Date Emergency

I have inherited two tickets to a lovely wine club party in a lovely cave in Napa. Now I need a date. With a car. Who likes wine and to swing dance. Ack. It's a bit of crisis. Where in the hell am I going to find a date by tomorrow?! Help!

At least this presents a non-sitting-at-home-with-cat-and-Colin-Firth option for NYE. One that will thankfully not result in being naked in a pool with my ex for 3rd year in a row even!

Aimlessness

The back issues of Piecework that I ordered from Mountain Laurel Books finally got here! What with the holiday and media mail and all, it took a little longer than expected but they came! Only for me to discover that I had ordered the wrong back issue, and that I had the one I was looking for all along. How annoying. At least I now have another Orenburg shawl pattern to play with, which is something. Overall, I think I love Mountain Laurel. They did ship my package to the wrong address, and charge far too much for crappy media rate shipping, but they had things I wanted and couldn't get anywhere else, were very friendly, and got everything shipped out very quickly, so I'm happy with them.

Other big winners for the Christmas shopping season were Overstock.com and Homebrewers Outpost, all found through Froogle.

Knitting content! You knew it happen sooner or latter! I finished the little Orenburg style scarf, and have started on a lovely lace stole for one of my friends as a birthday gift. The gift will be sadly late, as her birthday was Monday, but should be a big hit. She had a lovely knit stole that got lost, so making her a new one should be a good gift. Anyhow, the pattern is from the Folk Shawls book, it's the Japanese tea stole I think, knit in a lovely sage/sea foam wool and alpaca lace weight yarn I picked up at Village Spinning and Weaving on a one pound cone when I was there over Christmas. There should be enough of this yarn to do the stole and the new Orenburg pattern I got with my Piecework back issues. Yay! I discovered, much to my dismay, that lace weight yarn and size 3 needled are not the things good commute projects are made of. It took the better part of 20 minutes to do one row in the car (I was getting a row done in less than 5 minutes last night, half asleep, sitting on the sofa), so after the 5th dropped stitch I gave up. I'll have to start some socks or something for the car and train rides. Something small that will get done quickly will be a good thing, this shawl is going to take awhile.

I still have no idea what I'm going to do for New Years Eve, but it probably will involve sushi, champagne, the cat, and something from the Colin Firth oeuvre. I just don't feel like being the only single person without anyone to kiss at midnight at the party again. Plus I'm all broke still, which makes perfect sense given that I haven't worked a full week since early November, did all the holiday shopping, and paid for all my law school applications in the last couple of weeks. It's been an expensive month. Oh well. January should be better, once I get past the whole having to pay extra rent because my ass of a house mate is sabotaging any and all attempts at filling the vacant room. I wish he would hurry up and leave like I asked him too, it makes it hard to find a new house mate with some creep still hanging around not giving any indication as to when he'll get the hell out.

Technical difficulties (as usual?)

I'm beginning to loath my ISP. Or at least their FTP server. Why can't I upload my blog postings? Why am I writing a new post I will not be able to upload? It's all a bit of a mystery.

At least the sun has come out today (yay!). Being able to actually see the sky is a nice thing. That and the absurdly light traffic this week made for a positively pleasant commute.

I can't quite figure out what, if anything, I ought to do with myself for New Years. Staying home alone with the cat and a bottle of champagne seems a bit pathetic. But the alternatives for going out are not that appealing either. I can either go to Tracy and end up naked and drunk in a pool with my ex boyfriend, or go to Sacramento and end up god knows where (I thought I heard something about a hot tub, which at least isn't as cold as the pool). Both of these alternatives involve far too much travel, too much nudity, and probably a major hang-over. What I really want to do...that's another thing all together. I want to spend the evening with someone who wants to be with me (who, naturally, doesn't), and spend the better of New Years day in bed, just cuddling, with the aforementioned someone-other-than-the-cat. We'll see what actually ends up happening I suppose.

Thank god I have a 4 day weekend. I should be able to get some serious sewing done. It turns out I actually have a fair amount of work to do for other people in January, which kind of sucks but at least I like these people and they are suitably appreciative of my time. Which is something. Besides, none of these projects are all that complicated. I have to do a dress for a woman from OES and Dickens, another for Rainbow grand officer, and start on a frock coat for a friend. The frock should be interesting. It'll be a grand tailoring experiment, and counts as a birthday gift. Yay! I love it when one task can accomplish two goals. Always a nice thing.

