There's the usual kind of anxiety and panic that comes from stuff I can silence for the most part. Things like school, getting lost, and not being eaten by wild turkeys because I have failed all of my exams. Then there's the other stuff, the real stuff that I can't deal with in a practical sense and that is just get more and more horrific the longer you ignore it. This would be stuff like paying rent, keeping the heat turned on, and figuring out how to feed myself and the cat (though I have enough leftovers from Thanksgiving I should be fed for awhile at least).
I suck at being poor. I suck at not knowing how I am going to manage to get through the next month, and I really suck at being in a position where there is no room for a misstep. Right now, I have no safety net at all. If I get sick, or hurt, or the car dies, or my laptop or printer takes a nosedive, I am completely screwed. And I cannot deal with this. It's driving me nuts. There is not one little thing I can do about any of it, but I have to do something, because the rent won't pay itself and neither will the power or phone bill. The stress of looming exams just makes it harder to cope and keep the terror at bay.
I just wish I knew what to do. I wish I knew how to focus on exams and studying when I am so terrified of these other things.
Nothing much else is going on, I actually got some decent studying done yesterday, which felt like a bit of a miracle. I'm no where near where I wanted to be at this stage, but at least I took some decent steps forward last night. It's just a matter of keeping that momentum going and trying to set aside my money worries until I have time and bandwidth to figure out some solutions.
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