Small victories

6.6 pounds of me gone! Woo! I know that's a huge loss for one week, but given that I've been off plan for awhile and was recovering from monthly bloat, I'm not worried about it. So I'm not crazy, my brand new pants really *are* fitting better! Hurray!

Since I got to my first 5 pound goal, I got to get a present for myself. I wasn't feeling up for a pedicure, and couldn't find a broach I liked, so I ended up getting a really cute sterling silver heart necklace. It's got pale pink stones in it, which I really like. Plus it was half off. Shiny things are good.

In other news, it turns out I have a new boss, which might explain the sudden and unexplained delay in my hiring situation. The whole thing was very strange, I got a call Friday after lunch from some lady I'd never heard of before and she started going on about how she was taking over my project and we should meet to talk about it, blagh blagh blagh. So I kind of freaked out, and thought I must have been sacked, and how can you be sacked before you actually get hired anyway? As it turns out, I have not been sacked, but am now reporting to a director rather than a manager. This is a good thing, I think, it's all rather unclear. After talking to her, I basically got a soft promotion, am officialy doing the job I've been doing for this whole time, and should hopefully have some answers about my hiring status next week. Hurray!

M. was behaving somewhat oddly on Friday during the social too. He kept running up to me (more of a scamper really), and attempting to engage me in conversation. My two testers were both trying to figure out who the guy putting the moves on me was, one of them knew about the whole thing, so the two of them stood there trying to figure it all out and then analyzing it all like a couple of women afterwards. It was quite funny actually. But whatever, I don't really have the time or energy to question every thing he does that is inconsistent with what he says. That way madness lies.

In knitting and fiber news, I put together 2 skirts for a client yesterday, finished the first sleeve of my alpaca sweater, and got halfway through the second sleeve yesterday. Today I am going to go sew with J, and trying to get my 1901 corset done, finally, start on a Regency corset, and work on the bindings for the cheongsam which is still not finished. A and I are going to an opera in a couple of weeks, so I figured it would be a good thing to wear for that.

I've discovered that I really don't know what to do with guys hitting on me. The last week has been interesting in that regard. I haven't gone from getting lots of attention, to be taken, to being available again since I lost all the weight, and this is a strange thing. Suddenly these vulture people are coming out of the woodwork and I'm not sure that I like it. I feel pretty bruised and beat up, I'm not sure if I'm really ready for all of this. But then again, I probably need to figure this out and learn how to deal with it. There are, after all, worse problems to have.

Yet another 180

This morning the sky was clear, but for a thin haze in the air that ever so slightly blurred everything, taking away all the sharp edges and jarring colors of my morning walk to MUNI. The fog is on it's way back. I love the morning fog, especially when it's low enough that you can see it swirling around you, winding up your legs. Everything seems very mysterious and quiet with the fog wrapping itself around you like a blanket. If only the day stayed the peaceful...

I can be glad that I at least got status. It's crap status, but it's something I suppose. No news on the real offer for another 2 weeks. WTF? It's just my life that's on hold here, people. The same life that's been on hold, changing directions 180 degrees every 2 or 3 weeks for the last I don't even want to think how long.

I need something stable, that isn't going anywhere, that isn't filled with bad memories. I need to feel *safe,* like the bottom isn't about to drop out on me again. I need to stop spinning around in a 100 different directions.

This all sounds absurdly dramatic...it just seems like everything has been in flux for so long, I don't think I remember what stable and solid ground feels like. Every time I feel like I finally have my feet back under me, that I know where I'm going and what I'm doing, something comes along and *WHAM* I'm spinning around again. I want off this crappy ride!

Deflector shields at maximum power

I know it's the silliest thing in the world, but I've gotten a couple of really nice and flattering comments today from my okcupid profile, and it's made me really happy. Having random people tell me I'm pretty and elegant makes me feel much better about my relative desirability.