I may freeze

Man, it's cold. I am sure that in the more arctic parts of this country, it's colder, but for a kid who grew up in sunny Santa Barbara, it's friggin' freezing. Thank god I finally finished (and even blocked!) my wool version of the Rowan Hope sweater! yay! I'm very pleased with how it turned out actually. Once it's dry (which may take forever, given how cold and damp it is right now) I'm very much looking forward to wearing it.

I actually had a fairly productive Christmas, as far as needlework projects go anyway. I finished the Hope sweater, and I finally finished a tatted handkerchief I've been working on for at least 3 years. It's a bit absurd, but I really only work on this thing around Christmas, and mainly out at Dickens, where it's dark and I wear contacts that do not correct my astigmatism, so 3 years really isn't so bad. I got it done on Christmas eve, washed out 3 years of accumulated grunge, and it looks lovely. I'm quite proud of myself. Tatting is a slow process, but so lovely when you get something done!

I had a very nice trip down to the ancestors for Christmas. I actually ended up driving down with the boy, which was sort of odd but ended up being an ok thing I think. It turns out that the little game I played last day at Dickens went better than I had though. I had wanted to get him a really lovely edition of his book, and found one that was done in at least 1870. I couldn't figure out a graceful way of giving it to him after the whole house guest debacle, so I anonymously telegraphed it to him and decided that if he figured it out by the end of day and sent me a note back everything would be ok.

Well, I didn't get a note back. Or anything at all. So I left the site on Sunday pretty much all sad and dejected but ok with it because I saw his face after he got it, and one of the people who knew I'd sent it said he was just beside himself with glee and very happy with it. I'd pretty much concluded that he had no clue, had attributed the gift to someone else, and that was that. I'd never mention it, it never happened.

So, Wednesday evening I get to his house (which was a series of misadventures in and of itself), he finally gets there, and as he's making us a bit of food before we leave, he pops up with "So, were you the one who sent me the book?" to which I replied "Hmm, why would you think that?" and he said something to the effect that I was the only person who was thoughtful enough, cared enough and knew enough to send something like that, but he thought I hated him so he wasn't sure. So I told him that if I hated him I would 1 - not be in his dinning room at that moment, and 2 - wouldn't have sent it.

I have no idea where any of this leaves us, but that's ok. We had a nice drive down, I helped him with his French (he's going to be in the chorus for Carmen), and went we finally got to my parents Dad made us cinnamon bread toast and tea, and we talked for another hour before he finally left and went to his parents. It was actually quite nice, and I don't feel like such a crazy person anymore (at least as far as that whole mess is concerned).

Anyway, the holiday itself was fairly uneventful, Dad and I ended up not skiing yesterday because I'm still getting over that awful plague thing and there was a huge storm, and I'm back at work today. It's nice and quiet, and the awful demo of the product for the big boss guy went brilliantly last week so I haven't been sacked and should be ok and employed for another 4 or 6 months. Yay!

Now if I can just get my house situation worked out all will be well and the new year will start off brilliantly! Even if it does start off alone or naked in a freezing pool with my ex...

Fun beer quotes for the day:

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
-- W.C. Fields, actor

Work is the curse of the drinking class.
-- Oscar Wilde, author

Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
-- Benjamin Franklin, statesman/inventor

Yo ho yo ho a geeks life for me!

I've said it before, but I love my job! Today I've had one guy comment that my suitcase must be full of impressive lap tops, seen an engineer sail by on a Segway scooter thing, watched another one juggle 2 balls and an omelet pan, and for lunch we have "Kona Coffee Crusted Beef Tenderloin: Seared coffee crusted filet mignon drizzled with a Kahlua coffee liqueur and vanilla bean sauce." Caffeinated meat! It's what the dreams of geeks are made of!

The only possible draw back to the whole situation here is the scary toilets, one of which finally attacked me this morning. It eventually happens to everyone, you're sitting there quietly minding your own business, and then Woosh! Out of nowhere comes this paint-stripping blast of slightly warm water. Very scary. One of the engineers told me that you can actually hit the wall across the room with one of these things. Eep. I will say I've come to appreciate the warm seat. It was rather off-putting at first, and the control panel was very intimidating, but up until today I've had no malfunctions and had come to like the thing. Now I'm tense again. The toilet thinks it's smarter than me.

