Poopy

It's been a crap week for some reason. Maybe I'm just having a hard time adjusting to the time change and all the darkness, but I've been feeling really low energy and just blagh.

Yesterday hardly helped, but I think I have identified a huge source of my law school related anxiety. We had a negotiation practice, and the opposing council we went against flat out lied about some material facts. The first thought I had when I found this out was "well, you'll make great lawyers." I don't want to be that kind of person. I don't want to be lumped together with that kind of person. It's unprofessional, unethical, and goes against everything I hold to be true and sacred. And part of me is terrified that law school is going to turn me in to that kind of person, one I wouldn't want to sit down over a beer with, nevermind be forced to maintain a professional relationship with, or trust.

Have I changed? I know I have become busy and stressed in new ways, but has this all changed the core of who I am and what I believe? I hope not. Lawyers do not need to be, and in fact should not be, the kind of people who lie. In negotiations, sometimes information is not shared, that is understandable, but when a direct question is asked, isn't the honest and ethical response to answer the question truthfully? I still think that it is, but I realized that I had this knot of cold fear, terror really, someplace in the pit of my stomach that 2 years from now when I graduate, I won't think so, that I will have become one of the deceitful, dishonest, and corrupt people who lie and cheat and steal.

I simply lack adversarial motivation. To my mind, a negotiation is supposed to be a meeting of the minds, both parties should walk away feeling good about the deal struck, not that they fleeced the other side or were in some way cheated. For one thing, I will never negotiate again with a lawyer who I feel has lied and cheated me. For another, what could possibly be served by such an antagonistic relationship?

Anyway, I'm bitter and angry about this, and need to let it go. grr.

Instead, I get to spend the weekend studying. blegh. I think I'm going to drive out to Yorktown after class this afternoon for lunch, just to get out of here.