Flambed

Weird head space today...and I can't really figure out what has triggered it. Last night and this morning were lovely, I stayed at M.'s and didn't have to commute all the way back up to the city, so I actually got a half-way decent amount of sleep for a change.

I'm just feeling rather overwhelmed by all these decisions I have to make and the conflicting time lines I have to make them in. Where to go to school isn't so bad, but the questions around work, time lines, and now a certain level of emotional complication make it a bit overwhelming. I think part of my problem is that I am really afraid to trust myself to trust/care about M. I want to, but I'm afraid, partly because I've been burned pretty badly (and rather recently), and partly because I know I have an expiration date. How can I really deal with my own feelings honestly when I know my time is running out? Really, it has run out. I have to make a decision towards the end of the month. What chance does that the possibility of an "us" with?

E. says I need to chill out, slow myself down, and not worry about him or us, and focus on what I need to do. She's right, of course. "Crush Flambes," as she put it, are fine and ok and worrying about forever can and should wait.

I'm also feeling all rejected about work at the moment. I can't get any kind of straight answers about the possibility of getting hired full time, and moving on with my life just makes it look like I'm not interested, but I don't honestly know what else to do. If they can't commit to me, why should I sit around committing to them while the rest of my life passes me by (and why does this sound so familiar, but so out of context? gee.)?

Anyway, it looks like I should finally have a weekend to focus on sewing. No luck on the skiing, or any other real plans to go anywhere, so I'm going to get some work done and knock this last commission out so I can get on with my own work without feeling guilty. Between sewing stints, I need to photograph and measure some costumes I'm planning on selling, and sort through some other stuff to see if I have anything stashed in the basement worth putting on eBay. Might as well work on lightening my material load while I try to scrounge up extra rent/tax money.