Anyway, this afternoon I'm heading down to my parents for the holiday. It's a bit sad, my brother is going to be spending the holiday with his future in-laws (he finally got engaged! yay! We love this girl. I was seriously considering trading him in for her if he didn't decide to keep her) so I will only get to see him Thursday for lunch. Which kind of sucks. But this is what happens when you turn in to an adult and have relationships with actual people, and not just a cat and a playstation, and we all must come to terms with it. At least I'll have time to knit and read in relative peace, without fear of strange crazy housemate drama.

Something fun for the holiday

And they even got it right. Freaky.

Your Christmas is Most Like: National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

Christmas is a big, boisterous event at your place. And no matter what, something hilarious usually happens.

What Movie Is Your Christmas Most Like?

It's done!

I have just now sent off my last and final law school application. Yay! I'm not altogether sure what I'm supposed to do now. Clearly, waiting will be a big part of it, but surely there should be some kind of ritual drinking or chanting, or something? At any rate, it's nice to have it all done and sent out. Now I can focus on other things.

Like getting rid of my creepy house mate. He is incapable of having an actual conversation about anything. It always turns into this huge Lets list all of Heidi's dysfunctions-fest, followed by a laundry list of every failure in housekeeping I have made in six months. Why in the hell would he think I want to live with that? Anyway, I asked him to start looking for a place last night, with any luck he won't give me too much more trouble about this. At least I have the building owner and the lease on my side so it should all be ok. I just really hate confrontational unpleasantness.

I need to work on that actually. Avoiding confrontation and unpleasant scenes really doesn't get one anywhere. Part of the problem is that when I get mad I cry, and that seems like a sign of weakness, which I want to avoid. So I avoid the confrontation altogether and nothing gets resolved and eventually I just kind of flip out and no one knows why, if they even know I've flipped out at all. It's a problem. I must try to be more assertive and confident and stand up for myself, and not be afraid of confronting people with things that bother me.

To that end, I suppose I might as well start on some new year's resolutions. I don't do it very often, but this seems like a good time to really focus on making some changes and working through some stuff, so here goes.

1 - Stick to the WW plan and get to lifetime. I have 7 pounds to go.
2 - Stand up for myself and be more assertive
3 - Clean my room and keep it that way
4 - Reduce my fabric stash by half
5 - Reduce my un-spun wool stash by half (note that 4 and 5 can be done by sewing and spinning the raw materials in question)
6 - Make a budget and stick to it. Include deposits to savings as a budget item.

I can do these things. Nothing here is out of my control or beyond my abilities. I just have to keep reminding myself that I can do these things.

Lots of surprises

For feeling as badly I do, emotionally and physically, I feel like I managed to put on a good, solid performance weekend. It was rather surprising. So long as I stayed out on stage, and stayed "on" when I was backstage, I did fine. The minute I dropped character for half a second though, I crashed.

Friday I spent most of the day doing laundry and sleeping. All things considered, and seeing as I ended up with a pretty high (for me anyway) fever, the OES meeting went off very well. It could have been better, but I was sick, so I'm not complaining.

Saturday went quite well out at Fair, but I must have done something like 5 costume changes. It got a little ridiculous. I started out at the opening tableau in my borrowed mourning, which I never did get around to fitting but it managed to look quite good anyway. Mr. Dickens didn't call on us, so we did the bit we had planned and expended on it on the platform a little latter in the morning. First though I went and got myself a new corset. Not that I should have been spending money on a corset, but it's a Christmas gift to myself and I really needed something pretty and sexy. I ran into a friend who asked me to do a Little Bo Peep sort of window with her that afternoon, so after changing out of mourning (for the second time) and into my Bella dress, I went and did the window. That went quite well. We looked absurdly cute and had a grand time. I ended up missing the costume contest, but that's ok. The afternoon was somewhat less chaotic. I was able to spend a bit of time with a couple of friends who were visiting for the weekend, have port and chocolates with some other friends, and just relax and work the streets some before I changed out into Mrs. G. Of course, I was still running a fever, so getting out of the wool dress when I did was a huge relief.

I ended up doing my best to avoid the Sekmet awards (Dickens Fair Oscars), and caught a little of it at the end. It turns out my cast won for best ensemble performance, so that was nice. After we closed, a whole bunch of us went back to my house and a little party. It was actually a huge amount of fun. We ate Vietnamese food, mulled wine, made gingerbread, and listened to scary 60's Christmas music that sounds like something 57 women in skimpy elf costumes should be doing a synchronized pole-dance to. Gotta love the good people at Ultra Lounge.