Of course, it's also reminded me exactly how much being single sucks. There are a lot of vultures out there, just waiting for some fresh bit of roadkill to show up someplace. It's enough work trying to convince myself that I won't die fat and alone, and be found weeks latter half eaten by my 35 cats, without having to beat off smarmy lechers and creeps too.

And I keep wondering if he misses me at all...

Things are work are muddling along. Kind of slow so far this week actually, which is good, I'm not feeling up for serious chaos and excitement. No real news on the final offer, other than feedback is being gathered. I told them I need to hire movers next week if I'm going, so hopefully that will hurry things a bit.

Positive Reinforcement

I'm feeling pretty good about the whole WW thing today. I did well yesterday eating within my points, and am track to do well today. I got a pair of pants on Saturday and I'm probably insane but they feel like they fit better already. Whatever, I'll take it. I can use anything self-affirming right now, even if it the product of a delusional mind. Anything I can be positive about and feel successful at is a good thing right now.

For every 5 pounds you lose, WW gives you a little award. I've decided to back that up with something more. Here is my reward plan for myself:

5 pounds - pedicure or silly pin for a blazer
10 pounds - new shoes
15 pounds - L'Occitane shopping spree
20 pounds - new underwear
25 pounds - new outfit

10% of me gone - more shoes
Goal weight - spa afternoon
Lifetime - another new outfit

Hopefully if I limit my shopping to these events, I will save some money too. I must not replace food with shoes or bath products. There are worse things, but still, both have their destructive sides.

At least I look cute

Feeling rather better about life than I thought I would today. I've resolved to look fabulous all week, carry on with life as planned, and not worry too much. Maybe go to back to wretched courtesan-style dating-for-fun-and-profit. I keep thinking of the line from Dangerous Beauty, "Love love, but do not love the man." It's as good a rule to live by as any other I suppose, and probably leads to less heartbreak.

Anyway, I indulged in rather more retail therapy this weekend than was perhaps good for the bank account, but I feel much better having new pants and cute new skirt and some fabulous shoes. Shoes always help matter. Better yet is getting to work and having the engineers notice that I have new shoes, and even be suitably appreciative of them. Hurray! They even noticed the snappy new outfit. Another guy actually noticed the nicely co-ordinated accessories, but he's not an engineer exactly and has a wife, so he's better trained. At least I have hope for mankind still.

I finally made it to a BAWDies meeting on Sunday. I had no idea how much I had missed these women. It was so nice to be back, wrapped in fiber and love, and feel supported and cared for after my awful Saturday. It's good to have girl friends, and it is truly amazing how knitting and fiber arts in general has brought this group together. Not going to go on with obvious "knitting different lives together" line of crap, it's overdone and sentimental, but there really is a wonderfully supportive and caring community of fiber geeks out there, and I proud and honored to count myself a part of it.

Now what?

I am frail and small and people should be more careful with me, there won't be anything left if I keep getting broken.

Turns out he was avoiding me...

It's sad really, but so typical of how these things work out for me. The ones I like, maybe even love a little, they don't want me. And I never understand why...

To make it worse, I went back to WW today. I was prepared for things to be slightly worse than they were but it was still depressing to see how far I had slid back. Oh well. I guess now I'll have a little more time to focus on that and get things back where they should be.

It was nice to not be all alone, even if it was just for a little while...

Fun with automatic translators

When testers get board, testers start playing with random web applications. I don't know why, but these are phrases we've been having fun translating badly into other languages this week while waiting for builds;

My cat has a fluffy white tail.
Now I am going to kick you in the head.
My llama/pants/hair/etc. is on fire.
I am a crazy white chick.

For added fun, try varying the grammar. "Shall" for "am going," "in flames" for "on fire," you get the idea.

We have a very multi-lingual staff here. It's lots of fun to pop up from the cube and call out some random phrase (such as "Ich bin ein verrücktes weißes Küken" or "Je suis un poussin blanc fou. Mes cheveux brûlent.") and see how people react.

PMS sucks

I've completely lost all perspective.

