Rescue me

This has been a bad week. At least it has been bad in my head, I'm more full of self-doubt and uncertainty than I have been in a long time. I suspect it's just the cumulative effect of the semester, but I feel as though what self confidence I had left has been undercut to the point that just functioning in the most basic sense is a huge victory.

It doesn't really help that I've been thinking about my long term goals. I need goals, I need to know what I am working towards. The goals I had set out for myself at the start of law school are either unattainable because of my less than stellar grades or so uncertain that they hinder more than help. And in some respects I really have no idea what I want. Do I really want a high-flying legal career? I don't think I do. At least not at the expense of the rest of my life. At the moment, I just want to run away from it all and hide someplace dark and safe, but that's not going to get me through exams.

In other news, I've started a crazy quilt. I made a quilt once, when I was about 12, but that's the extent of my quilt making experience, aside from helping ladies pick out fabrics when I was in college and working in a fabric store with a huge selection of quilting fabrics. As a result, I have a nice little collection of quilting cotton. In addition to that I have tons of scraps left over from various projects and swatches and bits and pieces I've collected. Not so many as I had before the move out here, but still enough to put together a respectable collection of random bits to piece together into a crazy quilt. I started last night and already have 4 squares done. Hurray! It's actually a lot of fun, and goes much faster than I had thought it would. I suppose it helps that crazy quilts can be totally random, I don't have to plan out to much other than the size of my blocks. The perfect project for me right now, it's very zen in a way. I just pick up bits and put them together and let the colors and shapes flow. No thinking, just reacting.

Aikido is going well, I think. It's a little hard to say for sure at this point since the instructor has been out for the last few classes, but the bruises are getting to be much less and I'm able to get up from break falls much faster and in a more organized manner. If I just let myself react to whatever is happening it seems to be much easer. Maybe this will help me to deal with my over-thinking problems some too.