Anyway, Sunday morning I got up and made a huge fritatta for everyone, and when I went to put my shoes on, found a nice fresh little gift my cat had left for me. I was pretty sure I'd seen a mouse in the house, but to find it's poor lifeless corpse splayed out next to my boot was a bit much for a Sunday morning pre-fair. Thank god there were boys and people with stronger stomachs in the house to get rid of the body. I freaked out and did the chick-with-a-mouse dance on top of my footstool. Truly pathetic. A note from the cat (or the Great White Huntress as she shall henceforth be known) on the matter:

Dear Mommee,

Hear iz a nize mousie for ewe, Ey hope ewe lyke it. Maybee wee can share it wyth all the nyce pepole who came to see mee last nyte. Ewe need to feed thym lots of nyce things. I worree about what you eat, it's not good.

Luv,
Maya

I still felt like crap on Sunday, mouse and all, but managed to push through my performance quite well. We got called on for the tableau, which went very well, and I was able to torment Mr. Dickens with a fork and fill in on the platform more than usual, and even got to ride on the bosuns chair in my hoops again. The final for the costume contest went really well, and much to my amazement I got an award from the Costumers Guild for excellence in construction, which was very nice. Mrs. Gaskell has lots of nice things to say at the tea in the afternoon. A customer who had stayed for our discussion on women's education and social reform actually came up to Thena and I and told us how lovely she thought the whole thing was and that we had given her a lot of think about, she wasn't aware that ladies had such forward-thinking ideas. It was quite nice, and I wished I hadn't forgotten my cards. I might have gotten her to pick up one of Mrs. G's books and actually read it.

The day ended, as last days will, a bit sadly. A small little game I decided to play (more with myself than anyone else) didn't result in anything at all, which ended up being quite disappointing, if not unexpected. But I did get to have dinner with an old friend and crush, do a bit of catching up, and overall it was a pretty ok day. I'm just exhausted this morning, and still feel like hell. I now have lots of congestion to go with the fever and aches and everything else. At least that usually means it's getting better and there are drugs I can take that will help. Yay drugs!

I just hope my cat hasn't murdered anything else when I get home...I don't know who I'll get to clean up the bodies.

I have succumbed

Man, I feel like crap. I seem to have finally gotten the cold-which-is-not-a-cold that everyone at work had two weeks ago. I have no actual symptoms but feel like I have a fever, am exhausted, my throat is scratchy, and I'm achy. What fun. If this isn't any better in the morning I'm going to just have to suck it up and take Friday off work. There's no way I'm going to make it though an OES meeting feeling like I did last night.

The downside to this is that I've accomplished nothing so far this week. I have not fitted the borrowed black stuff for Saturday morning, I have not made gingerbread, and I have not done any laundry. I did sleep, so I guess that's something, but I've got a whole lot of little things I'm going to have to do tonight to get ready for the weekend. At least I managed to postpone the semi-date thing, that helps. I wouldn't be any fun tonight anyway.

I wish someone would bring me soup and tuck me in to bed. That's the main problem with this whole being an adult business. Mom isn't around so much to enable the pathetic wallowing when you're sick.

I did make a little progress on the Orenburg scarf last night. I'm very pleased with it. The yarn is a super soft red angora and silk blend I had in my stash, and with the heart motif, the whole thing looks very sweet and festive. Maybe I should start on the actual shawl after I'm done with my Hope sweater, I think I'm ready to tackle a really challenging lace project.

The really big news for today is that I got 4 more law school applications sent out. That makes for 8 down, and 2 reach schools to go. I'm debating about my essays for one of the remaining applications. I should probably write some extra ones for a few of their scholarship programs. More essays hardly sounds like fun to me but more scholarships sounds like a grand idea. Of course, it would help if I thought I had a chance in hell of being accepted at this school. But it doesn't hurt to try. Facing the inevitable avalanche of rejection letters isn't something I'm quite ready for at this point though. Just what I need, more people telling me I don't meet their standards and am not what they want anyway.

Magazine crisis solved!

Not that it was much of a crisis, but I get a little nuts when I can't find things.

Anyway, I found a new on line resources for magazine back issues, and if these lovely people actually have my September/October 2000 Piecework in stock, as the web site claims, I will be a happy kid. In the mean time, it looks like the the good folks at Mountain Laurel Books have lots and lots of wonderful hard to find needlework books. Yay!