I feel like crap, probably have a UTI again, my back hurts, I'm crampy and bloated and feel like a hippo, it's all cold and crappy and overcast outside but still oddly warm which is just unpleasant, my housemates are driving me crazy, I feel like boy is avoiding/has no time for me, I still can't sleep and it's all ridiculous but I just want to curl up someplace safe and warm and cry but there is no place safe and warm for me curl up in.

Still no offer with numbers, but I was assured that "the recruiter is working on it" whatever the hell that means. Hiring around here is so convoluted and wrapped in mystery, it's amazing anything ever gets done. If they don't get something to me on paper by the end of the week, or maybe early next, I have no choice but to start calling apartments and movers again, but how in the hell am I going to pay for all that? As if I have several grand just lying around at this point. Please. I guess I'll figure something out, I always do, but still.

I got a really sweet card in the mail from one of the women in my OES chapter, telling me how excited she was for me and my new endeavors, and I feel more like crap about that whole mess than I did before. Like I'm letting them all down as well as myself if I stay. What the hell is that about? Waiting a year is not giving up, in some ways it's being pragmatic about things. Why am I so plagued by self-doubt?!

Stupid PMS.

Lack of focus is a problem

Ugh. I really need to get back on the WW wagon. Without weekly meetings and accountability, I really have been letting myself go to pot. I feel worse about my body than I have in a long time. At least I can still get in to my pants, that's something. They are not a nice-fitting as I would like, but they zip. This weekend I am determined to start going to meetings again. I am not that thrilled with the center near my house, but it's within walking distance and they have meetings at times that work for me on the weekend, so that will have to do.

That center is actually one of the big reasons I stopped going to meetings in the first place. I didn't realize what a difference the group you met with made, but I just lost focus after switching. I never felt like I had anything in common with the people in the meetings I was at, and the leader drove me nuts. But really, at some level, all that is just an excuse. The focus and drive has to come from within myself. As long as the meeting experience isn't flat-out unpleasant or irrelevant to me, it should be successful. Besides, I know I'll be moving to a new center at some point in the near future anyway, so I should be able to put up with this one for a month or two.

Anyway, not much else is going on. I'm training another new person at work this week. It's actually much easier now that I have one person up to speed already. He's been a huge help with the new guy already. Hurray! No news yet on the offer with numbers, which is annoying, but not wholly unexpected. I need to ping my manager about that this afternoon. I'm doing far more release planning that I really should be doing, but in a way having more responsibility is probably a good thing right now.

I'm feeling kind of tired and glum today. Probably partly due to PMS and crappy weather, but still. All the stress and uncertainty is really starting to takes it's toll on me. I think once I know what's going on with my life, I need to take a vacation. Go someplace quiet and relaxing, maybe sit in a hot tub, or a spa weekend in Napa. That sounds really lovely about now.

Shoe-shopping cures all

All of this waiting around business is rather exhausting. After talking things over with my mom and a particularly trusted girl-friend, I am feeling much better about my current state of mind. If work comes through with the cash, I can stay. Otherwise, I go. I really have no reason to go right now aside from having nothing better to do with myself at the moment, so there it is. With a good job, sufficient income, and time to save money and settle a few personal questions, I have every reason to stick around here (but further south) for a year.

The weekend was quiet, but just what I needed. Friday night I went to dinner and shoe shopping with the trusted girl-friend, which was quite pleasant and relaxing. Saturday I spent most of the day doing housework and a few errands, then went to another girl-friends to sew for the afternoon, which was also great fun. We ended up eating pizza, drinking wine, and watching Monty Python until rather late. Sunday I had a friend/client by for a preliminary dress fitting, which went pretty well, then I ran off to Sunnyvale to make fondue and watch Star Wars movies with M.

Overall, it was a good weekend. I have to say, taking CalTrain with a bunch of obnoxious Bay to Breakers staggerers wasn 't much fun, but once I got on the train and got my iPod cranked up, it was fine. Making fondue turned out to be surprisingly easy. For never having done it before, it turned out quite well, and M. liked it, so I count that as a food success.

