Oh god, oh god

What an awfull weekend. Between exhaustion, financial crisis, and a shattered heart, I hardly know where to begin or what the point in any of it is.

If I had the courage to say what I have writen, if I had the courage to send it to him, this is how I would have explained myself to the idiot boy:

"I do love you. I wish I had had the chance to tell you, but I love you. It doesn't change things in the least. In fact, it makes it all that much simpler. I cannot, I will not, wait any longer.

Before yesterday, I thought I could give you time. You don’t know what it is to love. You kept telling me that you could’t give me what I wanted, but when did you ever ask what I wanted? When did you ever listen? Have you any idea how much time you have spent telling me what you wanted? Telling me all of the ways in which I failed to meet your adbusrd expectations? You want perfection. You want a woman who is never sad, who never makes a false step. You want a vapid, simple, fool of a creature who will not challenge you and who will never offer you fulfillment.

I leave you to her. I can never be that. I have no desire to be that. But I love you no less. Since I was 20, I have loved you. I have watched you change over the years, and I love the differences I have seen, the small lines in your face, the tiny bit of gray in your hair. I love the kindness and generosity you can demonstrate, I love your optimism, but I also love your terrible manners, your lack of consideration, your immaturity. You are flawed, as everyone is, and I love that.

Had you bothered to listen, I would have told you that I cannot tolerate anymore of your indecision. You say you want to be alone, you say you feel little or nothing for me, and the you reach for me in the night and will not let me go. You behave as though I belong to you when we are together in public, yet push me away from you when your friends are present. You either want me or your don’t. You don’t seem to know, and that must be enough of a decision. But you have to respect that, you must accept it, and you must not push your indecision back on me and blame me for your own failings.

I have perhaps behaved badly, but you must understand that you have also been at fault. Yesterday, you left me to entertain your friends while you went off and amused yourself, expecting that I would then pick you up and bring you home. You seem to have expected me to behave like a perfect hostess, even though these people could never be satisfied with anything I had to offer them, and behaved badly themselves. You have imposed upon me, you have imposed upon my hospitality, and you managed to chose the worst possible day to do it. I don’t know what you expected me to do. Yesterday, you seemed to think I need do nothing. Today, you berated me for not doing enough. I don’t know what you want, and I can no longer afford to care.

You accuse me of being melodramatic whenever I try to explain myself. You belittle my feelings, and pass them off as irrational foolishness. But emotions and feelings are not always rational. It need not make perfect logical sense to feel one way or another to be a valid feeling. You refuse to accept that sometimes I hurt in ways you can perhaps not understand, and that this is normal and acceptable. If you had bothered to listen with openness and acceptance, perhaps you could have understood.

I have simple desires. I want to be loved, I want to feel safe, I want to be listened to and accepted for what I am, inspite of my flaws. I want someone to care for, to make breakfast for, to hold when they are sad or unwell. I want someone I can watch grow old and love more with each new wrinkle and each new gray hair. These are very simple things, and had you bothered to truly listen, you would have known this. You would have known that all I lacked from you was decision. It was your inability to make a decision and stand by it with your actions that has led me to this final break.

I meant what I said. I have nothing more to say to you. This is all, and I have nothing left to give and no need to explain. You have finally hurt me beyond reconciliation. And yet I love you no less. Tonight, I will grieve for that love. I will grieve for the hurt we have caused each other, and for the time wasted in a hopeless pursuit. Tomorrow, I will begin again, and carry on with life, without you in it."