I love Froogle.

Not quite ready

Gah. I got nothing accomplished last night. Not only did I fail to make it to any of the events I was supposed to be at, but I completely failed to get anything productive done on the mourning outfit for Saturday. Partly, this is because I was exhausted and felt like crap and just wanted to watch the silly (and embarrassing) Gilligan's' Island show followed by Sex in the City, and also partly because I went insane looking for my September/October 2000 issue of Piecework magazine. It's vanished into the ether as far as I can tell. I tore apart all of my bookshelves and knitting bags and can't find the stupid thing anywhere. I know I had it, I knitted the Orenburg warm shawl out of it. I found the shawl. I just can't find the magazine. This is enraging, especially since I apparently can't order a back issue from Interweave Press anymore either. *sigh*

Why the sudden passion to find the magazine? Well, when I was knitting the warm shawl I remembered thinking that the linked hearts border would make a rather sweet little scarf all by itself. I needed to find a Christmas gift for an old friend, and thought that what with a whole week and a half before Christmas, knitting her a lace scarf would be just the thing and wouldn't that border section be a great pattern to use! After several hours of fruitless searching, I gave up, and ended up reverse engineering the tooth edging on my shawl and re graphing a slightly different (and more symmetrical) lace panel using the linked hearts and another pattern called strawberries. It's actually better for what I'm doing than the original panel, and I've got about 11 inches of scarf knit already, so it's all for the good.

I'm still annoyed about having lost the magazine though. Piecework is one of the few magazines I can pick up a few years/months latter and still enjoy and find a good project to work on. Most of them are fairly small, so when I need something quick and lovely it's the first place I usually turn for inspiration.

Yesterday afternoon boy IM'd me. And apologized. I wasn't anywhere close to ready for that. I rather expected he would try to contact me this week somehow or another, but not to say he was sorry. I stuck to my resolve though, I just felt very sad doing it. It's the hopelessness that went along with it that was unexpected. It would be so much easier if I were angry and raging, I could smash something and feel better. This quiet aching resignation business just sucks, nothing I do makes it any better.

Iron Goddess Grade 1

When I was last working near China Town, I stocked up on some wonderful teas from the Yau Hing tea company (now called Red Blossom Tea). Every time I go in there, I end up walking away with a half dozen little packets of wonderful teas with names like "Iron Goddess of Mercy" and "Phoenix Eye." The Iron Goddess tea in particular has been very appealing this week, as if I can somehow drink in the attributes of an Iron Goddess of Mercy through the tea.

My schedule for this week has gotten a bit out of hand. Tonight I am supposed to be at 3 different events, but will probably not end up at any of them as I have to get gingerbread mix for the OES meeting on Friday and make some alterations to a black jacket I will be using for a mourning costume on Saturday morning. As it turns out, I haven't got enough of the black duchess satin left over from the Madame X dress to do my mourning dress (or time to make it), so I'll be making do with the parts I have available and starting to shop for suitable fabric after fair ends. Wednesday I have to bake gingerbread, Thursday I have a semi-date thing, and Friday is an OES meeting which will be the first I will preside at as Worthy Matron (and which I am also chairing, I'm insane). After the meeting, a couple of friends are coming over to crash for the weekend since I live so close to the Dickens site, so I have to do a bit of cleaning up and preparation work for that, and also pack myself up for closing weekend. Ack.

Last night was relatively peaceful actually, which was nice. I decorated my Christmas tree, which I have to admit looks more like a misshapen shrub than a proper tree, but it's a pine tree, it's still alive, and I like it. I also got the few Christmas presents that I actually have purchased wrapped up and stuck under the tree. This weekend, if the check for the SASS dress shows up, I will be able to finish up most of my holiday shopping at Dickens. What I can't get there I will either knit in a hurry or buy sometime next week. I can hit the mall after work if I need to and get whatever else I'm going to need to get. I wish I had half a clue what to get for my brother. He's always a bit of a challenge. Although, he did mentioned something about wanting to learn how to home brew, so if I can find a reasonable start-up brewing kit that would be a good gift.

My mental/emotional state is pretty good. sitting at home alone last night was a bit rough, but I managed to get through it without bursting into tears. I think I was far more prepared for this that I wanted to admit to myself. It's ok to be sad and a bit lonely, and it's probably all for the best anyway. What I really need to do right now is shed myself of as much unnecessary baggage, emotional and physical, as I can before I head off to law school and start over. And I have to allow myself to mourn for those things I must leave behind.