Good work continues on the Laci alpaca sweater. I'm about half way done with the second side front, leaving me with just sleeves and finish work. Hurray! I'm looking forward to being able to wear it. It's so soft and light. Almost like a cloud. And I have enough yarn left to make another sweater! I;m going to be a little short-sleeved top I think, something very classic and vintage looking.

Not much else to report...all of this waiting for people to do things has me feeling rather stuck. At least I have plenty of work and things to do to keep me occupied. People keep asking me how I can stand the uncerainty...after the last couple of years actually having two viable options to choose from is a luxury. As much as it stresses me out at times, I can't help but luxuriate in it a bit. Either way, I will be doing something good and worthwhile with myself come August. I just don't know which coast I will be doing it on is all.

Actual knitting content too!

Strange week so far...I have at least worked out a strategy for dealing with the Job Offer of Doom. After getting sleep, talking to lots of different people, and parsing their suggestions, I have a plan. More on the specifics when I get some more information from them, but I'm sleeping better knowing that I have worked out my decision making process when the time comes for that.

Boy seemed to be worried that I'm entertaining the offer because of him and no other real "valid" reasons. First of all, why isn't he a good reason? I'm almost 30. this is probably the healthiest, most positive relationship I've ever been in. Not wanting to walk away from that without knowing if it could really work in the long term seems like a silly idea to me. It's comforting to know he's looking out for my best interests, but really. I think I managed to convince him that there are other good reasons to wait a bit, especially if the money is right.

I've been making slow but steady progress on the alpaca cardigan. The back and right front are done. I'm almost finished with the bottom lace section for the left front. That should go fairly quickly, the I just have to do the sleeves and finish work. Hurray for progress! Hopefully I'll have this done in a few weeks. It's unbearably cold on my part of the office when the AC is running.

I'm looking forward to starting another sweater project too. In a moment of weakness, I picked up this Whites Lies kit but in pink with raspberry trim. Should be very cute and I'm very excited about starting it. Everyone needs a pink cotton sweater thing. It should be good for the summer, if it ever warms up.

I desperately want to take a short vacation and do nothing but sit by the side of a pool in the shade and knit while someone brings me iced tea between massage and facial appointments. It is sweet to dream...

Sleepless in Silicon Valley

So, after much deliberation and bureaucratic wrangling, I have been offered an actual job. No paper and no dollar sings, but it's mine if I want it. It's the kind of job I've been looking for for years, lots of growth potential, good pay, great benefits, wonderful working environment, and the kind of work I want to do (i.e. little to no actual testing, but lots of planning and strategic work).

And I finally have something like a reason to stay here. At least for awhile.

Add this to all of the other factors in the decision matrix, and you get lots of sleepless nights, lots of confusion, and more tears than I want to admit too.

So what do I do? I could try to defer my admissions to W&M for a year, work hard, pay off more bills and save up cash, finish this project and watch it blow everyone away, see if this relationship thing could really be something, and hunt down more and better financial aid in the process. Or, I could suck it up and carry on with my move as planned.

On the one hand, I could use the extra time to find funds for school and wouldn't feel like I was leaving something half done behind me. On the other, I might be staying here out of fear and more wrong reasons than I can count. I can go now and move on with life, resigning myself to being alone for the foreseeable future, or slow down a little and see if I might have more of a future in this area than I thought.

There are a lot of advantages to staying. It's just my motivation I question. How can I be sure I am thinking clearly when I spent most of last night sleepless and grieving for something I have not yet lost?

I want...?

I have to be packed and send all my worldly goods away with the movers in 10 weeks. In 12 weeks, the cat and I will follow, large duffle bag in tow. I've started packing, sort through things, getting rid of baggage, getting ready to move on.

And I am terrified.

