Not quite ready

Gah. I got nothing accomplished last night. Not only did I fail to make it to any of the events I was supposed to be at, but I completely failed to get anything productive done on the mourning outfit for Saturday. Partly, this is because I was exhausted and felt like crap and just wanted to watch the silly (and embarrassing) Gilligan's' Island show followed by Sex in the City, and also partly because I went insane looking for my September/October 2000 issue of Piecework magazine. It's vanished into the ether as far as I can tell. I tore apart all of my bookshelves and knitting bags and can't find the stupid thing anywhere. I know I had it, I knitted the Orenburg warm shawl out of it. I found the shawl. I just can't find the magazine. This is enraging, especially since I apparently can't order a back issue from Interweave Press anymore either. *sigh*

Why the sudden passion to find the magazine? Well, when I was knitting the warm shawl I remembered thinking that the linked hearts border would make a rather sweet little scarf all by itself. I needed to find a Christmas gift for an old friend, and thought that what with a whole week and a half before Christmas, knitting her a lace scarf would be just the thing and wouldn't that border section be a great pattern to use! After several hours of fruitless searching, I gave up, and ended up reverse engineering the tooth edging on my shawl and re graphing a slightly different (and more symmetrical) lace panel using the linked hearts and another pattern called strawberries. It's actually better for what I'm doing than the original panel, and I've got about 11 inches of scarf knit already, so it's all for the good.

I'm still annoyed about having lost the magazine though. Piecework is one of the few magazines I can pick up a few years/months latter and still enjoy and find a good project to work on. Most of them are fairly small, so when I need something quick and lovely it's the first place I usually turn for inspiration.

Yesterday afternoon boy IM'd me. And apologized. I wasn't anywhere close to ready for that. I rather expected he would try to contact me this week somehow or another, but not to say he was sorry. I stuck to my resolve though, I just felt very sad doing it. It's the hopelessness that went along with it that was unexpected. It would be so much easier if I were angry and raging, I could smash something and feel better. This quiet aching resignation business just sucks, nothing I do makes it any better.