More Window Pictures

Here are some pictures of my week-1 window a friend from the fencing booth took. Nothing like a chick in her underwear with guns!

Not quite awake

After not getting more than 8 hours of sleep total this weekend, getting to bed a semi-reasonable hour just wasn't enough for me last night. I'm fairly sleepy today, my body aches, mt ankles hurt for some mysterious reason, but overall I'm actually feeling remarkably well, all things considered.

With one very large exception, Dickens actually went ok this weekend. I filled in on the platform at the last possible minute Saturday morning, it wasn't a brilliant attempt at improve but it wasn't awful either. Brats tea went well, and we survived the costumes guild visit to the costume contest (always a challenge, we end up with lots of entrants and no additional time to look at them all). My corset window was very well received and praised by the shop owner, which one can always take as a good sign. A good friend sent me a couple of the pictures he took.



Cyn and I did a sort of bridal thing, using her bits and pieces from her wedding. There's a certain irony in that, but we had a good time and the passers-by seemed to like what we were doing so that's good.

Sunday was much less crowded, to everyones joy. I worked outside for a bit, did some good street work with my Mr. Rokesmith and Lizzie Hexam, caught up with some old friends, and proposed a toast in the mess to chocolate (or that which provides the ultimate in sublime satisfaction). I have got to say, the people selling truffles across from the club have about the best chocolate one can get. It's truly amazing, and is really sublime. All one needs is some good port or champagne, a few of those truffles, and a hot bath. It was also silly chapeau day, at the request of King David of Hawaii, so we all got out the silly hats and had a grand time coming up with ways to make them sillier. We had a rousing game of Blind man's Bluff before toasties, during which I was injured by someone's jewelery and ended up bleeding all over myself. Who knew parlor games could be so dangerous? I also got to play with the Paddy West guys a bit, and get hoisted up in the Bosun's seat, where they showed me how to row a ship. It was highly amusing.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to last weekend. I wish I hadn't missed second weekend, just 3 weekends of fair isn't quite enough. But we should have fun for closing. A bunch of friends are coming out, I get to be in the opening tableau, and some (sane) friends are staying the weekend. It should be a nice way to end the run. I've got a bit of extra sewing work to do for the tableau, we want to do a very early scene with Bella and Mrs. Boffin in which Bella is still in mourning, but I just have to fit a jacket so it shouldn't be too bad. Unless I go mad and decide to make a simple mourning dress, there just might be enough of the black satin left over from the Madame X dress to put a simple one together...

Oh god, oh god

What an awfull weekend. Between exhaustion, financial crisis, and a shattered heart, I hardly know where to begin or what the point in any of it is.

If I had the courage to say what I have writen, if I had the courage to send it to him, this is how I would have explained myself to the idiot boy:

"I do love you. I wish I had had the chance to tell you, but I love you. It doesn't change things in the least. In fact, it makes it all that much simpler. I cannot, I will not, wait any longer.

Before yesterday, I thought I could give you time. You don’t know what it is to love. You kept telling me that you could’t give me what I wanted, but when did you ever ask what I wanted? When did you ever listen? Have you any idea how much time you have spent telling me what you wanted? Telling me all of the ways in which I failed to meet your adbusrd expectations? You want perfection. You want a woman who is never sad, who never makes a false step. You want a vapid, simple, fool of a creature who will not challenge you and who will never offer you fulfillment.

I leave you to her. I can never be that. I have no desire to be that. But I love you no less. Since I was 20, I have loved you. I have watched you change over the years, and I love the differences I have seen, the small lines in your face, the tiny bit of gray in your hair. I love the kindness and generosity you can demonstrate, I love your optimism, but I also love your terrible manners, your lack of consideration, your immaturity. You are flawed, as everyone is, and I love that.

Had you bothered to listen, I would have told you that I cannot tolerate anymore of your indecision. You say you want to be alone, you say you feel little or nothing for me, and the you reach for me in the night and will not let me go. You behave as though I belong to you when we are together in public, yet push me away from you when your friends are present. You either want me or your don’t. You don’t seem to know, and that must be enough of a decision. But you have to respect that, you must accept it, and you must not push your indecision back on me and blame me for your own failings.