What if I am making a mistake? Not so much about school, but about leaving in general, and leaving one person in particular? How does anyone know what to do about these things? What is there to do anyway? Why are there so many questions, and why can't I find any answers?

Work is a bit nuts. It's getting harder and harder not to talk about what I'm working on. At least I can talk to M. about it, that makes things somewhat easier. I'm training two people right now, which is great. Hopefully one of them will turn out to be good and can take over my job when I leave. I think we might have hit the jack-pot with one of them actually, I'm keeping my fingers crossed anyway. The only problem is that since I spend most of the day training people and answering questions and deflecting meetings, I end up working latter so I can get my actual work done. blegh.

So how do you know if you're in love?

Coming to terms with Monday

I never have been good at Mondays. Today is a very example. I have a new contractor starting on my team this morning, and got terribly terribly confused about what time I was supposed to go get him this morning. For some reason, I thought I had to get him at 10. I also have a meeting at 10, and was still at M's house at 9:42, wondering how I was going to get myself caffeinated, email read, to a meeting, and get the new guy all at 10. So I was stressed. Then I get to work, have 3 minutes to grab my sad cereal, send the other temp to the meeting to spy for me while I wait for the new guy, only to realize that he gets done at 11:00 or 11:30, not at 10. GAH!! So I've got myself all tense and stressed for nothing. Grr.

Anyway, after skipping the meeting all together in favor of a latte, I'm feeling some what better. It's still Monday, I'm only half awake, but I had a pretty decent and productive weekend so it's all good.

Friday I went to see HHGTTG with J.and M. and a bunch of old radio/Burning Man friends. We all wore PJ's and towels, and got our picture taken for some promotional thing by the theater and they gave us passes to come back again for free! Yay! M was still feeling sick, so instead of bar-hopping with the towel crowd we went back to J's for drinks and to look at pictures from her trip to Europe. I so need to go on a trip someplace fabulous before I start school. Good luck with that one.

Saturday morning we got up and met N for breakfast at Noah's, M took off and N and I headed up to Napa. Napa was fun. We found a new winery (ok, not new, but we'd never been there) which we fell in love with while tasting whites of all things. Costentino has some very nice whites, lovely reds, and reasonable prices (we thought anyway).

After that, we picked up lunch stuff, went to Praeger Port Works (always a hit), then went to Coppola where, I hate to say it, we did not have fun. There was a large group of obnoxious, trashy drunk people in the private tasting room and we actually left before getting to the Rubicon part of our tasting. The people at the winery were really wonderful, gave us a whole glass of Rubicon, and were very apologetic, but it was annoying. I always look forward to a nice, relaxed time at that winery and getting stuck with annoying drunks with no class instead wasn't much fun. I can expect such behavior from people out in the main tasting room, but we were supposed to be getting a private, club members only tasting. Oh well. Can't have it perfect all the time I guess.

After the Coppola debacle, we went into Napa and grabbed dinner, then went back to my place for tea, where I discovered that one of my house mates has completely ruined my Le Creuset tea kettle (like this one only without the whistle and in Flame). I am very pissed about this. My favorite coffee mug has been chipped and now vanished, one of my new knives got chipped, and now my tea kettle is ruined. So I decided that the person who is reasonable can replace the kettle, and all of my stuff is getting packed up now lest it get further damaged.

So Sunday, I packed up most of my kitchen stuff, 3 cases of wine I am storing at my parents, 4 boxes of books I will be storing there, and all my tea cups. I actually made really good progress on the packing! I need more boxes, especially dish boxes, but I'll be able to pick those up next weekend when my dad is in town. He's coming up to eat and help me pack, and then taking things I want to keep but don't want to move away with him. I also got my laundry done, and managed to still have time to take a walk, get my Fast Pass for the month, and go to M's where I cooked him dinner.

Overall, it was a nice weekend and I feel like I got stuff done so that's something. I have 10 weeks left to pack. Ack. But I think if I can keep my focus, and do a little at a time, I'll be in good shape come July.