Somebody to lean on...

I am very much looking forward to a quiet weekend I can devote to fixing up my apartment and knitting. Maybe I can even sit at the spinning wheel for a bit and get her tuned up again after the move. A small bobbin full of some unusual fiber would be a very satisfying thing to hold in my hands at the end of the weekend.

I don't know about any one else, but I absolutely love these little one ounce samples of interesting fibers. I have gotten a lot of them from The Bellwether, in sampler kits that come with information sheets about the animal and the fiber. This makes me very happy. The little baggies full of fiber look very enticing, and learning about new animals and new fiber preparations is a lot of fun. Besides which, an once of fiber is just about the perfect amount to tune up your wheel and give you a sense of satisfaction and completion.

For some reason I've been having a really hard time in New York this week. Staving off major panic attacks is getting to be pretty difficult, especially when I'm stuck down in the subway waiting for a train. Maybe it's the heat, maybe it's the sense that I should be at home working on my house, maybe it's the stress of uncertain student loan approvals and impending financial ruin, maybe it's fear and trepidation about starting school, or some combination of all these things, but it's been a really stressful week. I feel like I hate, really and truly loath, this city, but I don't think that's so. I think the city amplifies whatever you're feeling or trying to process, and since I'm stressed and a little anxious about the rest of my life, it's that much worse being here. Thank God Someone has been here. He's about the only thing keeping me grounded at the moment. I'm so afraid this stupid panic is going to drive him away though. Which doesn't help matters at all.

I had no doubts, but he got the job with my current/former employer, but they want him out in California. So he's leaving for the other side of the country in a few weeks. I'm happy for him, and proud of him, this is a great opportunity for him and he'll do well and be happy there, but I am not doing so well with the idea of him being so far away. I don't know how it's possible but I've grown used to him being close by, being there when I need someone to lean on, and for that to get taken away so quickly, well...it just sucks. The bitter part of me that is still angry with work wonders how much more I can give them, how much more will they take from me? But part of me is satisfied knowing that I have left one thing behind me there that will make some kind of lasting impression. It just happens to be the part of me I am least willing to give up.

Of course, I'm probably getting a little PMS'y too, so that's not helping. My coping mechanisms are pretty maxed out as it is, and never at their best when I'm dealing with that too.