Stunned

He left. It seemed to be a kind of a mutual leaving, I needed more than he could give. Things like for him to pick up the phone when I called, return my messages, come to my house once in awhile. Small things like that. I needed to not be making all the effort for the both of us.

I think the thing I fear the most is being alone, that there is no one out there for me, no one who will love me back, no one who will think I am worth even some small amount of effort. I am all alone again, and I am very afraid.

Other than that one thing, things seem to be mostly ok. My weight-in this morning was a good one, my kendo work out last night was grueling but I think I did ok, and I survived the weekend working. With any luck, my next actual day off will be next Sunday. That's 15 days in a row working, not something I am happy about or coping well with but what can you do?

My two paid knitting projects are finally picking up some steam. I got the little bit of yarn I needed to finish the socks, and should be able to power through the last bit of that project tonight. I think I finally have got the hang of the lace for the Rockstar cardigan, so that's starting to go faster too. I have finished the back and one of the front sections. Sleeves tend to go fast for me for whatever reason so that should be done soon, and then I can start thinking about projects for myself. Hurray! And also Christmas presents.

I just wish I wasn't so awfully alone...