I have perhaps behaved badly, but you must understand that you have also been at fault. Yesterday, you left me to entertain your friends while you went off and amused yourself, expecting that I would then pick you up and bring you home. You seem to have expected me to behave like a perfect hostess, even though these people could never be satisfied with anything I had to offer them, and behaved badly themselves. You have imposed upon me, you have imposed upon my hospitality, and you managed to chose the worst possible day to do it. I don’t know what you expected me to do. Yesterday, you seemed to think I need do nothing. Today, you berated me for not doing enough. I don’t know what you want, and I can no longer afford to care.

You accuse me of being melodramatic whenever I try to explain myself. You belittle my feelings, and pass them off as irrational foolishness. But emotions and feelings are not always rational. It need not make perfect logical sense to feel one way or another to be a valid feeling. You refuse to accept that sometimes I hurt in ways you can perhaps not understand, and that this is normal and acceptable. If you had bothered to listen with openness and acceptance, perhaps you could have understood.

I have simple desires. I want to be loved, I want to feel safe, I want to be listened to and accepted for what I am, inspite of my flaws. I want someone to care for, to make breakfast for, to hold when they are sad or unwell. I want someone I can watch grow old and love more with each new wrinkle and each new gray hair. These are very simple things, and had you bothered to truly listen, you would have known this. You would have known that all I lacked from you was decision. It was your inability to make a decision and stand by it with your actions that has led me to this final break.

I meant what I said. I have nothing more to say to you. This is all, and I have nothing left to give and no need to explain. You have finally hurt me beyond reconciliation. And yet I love you no less. Tonight, I will grieve for that love. I will grieve for the hurt we have caused each other, and for the time wasted in a hopeless pursuit. Tomorrow, I will begin again, and carry on with life, without you in it."

Twarted once again!

My attempt to get a potted live type Christmas tree has been thwarted. I officially give up. Everyplace that has them either closes at 6:30 or only has the little tony 10 inch tall ones. The whole idea here was to get a respectable sized tree for the house that Dad could plant in the backyard after the holiday. Sort of a dual-purpose Christmas present. But because I didn't go last week when I was off work I don't have any hope of getting to a decent hardware store or nursery until some weekend after Christmas. It's a pain in the butt.

Anyhow, tonight I'll just get a little tree at Safeway when I get my groceries. Hopefully I can find a nice tree for Dad on line someplace or at a nursery near where he lives. Most of the on line places I have found either don't ship to California or won't ship the tree until sometime between February 14th and June 10th (nice and specific date range, that). Hopefully the nursery people in his area would know what sort of evergreen or pine will do well, the last one either got eaten by gophers or just didn't like the environment there. Who knows.

So my mission for this evening is to get food for the weekend (why, oh why have I turned into an insane Martha Stewart style hostess person?!), find a tree, bring up the Christmas decorations, finish cleaning the living room and sewing room, vacuum, wash my sheets, and clean the bathroom. How glamorous. Oh, and I have to pack up everything I'm going to need for Dickens this weekend into a compact bus-sized package. Thrilling. I'm supposed to be going to a housewarming party but that's just not going to happen at this rate. *sigh* There will be time for fun tomorrow.

I would also like to point out that Christmas time is the worst time ever to be a contractor. No parties, no bonus, and everyone else is running around talking about how the wad of cash they just got or how wonderful the party was or whatever, and I'm stuck here working and eating potatoes. Not that I'm bitter or anything...

I love my job!

Today I found a recipe for caffeinated meatloaf. Not just for the PC EZ-Bake either!

Here also is a cute picture of Thena and I on the gondola at the Venetian. Guiseppe, our gondolier, was very charming.





I completely forgot that I was overcome but some sort of mad hostess urge and invited something like 5 people, not including the boy (who seems no longer to be in the house guest category somehow), to crash at my house this weekend after Dickens. I was clearly insane at the time, but there it is. So tonight I need to clean my living room, sewing room, and probably the bathroom so that people can be in my home. The boy has apparently caught this mad hostess disease, and today decided that he would try to bring breakfast for everyone. It's very sweet but rather disconcerting for some reason.

I flat out refuse to make pancakes for 7 people on Sunday morning. Coffee, maybe, pancakes or omelets, no way. Although I could probably do a nice fritatta without too much trouble if I manage to get some grocery shopping at some point...

Ack! I've turned into Martha Stewart!

But what is normal anyway?

