember, it's only a 3 year sentence, not a life one. And maybe worth the effort after all. don't listen to your silly fellow students, who have their own agendas. Try to remember why you wanted to become a lawyer.
I'd love to get together down in W'burg - in fact, I'll be there this week, but alas, not in my own car and not on my own time. But we could set something up for a play date soon.
'taint nothing that says wanting family, companionship, or children makes you less liberated.
I'm the daughter of a highly liberated woman and she stayed home for the first *12* years of my life to care for me and my kid sister because in her opinion it was The Right Thing to Do (tm).
Hell, even I, miss highly-independent, don't want to grow old alone. Doesn't mean I have to be married, doesn't mean I have to have children or cats or dogs or what-have-you. I know I don't want to grow old alone. OK. Fine. Nothing wrong with that.
Be that as it may, I'm staying single right now. Why?...well, that's what works for who and where I am right now. I'm not sentencing myself to a life of loneliness just because I'm not dating someone or married to them right now. My life is, in fact, seemingly more full than it was when I was actively *dating* someone.
How's that for a change of pace?
(and here I pimp myself: go vote for me in 12 Babes of Christmas. Details at http://www.livejournal.com/users/ariyanakylstram/
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I agree with the commentor who said it could be exhaustion. Try thinking about the list you created on a good day. Do those same feelings persist? Look at the list on a day everything goes right (few and far in between). Maybe explore what you think those wants and needs will bring you. Every life phase has it's own challenges. Some days I long for the single life. It's all in which side of the fence you are on. But do know that when the time is right for you these things will happen. Us humans do tend to go and get what it is we really want. Good luck!
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