I've finally finished the first sleeve for my wool version of the Rowan Hope sweater! I'm so very glad to have this over with. Last night I decided to just sit and drink tea and knit while I watched Sex in the City and that Gillian's Island show (embarrassing, but it's like watching a train wreck, you can't drag yourself away). It turns out that I had made a mistake in reading the (rather poorly written and cryptic) sleeve directions so I had to rip back some but it wasn't too much, and I got the sleeve done this morning on the way in to work. If the light holds out I should be able to at least cast on the second sleeve tonight on the way home. Maybe I'll get this thing done before Christmas after all!

Things are moving along nicely with the law school applications too. I have all but one of them filled out, and all of the ones with waived fees went out in todays mail. I don't feel that great about my essays, but at this point I just don't care anymore. It's impossible to say anything really meaningful in 500 words or less. For some stupid reason Boston College wants to know what my high school class rank was. I have no idea why. Tracking this down is going to be a huge pain in the butt. It's been years, I don't have my transcript anymore, and the school has probably put it in deep-freeze by now. Oh well. It seems like most of the application process is duplicating what's already on the LDAS report, which I don't get at all, but oh well. I'll get the rest of these things sent out next week and the whole thing will be totally out of my hands.

It's the lack of control part of this whole process that I'm having the most trouble with. I already doubt my own ability to be competitive, knowing that there is not one little thing I can do to influence the admissions people one way or another once I've got these things sent out is just unbearable. I just have to keep telling myself I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it someone will like me. It's a statistical impossibility to do as well as I did on the LSAT and not get in anywhere. Ok, my undergrad GPA could have been better, my essay could be more moving, I could have done more volunteer work (they don't give you enough space to write about that at all either), but I've done my best and my records will just have to speak for themselves. Ack.

Huh

I'm finding my lack of projects very disconcerting. Altering so many things to get done, having nothing in particular that I need to do is kind of freaking me out. I'm actually creating work for myself. It's absurd. For example, I'm currently tossing around the idea of making a ball gown bodice for my Mrs. Gaskell dress to wear to the Gaskell Ball next weekend. The dress will work just fine as it is, but apparently this lack of frantic sewing just isn't working out for me.

I'm clearly insane.

I actually have no major projects to worry about until after Christmas. Hallelujah! After that, I have a couple of things to do with OES and Rainbow people, a bit of work to do on a Queen Suit for a Renaissance Fair, and that's it. I've pretty much decided that I am sick of sewing for other people on the current set of terms. Having to travel all over the place to deliver stuff and do fittings is just stupid, and a huge waste of my precious vacation time (never mind money). Wedding gowns actually seem like a good idea in comparison.

Anyway, this weekend is shaping up to be a full one (even more so than usual!). Friday I am supposed to be at a house-warming party, Saturday I'm in the corset window again and the Costumers Guild is coming to Dickens, people are crashing at my house Saturday night which will result in wine-soaked debauchery to be sure, and Sunday some of the OES folks are coming out to fair. It should be fun. I'm actually looking forward to it!

Project update...

I updated my project page for the convention. You can see at least the finished peices here.

Ugh

Well, I'm back. Everything got done, everyone liked their dresses, and I swear if I can help it I'm never doing this again. Sewing my fingers to the bone for a week for other people and then going to an event at which one has a miserable time is just not worth the effort.

The event itself was not that much fun. I spent most of the time either feeling like crap, being berated for things I have no recollection of doing or no control over, or sewing (all of which was made so much better by ill-fitting corsets and a missing direct deposit). I did have fun in Vegas itself, once we decided to bail on the convention and visit some of the casinos. The roller coaster at New York New York is fun, the gondola at the Venetian was great, if only I had put more effort into being in Vegas and less into stupid dresses it would have been a great weekend. Oh well.

The one bright spot in the whole thing is that Thena took 3rd place in the ladies costume contest with the dress I made. I can't take too much credit for this, as a large part of the competition has to do with your presentation rather than the gown, but it was nice to feel a bit vindicated after having such a crap time.

I am very much looking forward to spending the next weeks worth of evenings not sewing. I have some script work to do for Dickens, a second corset window to get together for this Saturday (I got major kudos on the first one, which was a nice treat this morning I must say), and serious amounts of cleaning to do in my sewing area, all of which is very do-able and will be somewhat relaxing even. My only real goal for the week is get my law school applications out, getting that out of the way will free me up to have a nice nervous collapse without having to worry about missing any deadlines.

Anyway, pictures from the trip and of the dresses are forthcoming.